Extreme anxiety about houses

[Kittykattie]

I'm 52 and I feel like I've been miserable a lot of my adult life. I find I focus on issues with the house I'm living in and worrying myself sick about it. Numerous professionals can tell me there's either nothing wrong or it's not as bad as I think it is but I don't believe them.

I end up having to sell the house and then buy another. That's often not straightforward as during the buying process I start worrying about an issue in the house I've found to buy and end up having to withdraw my offer. When I finally manage to get to the end of the purchase process and buy the house, I start worrying shortly after moving in.

I've tried all sorts of counselling and SSRI but nothing really works for the depression/anxiety. Can anyone suggest anything that will help? It's so debilitating thinking about house problems 24/7. When I'm really anxious, I don't sleep either. I don't know if the anxiety is really about houses or if it could be about money as I do worry about losing money - we didn't have a lot when growing up.

My issues are now affecting my children's futures. I inherited some money and with his savings we have enough money to buy my son a house. However, every time we see a suitable property I always find something wrong with it so we can't buy. Now my husband and son are very annoyed with me. We've seen a house and they want to buy it. It needs loads of work - rewire, central htg, damp,kitchen, bathroom etc. I'm feeling sick with worry 24/7 and want to pull out as it feels too much.

Does anyone have any suggestions to free my mind of this torment. I feel like I only get relief when I either move house or withdraw my offer on a house. It is very short lived until it starts again. Hy

Thanks

Is it claustrophobia, OCD, or fixations

Have you tried more than one SSRI? It can sometimes take a while to find one that works. I had the same thing with houses I have lived in but in the end an SSRI really helped me break the cycle. Also, have you tried psycotherapy/ psychological therapy as well as counselling? I think something that helps you really understand past issues impacting on your rumination now could be worth a try?

Also - not an easy option but when you get the anxiety, do not take action to try to get rid of it. Stop moving house, stop looking at new houses, let the anxiety about current house worries just exist and eventually it will become more tolerable. Look up exposure response prevention techniques, they could be worth a try too.

Oh, I feel your pain. Just want to give you a hug.
I experience similar anxiety (not just about houses) so I’ll tell you what works for me.

It doesn’t help if I tell myself that the issues are not real and they’re only in my mind. What works is if I break down the issues and then systematically work towards resolving them.
For example, if my concern is that the house I want to buy needs a lot of work, I check how much a similar house which doesn’t need repairs costs. I then estimate the costs of the repairs for the house I want (this can take many, many hours of reading things on the internet, but my anxiety ‘enjoys’ the research). I can then decide if it’s best to buy a cheaper house which needs repairs over a more expensive house which needs no works. That definitely helps settle my anxiety.

My anxiety manifests in different ways to yours. For example, I don’t like having too many things. I received a handbag at Xmas. But I already have several handbags including one similar to the one I received so i was really stressed about it. Most woman would just add the handbag to their collection and forget about it. But not me. I was so anxious all Xmas day, there was something ‘unfinished’ in my mind and I wasn’t going to find peace until I resolved the issue. So I had to use ‘logic’ to find a place for my new handbag. The other bag I had which was similar was quite old and perhaps bigger. The new bag would go better with x and y clothes. The new handbag can live in a particular wardrobe until my other handbag is worn out. And so on. Once I reach a conclusion my brain relaxes. I know it’s all madness, but this crazy ‘logic’ is the only thing that calms me down, so I take as long as it’s needed to work things out in my head until I feel at peace wirh the solution

I'll obsessively worry about an issue e.g. there are cracks in house we are looking at buying. As it's old (1900) I've convinced myself the drains have collapsed and it's subsiding. I'm paying for a structural engineer to check it. But as my husband says, I won't believe engineer if he says it's ok as I'll think he's missed something or he's incompetent.

If by some miracle I do believe him that cracks are OK then I'll find something else to focus on. It's relentless.

I've tried sertraline and citalopram more recently and years ago fluoxetine. Are there any others worth trying?

I've tried lots of counsellors from BACP with different backgrounds and done many sessions of CBT.

Thanks for this perspective. Once I'm stressed all logic goes out of window and all I can think about 24/7 is the thing that is wrong with the house. I don't sleep which makes things worse too. So I end up doing silly things because logic has gone e.g. withdrawing offer. The relief is immense once I've done that.

The worst thing is thinking about the issue all the time and the panic feelings in my body. When I'm like this the weight falls off me.. My mind is constantly racing too and I can't focus on anything else. I think ultimately I'm afraid of making mistakes and losing money.

Do you write out your reasoning? I'm wondering if that might help me.. The daft thing is that once I'm out of the stressful situation I can then look at it sensibly.

