feeling apprehensive, got a doctors appointment on tuesday

[jingleyjen]

I know I need to be honest with her in order to get the help I need but am really worried that if I tell her how desperate I have got that she will involve social services.

My kids are really in no danger at all I would never hurt them, but I guess they do have a mother with ishoos that need sorting out.

does anyone know what will happen process wise when I see the GP this week?

I am fearfull that I will get in there and talk to her about something else so that I can avoid this topic.

Hi Jingley

I'm sorry you are having a hard time too.

I would suggest writing down what ever it is you need to say to the doctor too, that way you won't forget or feel you can't say things...even if you just hand it to him/her, I am sure they will understand.

As for being worried about your boys, the mere fact you recognise there is a problem, and you want to sort it out, shows you are not a threat to them, only a loving and caring mother would want help, and to help her children.
Getting the help you need, and being there for them is the best thing you can do.

(please don't consider leaving them, I have had it happen to me as a child and believe me a mum with issues is better than no mum!)

Hope you can work things out

xx

Jen - I dont know how much you know of my history, but anyway:

I lost my dad 8 years ago in an industrial accident - suffered with depression, got berivement councelling and meds and felt ok again.

I got PDN after DS1 was born, but fell preg with DS2 so no treatment, as I felt a lot better, but....

DS2 was unwell and I soldiered on until well things just went off the wall. DH took me to the doctors and I just broke down and it all came out. I was so sure I was a crap mum and the boys would be better off withour me. DS2 was a year old.

I received a visit from the mental health crisis team the following day and everyday the following week, saw a consultant and received CBT at home on a weekly basis, which I finnished last week (DS2 will be 2 in June). I still am on meds, but will be looking to reduce them when I see my consultant week after next and also have an assigned mental health nurse.

I have had superb treatment, they have not once questioned with me my ability to look after my children, although they did have that conversation with DH seperatly.

I will CAT you my details, so please feel free to contact me and I will go though with you exactly what happended if you like.

I am not treated as though I am mad, I have an illness and they have treated me in that way.

I do hope that you can seek some help so that you can see that life is worth living and that you can make such a difference in your childrens lifes.

Thank you for all your honesty.
One of the things I am struggling with is that I really don't feel depressed. my thoughts about not being here are so clear, unfuzzy, uncompromising. I KNOW they aren't rational thoughts... they can't be.. but the numpty in me can't get past them.
it really does feel like I need a re-wire. EHM suggested a CBT lady who I have been in contact with, but she is £90 per session... I am really hoping the NHS will help with a little of the cost.

Arg, but Jen. I really didnt believe that my thoughts were irrational in anyway.

The analogy that suited me best was that my thoughts were flowers and weeds in a feild. The bad ones were weeds, but I didnt have the skills to tell the flowers or the weeds apart.

Get this I truely believed I was a bad mum, really really did, even thought I would write down all the things I did to make me a good mum, I just couldnt get past it.

With the help of CBT I have. well most of the time. I picture my irrational/bad thoughts as rubbish in a river and I am in a boat and I sail on by without giving them any value or weight.

A good read would be this by Paul Gilbert. I keep a copy in my downstairs loo

thanks for that TMH, it is now on order...
I like your analogy... can't seem to recognise any weeds at the moment though..

JJ - How are you feeling this morning?

Ah bless you for asking...
things aren't good,
I barely slept lastnight, I am not sure I can talk to her about it, I am frightened that once the ball is rolling I won't be able to stop/control it.. I can't cope with the idea of not being in control.

DH is being amazing and has offered to take the time off work and come with me, but this just feels like it makes the pressure worse.. If I do this it has to be because I want to rather than because everyone around me has pushed me into it.

I so know that in comparison to other ladies on here my life is brilliant, it almost feels like I should just shut up and carry on...

argh I just feel in such a muddle about it.

sorry to see you are having a tough time,even so you manage to offer others support, that, makes you pretty special you know.
just remember you made tha appointment not dh all he is doing is letting you know he is there for you, sounds to me that you do want to do it so remember use small steps and you will get there xx

easier to talk people through their problems than dealing with your own I find

I will go tomorrow, I hate the unknown, I have no idea what she will say, I have run the conversation over in my head so many times.

