How to stop these thoughts of wanting to kill myself

[Familydyn]

I’m just feeling really hopeless about the future. I’m so unhappy and I have had these fleeting thoughts of how good and easy it would be to just die and be done with it. I’m obviously not going to go through it, it’s just thoughts right now. If I genuinely wanted to kill myself I wouldn’t be writing in here I would have just done it by now. The only thing stopping me is my little boy - the thought of him crying for me and asking where I am. I’m very close to him and have a good relationship with him and I know this will wreck his life.

I know this sounds silly but I’m having thoughts that my DH and other shitty people will realise how bad they’ve treated me and regret it but I won’t do it just for my son’s sake. Can anyone relate to this please and give me some advice? How did you overcome these thoughts?

Are you accessing mental health support? Sounds like divorce could also be a consideration if your DH is treating you so badly too. Sorry you are feeling this way OP

@ToKittyornottoKitty thank you. To be honest I’ve never found mental health support useful.

Sounds like you may need to leave your DH? Is that something you can start to plan or get advice on?

Don’t gift shitty people with the destruction of yourself. They would NEVER feel sorry or bad about it, they’d just add it to their critical narrative about you. Destroying yourself would only punish your darling boy, not them. They’d probably relish the drama if they really are that shitty or just use it to feel sorry for themselves.

Get angry OP. Plan revenge, plan change.

Sending support and positive vibes to you ❤️

I know I’m the only one that can change my mindset and have to get it done. I’ve found the crappy childhood fairy and Ekhart Tolle videos on you tube helpful but recently haven’t watched any that could be a factor

Can you call a helpline like the Samaritans? They’re anonymous and confidential.

@TheSlantedOwl thank you. I just feel really lonely. I really tried getting to know people but hasn’t worked. Tbh leaving DH would leave me in a worse position. I think I need to get a support system in place first. I don’t feel I have any friends and have really tried, I posted recently about making friends at school gate which I’ve given up on now. I just need to feel happy with just my son and be content.

To stop these thoughts you need to figure out exactly what is causing them, rather than just trying to clamp them down. Exactly what is making you so unhappy you’re ideating suicide? Why what is making you leap to suicide over changing things in your life — what is it you’re not allowing yourself to think about? Therapy would help.

Hello OP, we are really sorry to hear you are feeling this way.
We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health Resources. You can also go to the Samaritans website or email them on [email protected].

Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well, there may be other resources which are more beneficial.

We also like to remind everyone that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster, emotionally or financially, than they can afford to spare.
We are going to move this thread to the Mental Health section shortly.

Ah @Familydyn the school gate can be awful and it’s the luck of the draw! I know some awesome women who’ve had crappy experiences of it and made no friends so maybe look outside of that and DON’T use it to judge yourself! Honestly it’s a lottery so let that go.

Great idea to build up a support network. Meet up maybe, volunteering?

You can contact NHS Direct option 2 and speak to the mental health team. You could make an emergency appointment with your GP.

You can also contact CALM, they have a helpline and webchat.

Suicidal ideation is a strong sign of depression. If you are depressed it may be because of your circumstances - I was depressed for years because I was married to an arse hole - or just a chemical imbalance.

The feeling that "they'll realise how shitty they were to me" is common, but in my experience they won't feel like that at all. When a colleague took her own life to "show her husband", he was annoyed he had to give evidence at the inquest and was delighted that the insurance paid off his mortgage.

I understand that you have had difficult experience with mental health teams but I would recommend that you see your GP - maybe see a female doctor - and ask for antidepressants. Fair warning: you may feel worse before you feel better because they take a few weeks to kick in. However, taking antidepressants changed my life and it was definitely a good experience.

Thank you all. I know I will never actually do anything to harm myself for my boy but I really need to make done changes in my mind. I really do not like my DH if I’m being truthful to myself. He’s a horrible, selfish man who never cares about his family. I know he’s not responsible for my problems and I know the school mums are not responsible either but I just feel if I had one kind person in my life I would be happy. But thinking about this as I’m writing maybe that one kind person just needs to be me. Sorry for babbling! It’s helping writing it down.

There are plenty of kind people on here.And you are right to be self-compassionate. Take care of yourself.

