I posted a while ago about my DH injuring himself and needing 6 weeks off at the same time I am chronically stressed at work and feeling at breaking point. DH and I have dealt with those issues quite well, we're in the middle of two weeks off together with DS off for Easter.
Its an understatement to say I'm dreading going back to work. I am a totally different person after 4 days off. I can feel the physical, gut wrenching dread creep back in when I think of going back. I can't cope with my life being that chaotic, sleep deprived, terrified, headachey, heart racing, crying before bed, ill. It makes me a crap mum, and horrible wife, and every area of my life suffers.
Just before I went on leave I was messaging one of my board / trustees. I said my mental health hadn't been great lately. This is how the conversation went:
Me: My mental health has been quite bad lately. I've raised it with (line manager, chair of board) but perhaps I've not been clear enough.
Trustee: [Redacted by MNHQ]. How bad is it?
Me: What do you want to know, how close I am to topping myself?
Trustee: Yep.
Me: Wow. OK. Well the research is clear about the detrimental impact of suicide on kids and I have a 9 Yr old, so I've discounted that as an option. (More from me on my poor mental health other than being suicidal.)
Trustee: when are you free tomorrow to talk more about this?
Me: My diary is pretty free for the rest of this week while I wrap things up.
Trustee: Wicked. Are you awake at 6am or is that too early for you?
Me: 6.30 is plausible. 6am is not.
Trustee: I'm on a train at 6.45. I can call you then.
Me: Do you think that's the best place / time to talk about this?
Trustee: Fair. Maybe we should schedule a time when we're both focused. When life is this intense if you don't have self care sewn in its unsustainable.
No further contact from trustee.
What the fuck is this exchange? It seems mental to me. What do I do in light of this?
For context, I run a charity that supports vulnerable people.
Edited by MNHQ to remove explicit reference to self harm