Suicidal but can’t leave 3yo

[User7164]

Marriage broken down after 3 years of painfully trying to make it work after baby. I have no decent experience or qualifications to get a good job, currently working part time for partner, scared shitless of becoming a single mum and having to return to work full time to scrape us by and never seeing my LO, of watching my partner move on and take my child away without me, of everything that comes with a divorce.

Feel like a waste of space (I always have), the only thing I’ve ever been good at is raising my amazing daughter. She is the only reason I am still alive or I would’ve gone a long time ago. She saved my life. But I can’t bare the thought of growing up being an embarrassment to her.

She is the only thing stopping me from going through with my thoughts as our bond is so strong and I could never imagine doing that to her we are joined at the hip and spend every second together. No real bond to my family and no friends so she is all I have but I’ve been in pain for so long and nothing has helped (therapy, meds etc).

don’t know what I’m looking for here, similar experiences? Survivors? Reassurance that she will be okay if I do go ahead? I just need to get the words out.

I’ve been where you are and honestly your daughter would be lost without you. You can do anything. I went back to college when my daughter was 2 you’re still young the worlds at your feet.
youre not an embarrassment just the way you are, you’re her everything and you’re the perfect mum for your baby

“But I can’t bare the thought of growing up being an embarrassment to her“

You won’t be an embarrassment to her. She will be bloody proud of the way you have dealt with the challenges life has thrown at you.

And importantly, you’ll be here for her. You could be the biggest embarrassment in the world (though you won’t be) but it’s a million times better than being left with no mum. She loves and needs you.

Sorry, I don’t know if that’s the right thing to say, or helpful at all. But I hope so. Someone with better words and more experience will be along shortly I’m sure, but I couldn’t read your post and not reply, Look after yourself and stay with us 💐

Hello OP, we are really sorry to hear you are feeling this way.

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health Resources .You can also go to the Samaritans website or email them on [email protected].
Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.

We also like to remind everyone that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster, emotionally or financially, than they can afford to spare.

I've been quite badly suicidal in the past. I was obsessed with the idea at one point. Life was genuinely hurting my soul. But I held on, took some medication, and used the crisis team when I was very bad. They came out to visit me a few times.

I very recently had some of the most amazing experiences of my whole life. I've been working on some art for a long time and recently got a massive, thrilling opportunity to progress with it. That's not to mention all the other amazing places I've been, people I've met, other wonderful experiences. I would have missed all this if I'd not held on.

I know how hard it is to even feel hope right now, but you do have hope. There's a quote from one of my favourite books that I think of: "If you live, you may still have good fortune. But all the dead are dead alike."

Sending you a huge hug. Take care of yourself and concentrate only on getting through the next hour. Even if it's smaller than that and you're just getting through the next five minutes, you can do it x

Research has shown that children who's parents commit suicide are 3 times more likely to do the same. You clearly love your daughter so much, and she you. If she was ever in your position, what would you want her to do? If the answer is reach out for help, please model that behaviour for her. ❤️ You don't need to feel like this forever, there will be a path forward that brings you to happiness. It might be hard to find, but your daughter will walk it with you. 💐

Sending you a big internet hug. One breath at a time, you've got this.

I've been there and with the exact same thoughts. About 6 years ago. Couldn't do it to her, decided I had to stick around, and that if I was sticking around I was going to have to do a good job with her. Therapy, meds, exercise, building up my own business have carried me through. I'm not saying I absolutely love life, but I'm happy to stick around.
I don't know what to suggest if you have already tried therapy and meds. Changing therapist changed everything for me. But I can see now what I would have missed, and how much my daughter absolutely needs me.
You are obviously quite special if you have such a good bond with your daughter, despite not having one with your own family and a lack of support in general. Keep trying, I promise it's worth it.

Please call the Samaritans and talk to them. Please ask for help specific to you and your circumstances , and please don’t make that choice.

You are not a waste of space you are a wonderful mother. You are feeling as horrific as it gets and yet you're not giving up because of your daughter who is very very blessed to have you as her mum. I have been where you are and to go through it and keep going for the sake of your daughter makes you about as incredible as a parent can get. You are not just a good mum, you're an EXCEPTIONAL one. The last thing she is going to grow up to be is embarrassed of you, my mum was in the same situation when my father left when my twin and I were 2.5 and also didn't end her life purely because of us and I can promise you the only thing we feel is awe and admiration. Having a 3 year old is really hard and although you are really bonded with her she's at an age where it's kind of almost impossible to imagine her being a bit older. So in your head it's potentially difficult to imagine a future that isn't lonely because when you're with a toddler or baby you might not be literally alone but it can feel very lonely psychologically and emotionally. You and your daughter already have a lovely relationship and it will only get better and better as she gets older and the pair of you deserve this beautiful relationship and the joy it will bring you both so keep on keeping on, it will be so worth it. Do you have a therapist to talk to? X

OP however low you feel you must never think about leaving your daughter. You need to stay strong for her. She needs you desperately and she always will. Even if you won’t do it for yourself, keep going for her, as you have been doing. You will come through this.

So sorry you are struggling -
try and seperate your thoughts / opinions of being an embarrassment and the facts / reality !
Ive been Ina dark place but my kids (teens ) as well as parents are the thing that stops me .
The fact you idolise your daughter will mean you are her role model and it sounds like you are an ace one - and that can’t be underestimated .
See if you can get some meds and or some talking therapy (possibly free )
samaritans are ace - I’ve phoned and just cried before . An impartial ear is wonderful
All the best
Hold on