@FlowerUser@Maitri108 thank you

How else are you feeling? I found anti depressants really helped me, it brought back my peace and sense of humour, it got me out of the anxiety related brain fog and intrusive thoughts.

If it's about changing how you're living, look for solutions, but if it's bigger, do consider it's mental health that's making you feel this way.

That makes a lot of sense OP ❤️ Clarifying in your mind that yes your DH isn’t nice, which would hurt whoever he was married to; and the school mums maybe be cold and cliquey - which happens all over the place and is just chance. But self compassion is so important. Kindness, love and care for yourself. Tell yourself in the mirror, I love you, you matter, you’re a great mum. Put your arms around yourself and hug.

Self Compassion by Kristin Neff could be a great audiobook/book to get.

I’ve just recognised you as the OP from the school run threads. This all makes a lot more sense now. Yes, I think you’re absolutely right - the kind person needs to be you, acting with compassion towards yourself. Find a therapist as a starting point, and start to think about what you can do to make your life happier.

You are depressed and angry. Horrible people won't care much if you did the unthinkable and your memory would be forever tainted as being selfish.

You need help urgently. That said as long as you only think about it and don't take any further steps you will probably be fine. Sadly, I have felt like life isn't worth it for most of my adult life. Venlafaxine helped a lot and my children of course. I have never hurt myself. Please seek help from gp if nothing else.

Hi OP.
I couldn’t just read and leave.
I was feeling exactly as you was last year. I felt like my whole world had fell apart . I cried all day. Couldn’t sleep. Didn’t get dressed and to top it all off I had the worst year of my life .
I too was in a very unhappy relationship and felt trapped and thought I’d be in a worse position if I left . And do you know what. For a while I was in a worse position , I was homeless for 9 weeks , I had a breakdown and my first night of being homeless I got mugged . I was also going through cancer and implications of cancer treatment which left me partially paralysed. I remember laying on the bed in the hotel room praying to god to just let me go . I was completely done . I very nearly did end it . But somehow I got through it , I also put a thread on MN and I can honestly say the people that I met on here saved me in more ways you can imagine . These complete strangers whom I had never met cared about me and supported me (I’m in tears writing this) .
Today I’m writing this in my new home . Sat on my sofa after just cleaning my patio doors and sofa and I finally feel at peace .
Dont get me wrong I still have bad days and I still get upset with the injustice of it all but I survived . Sertraline also helped me a lot and I think I’ll have to take that for the rest of my life .
I will say that if somebody in your life is affecting your peace you have to let them go .
I could never get on with the Samaritans but I did find the crisis team and the home treatment team very helpful . Whilst I was homeless and had a breakdown I actually went to a crisis house for 2 weeks which helped me massively.
You need help and support , if your leg or arm was broken you would get it mended . Your brain is broken right now and that deserves the same treatment as any other part of your body.
Im here if you need to chat or PM me
Just remember you are loved and you matter .
One of the bravest things a human can do is decide they want better for themselves and act on it . I wish I could give you a hug and tell you that everything will be ok xx

@Imbluedalale thank you so much for sharing your story. I hope your health is better now. I’m sorry to hear about what you’ve been through. Thank you for your message and wish you luck xx

Hi OP.
I actually got the news last week that I’m in remission so I’m a lot better thank you.
Please don’t be sorry for what I went through , however bad it was I got through it and you will too . We as humans don’t know how strong we actually are. But sometimes we need help and support.
No matter how hard things are right now and how low you feel just keep going . I know it feels like you’re wading through thick mud and I know how hard it is .
One quote I like is ‘stop looking for happiness in the same place you lost it’ . Xx

@Imbluedalale that’s amazing. Thank you for the quote it’s really true!

Don't lose heart. You are the brave one. It is truly possible to live for your little boy. This may not be your thing but sometimes you can meet lovely people in Church communities and feel uplifted . Even one other person just to have a little chat with and build from there. What will be a great help to you going forward is that you are a very good and sensible person. That comes across to me very clearly.

do Everything in your power to get well… it’s SO HARD, I remember. Being lonely when you are in a relationship is just horrid.

gp, drugs
counsellor
get out walking
get a plan to leave the partner
make a new happy chapter for yourself, you deserve it xxx