Am I a narcissist? RSD? Or something else?

[Moonlightfrog]

Please be gentle, I’m close to rock bottom. Going through a break up with someone who I thought was a narcissist but now questioning my own behaviours after so many failed relationships. I guess I can be a little controlling at times but often keep it to myself. I fell out of dp a couple weeks ago because of a behaviour that was making me feel unhappy, it was nothing major, just something he does that makes me feel unloved and annoyed. He blew it totally out of proportion and turned it around on me, brought up stuff that he doesn’t like me doing and now I think we’re finished (we both said hurtful things). I’m not handling it too well, we have split before over similar things but I have stupidly gone back and he hasn’t really stopped doing the things that caused us to split. I know I can’t go back this time but I want him to fight for me, to say he misses me and for him to say sorry (which I know won’t happen).

I handle rejection really badly and take it very personally to the point of almost feeling suicidal.I have been rejected a lot and I’m beginning to think it’s my fault for wanting too much out of a relationship. I have been looking online at what makes a narcissist and I feel I tick a lot of the boxes. At times I lack empathy, when people tell me their problems I find it hard to connect and give sympathy, I can be selfish, I don’t think highly of myself though in fact I think very little of myself.

I have friends but I’m probably not the best friend, I try to be but sometimes I feel I probably don’t support friends as much as they support me.

I am going through diagnoses of ADHD, I know RSD can be a part of that too but could I also be a narcissist?

At the moment I feel like I can never be in a healthy relationship and I can’t blame that on the people I have been in relationships with….it must be me.

I am not an expert but I have known a few medically diagnosed Narcissists and there is no way they would even consider suicide or that they could be in any way responsible for the issues in their relationships

Thank you for your reply. I think it because he told me that I lack empathy, apparently I rarely ask him how his day was and I don’t check up on his feelings enough. He told me I make plans to do things with friends but I can’t make plans in advance with him (which isn’t true, I am just useless at making any plans further than a week ahead). I feel like I’m the bad person all the time.

Bloody labels! - they are so unhelpful.

All that matters is that you are not feeling happy with your life and you need some help. I hope you are able to reach out to local services.

I doubt you are a Narc but he IS a Dickhead if that helps

I actually think you’ve shown a really decent amount of self reflection, which actually many posters on MN don’t, they will always ensure the narrative is that the man is entirely in the wrong.

You sound sad and lonely, and it’s never nice to feel rejected. Everyone wants to feel loved and cared about, but perhaps past experiences intensify these feelings for you.

Be kind to yourself.

Thank you. I’m not good at reaching out, I often feel miss understood. I do have good friends who look out for me despite watching me go through this again and again (making poor choices with relationships).

I know he’s a dick and I’m trying soooo hard not to think about him and not too message him.

I wouldn’t say you are a narcissist as no narcissist would ever be think or worried they are one. How was your childhood? Did you have a physically and emotionally stable home life growing up? I only ask as it may be worth looking into Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD, also called EUPD) and see if that is checking any boxes?

My childhood was pretty good up until my teen years, pretty normal, good parents, no abuse.

I also wondered about Borderline Personality Disorder as you mention your fear of rejection being so intense. I don't think you're a narcissist from what you've said, hopefully you can get some support or counselling. Try not to label yourself, you may just need help with some issues.

BPD is more common in people that have ADHD. I think the differences between RSD and BPD are that RSD is about feeling rejected and BPD is about feeling abandoned. RSD tends to have a specific trigger event - ie getting feedback at work where as BPD is more a general pattern of behaviour.

I don't see anything that suggest narcissism here. You want him to be someone he's not (a good person), you keep hoping he'll change into that but he won't. Walk away and block him on everything and concentrate on getting your ADHD diagnosis and feeling happy with yourself. Read up on BPD and RSD and see which makes the most sense to you.

I think I have always had the fear of rejection, the more I’ve been rejected the worse it has become. I have held down a relationship in the last, I was married for ten years but since then it’s just got harder and harder. I have had counselling in the past but haven’t really got anywhere with it, I just get told I’m probably on the autistic spectrum but that does really solve anything or help me understand what’s wrong with me when it comes to relationships.

I don’t even know how to approach my GP for help for BPD, after looking it up it does sound like I may have it, I tick most (if not all) of the boxes. I’m not sure how to get help, at the moment I feel like an embarrassment, I hate myself for having the feelings I have and I feel like my GP will just think I’m fishing for a diagnosis as I’m already trying to get a ADHD diagnosis.