Thanks for this perspective. Once I'm stressed all logic goes out of window and all I can think about 24/7 is the thing that is wrong with the house. I don't sleep which makes things worse too. So I end up doing silly things because logic has gone e.g. withdrawing offer. The relief is immense once I've done that.

The worst thing is thinking about the issue all the time and the panic feelings in my body. When I'm like this the weight falls off me.. My mind is constantly racing too and I can't focus on anything else. I think ultimately I'm afraid of making mistakes and losing money.

Do you write out your reasoning? I'm wondering if that might help me.. The daft thing is that once I'm out of the stressful situation I can then look at it sensibly.

Have you asked yourself what's the worst thing that can happen if X problem is real? If you don't move. If you live with that problem, what will really happen? Then do you call in a professional and find out? All houses require some level of maintenance. If you reinforce your fear instead of learning to manage it then it will return. Have you tried acceptance therapy or DBT?

Can you try just giving your son a lump sum. What he does with it is then his choice I.e. you don't get involved with his choice of house at all.

I really feel for you. When I go through an anxious/depressive episode then I similarly can't eat, can't sleep, my mind constantly races, and lose a lot of weight quickly. And just total obsession/fixation. Then the anxiety symptoms make everything worse than the original problem.

I'm lucky that my main trigger is something I can avoid for the most part and thus put it out of my mind. I've also used sertraline in the past which helped, so I'd try and explore different doses etc to see if it makes a difference. I've also tried hypnotherapy which didn't work for me, but others swear by. Sometimes I give my thoughts a name too, like "Oh that's just worrying Wendy saying that" and try and detach myself from it.

I also agree with the other advice that you need to somehow find a way to sit with the fears and let them play out so that the catastrophising part of your brain is confronted with the reality.

When there's a problem I think my default position is that the house is going to be worthless. I have to get rid of it or not buy it whatever the cost. I do call professionals but I often don't believe them.

I will look into acceptance therapy/dbt - I haven't tried that

It's such a relief to know I'm not the only one who feels like this. My husband has got Drs to see me today as I can't go on like this. I will discuss medication with them.

I think the advice to find a way to sit with the fears is what's been missing all these years - I've just run away and each time the catastrophic though has got bigger and bigger in my head.

I would suggest a highly effective CBT therapist and 12-20 sessions alongside an SSRI or SNRI medication potentially though consult with your GP. I am a CBT therapist. It sounds like generalised anxiety or OCD.

Sounds like OCD. Please get appropriate help as this can be very debilitating for you and the people around you.

Exposure therapy is the best therapy for OCD in my extensive experience:

https://www.ocduk.org/overcoming-ocd/accessing-ocd-treatment/exposure-response-prevention/

I don't know if the anxiety is really about houses or if it could be about money as I do worry about losing money - we didn't have a lot when growing up.

This isn't a rational problem, but you know that already. Therefore it's lodged in your subconscious, emotional mind and quite probably dates back to your childhood. Were there are issues growing up relating to housing? Were your mum or dad 'worriers'?

in the interim with your son can you remove yourself from his house buying experience? Let your DH and son deal with it without you?

My dad is a worrier. Gosh, I hadn't thought about childhood home. Growing up from age 5 we moved to a falling down house that dated back to 1500. My dad spent all holidays and eve/weekends working on it for years. I left at 18 and didn't return. I don't recall it bothering me but maybe it did.

thats awful. Houses can be a worry but you seem to recognise you are fixating on it. More counselling and therapy may help?

In terms of your son - why not gift him the money and let him buy his own house? Then it’s not something you have to worry about or have control over? Then he won’t be upset with you for pulling out?

I should be a detective rather than a therapist! I would guess that young you heard your dad's worries about the house and you absorbed those fears, without any capacity to understand or remedy them. They've now surfaced as your problems without any foundations (sorry!).

would your GP refer you to CMHT (community mental health team)?

I understand this a bit. I've not bought a house for a long time, but I have bought cars, and I feel this way then. It's a fear of losing the money that I've worked SO hard for, and scrimped for, and buying something that will turn out to be unreliable and costly in repairs. I wish I could afford to buy a nearly new car so that I didn't get into such a state, but I can't so that's that. What is helping currently is that we have found a reliable mechanic. I feel a bit safer. I have honestly nearly driven myself to a nervous breakdown over the last two cars we bought. I recognise now when I'm heading that way and try really, really hard not to let it get me, and my DH is also aware and tries his best to head it off, but in the end, only time passing really takes the edge off. It's awful and I would probably be just like you if we were buying houses. I have no advice, but it might help to know that you are not alone.

Maybe you have money dysmorphia! I just came across this term in an article today!

I was on citalopram but like you was still anxious,mind racing ,not sleeping, panicky.

I've been changed to Quetiapine and venlafaxine and mirtazapine.

Less anxious and sleeping better.
Also write down all things I have to do which helps stop going over and over things in my mind