It's not surprising your fear of rejection has got worse if it keeps happening to you. How about to begin with, read some books written by people with BPD to see if it resonates with you when you read other people's experiences. I read a good one some time ago but I can't for the life of me remember the title at the moment. You might then think, no that's not me, or it might strike a chord. Do a bit of research into different things first then you can decide what type of help you might need. If it is a mental health condition like BPD you'd need to be diagnosed by a psychiatrist.Do you take any medication? Because that's what's usually offered for any MH condition.

By the way you're not an embarrassment and your feelings are completely valid. You must be feeling very upset and confused about things. I don't think your partner is helping matters, it could be you're just choosing the wrong men. There's plenty about that will make you feel bad about yourself but you deserve better than that, you sound like a good person to me x

Thank you, I will try and find some books to read. I have taken antidepressants in the past but not got on with them. I take beta blockers for anxiety but they don’t really help when I’m like this. I have spent years self medicating with things I shouldn’t, I have self harmed in the past in many different ways, I have put myself in unsafe situations in the past too. I read that sex addiction is linked to BPD, that people often have sex with people just to feel wanted, I guess that is me ☹️. I’m embarrassed about how I have acted in the past, how I have little respect for myself.

I have had several awful relationships with narcissists, I seem to attract them,probably because they love bomb me at the beginning.

This relationship started differently, it’s been slow…probably too slow for me and that has frustrated me at times even though it has also been good for me. It took me ages to let anyone in after the last one and I was totally happy on my own.

The more you say the more it does sound like it could be BPD. If after looking into it more you think you might have it, write down all your symptoms that seem to indicate that and take it to your GP. I find it helps to write things down so that if I'm finding it difficult to speak to the doctor I can just ask them to read it. It's probably a good idea to take a break from relationships for a while so you can take care of yourself and try and work out what's going on.

Just remembered the title of that book. It's a memoir. The Buddha and the Borderline by Kiera Van Gelder

Thank you

I spoke to my best friend (male) today and mentioned BPD and he said he didn’t think I have it, he thinks the guy I have been seeing has made me feel this way because of his narcissistic behaviours. I don’t know what to think as my friend doesn’t see my extreme reactions to things (I hide a lot as I know my reactions are not normal).

Today has been a slightly better day, my friend has kept me busy but he did give me a lecture about not going back to the man I was seeing because he’s been controlling me and making me question myself.

Having people diagnosed you, here and IRL, has not exactly helped so far, has it. Could it be you are a perfectly normal person who has experience loss and traumatic events?

If you must have a 'system' or acronyms to work with, look up the Power, Threat Meaning framework.

I managed to contact my gp this morning and have been referred to the mental health team who I am seeing tomorrow (very fast). I spent most of the night awake with thoughts going through my head and vivid dreams though I’m not even sure if they are dreams anymore.

Finding it hard not to contact ex today to tell him I miss him, I’m still unsure if he is the problem or me, I don’t know what’s rights and wrong anymore or what’s real. I cried when I filled out the online mental health forms for the gp because I ticked ‘most of the time’ for all the questions. I don’t know what to expect tomorrow, I really don’t want meds, I don’t want to feel like I’m not me but I also want me head to stop thinking.

Is there a reason that you are resistant to medication? It’s your choice at the end of the day of course, but if a medication is available to help while you are ill then I don’t see why you shouldn’t try?

I'm really glad to hear that you've got an appointment so quickly. I agree with @rileyy it is definitely worth considering medication when you're feeling as low as you are. It's surprising what a difference it can make.

I have tried a few different ones in the past and they have made me feel exhausted and I gained weight (I like to have control of me weight/possible ED). I know I can always try it and stop taking if I can’t handle the side effects.

Push for the assessment for ADHD and Autism I say and don't worry so much about discussing other things like BPD. Because I believe it's a distraction to accessing your assessment. If you're feeling you are ND, I'm telling you that you are. You know best.

A good start would simply be to look up boundary and setting healthy relationship boundaries. I read a great book on it which I forget the name of.

I'm a magnet to people who have behaviour towards the end of the scale that way ( narcissistic, sociopathic). We don't know if this guy is but you certs are not seeming this way. You have faults, you're flawed but you're probably vulnerable to these types more than being one.

Definitely look at boundaries and whether you feel you totally understand and apply then in life. I really had no clue and still work on this.