I don't want her to dismiss my problems but nor do I want the front door knocking down by social services.

I know exactly what you mean about talking to others about their problems, and for me, the answers seem cut and dry, shame i can't apply the same logic to my own life

I posted a huge long post to you earlier and my computor crashed .

Let me just tell you what happened when i went to the doctor, of course a lot will depend on your doctor and the services your health centre can offer.

I basically broke down, completely, was hysterical in the clinic over something trivial (i thought my tonsils were tumours - i suffer from severe health anxiety). My doctor was lovely, not over sympathetic, i didn't want that. There was not one mention of social services nor any questions about how i cope with DD. Which i do, most of the time. Please don't worry about this, you recognise that you have a problem and you are doing something about it, that makes you a better mother than most. I was given the option of ADs which i didnt take at first, and my doctor was totally OK with that, you will not be forced onto ADs, but they will be offered if they think you will benefit. Taking ADs does not mean an admission that you are depressed (although that in itself is not a weakness or the end of the world). I was given them for anxiety, which really sounds from what you describe is what you are going through - i have found them really helpful for that side of things. I was given counselling which for me was as useful as a chocolate teapot, but if you can get CBT that will be a real help. You might have to be qutie assertive to get this.

Write everything down too, makes things easy to remember. If its hard to talk, just give her the note.

I think its good your DH wants to come along, he wants to understand too - makes it easier for him maybe to understand, but that is up to you.

You sound very strong actually, you will get through this. And please stop beating yourself up over this, you have ishoos, you say. That means you are unwell, its physical, you are not a wallower or weak - just need a pick me up. Yes of course there are people with more concrete problems around, most of my problems are in my head, it doesnt make them any less real. Some of those poeople will need help, others wont - we are all different. But you are not weak and you WILL get over this.

Do let us know how you get on

SO how does this sound?

I will go and tell her that some recent events have flipped open stuff that I have not dealt with from when I was younger. I don't feel depressed but what I need is her assistance to find the help I need to clear the problems from my past.

but what are these problems

I was attacked when I was a child and although I have managed to get to this point without external assistance, it is really causing problems.

what kind of problems

well this is the point that it breaks down...
Do I tell her I feel a strong determination that I should remove myself from the planet

Argh

JJ - Yes you need to tell her about the suicidal thoughts as they really do determine the level of treatment you will recieve.

One thing that I promiced my DH through all this is that I would not lie, as it would be counter productive. If you do not tell them the abolute truth they can not begin to help you get better.

I also agree with LucyEllen you need to involve DH, it will give him an understanding of what is going on and also they are going to ask him things too at some stage. DH has been my rock thoughout all my treatment and although he found it hard that I didnt want to be alive at times, he dealt with it and it also gave him an insight into just have removed I was from things.

you know what jingley, i dont think that the details of what is playing on your mind is what you should be discussing with the doctor. Tell her about it if you feel you want to by all means, but just tell her that you just feel like shit, i think you should tell her you are suicidal or have been having those thoughts. Just tell her you are not happy and dont feel like you can handle things on your own - she is not going to want to start probing into the history, as you say, that is where it all becomes painful for you (so sorry you have had to deal with that btw) - but seeing her will be the start you need. Do not be fobbed off with "its tough having kids" bullshit, be open and honest and don't leave without a refferal.

My bet is she will have you fill out a questionaire thing, and she will most likely refer you for further counselling.

Listen, what happened to you was not your fault, the fact that you are struggling with the demons it left, IS NOT YOUR FAULT, but by saying its not your fault doesnt mean you don't have the power to do something about them, which you are, much respect to you for putting up a fight, fighting for yourself and your family.

ive just looked at your profile, what a lovely family you have, gorgeous kids and hubby too

thank you LucyEllensmum for both your messages..

I hope I will get more sleep tonight, just managing to hold things together today but another night with no sleep will make me a wreck tomorrow.

just wanted to say i will be thinking about you tomorrow and sending you some ((hugs))
hope you manage to sleep

hi darling.i just wanted to say ill be thinking about you today.be strong true and honest xxxxx

Hope everything goes OK today. Please let us know

thanks everyone,
feeling scared, had the runs for the last 24 hours and not keeping food down, not sure if it is a bug or worry (I think probably worry)

I am less worried about them bashing my door down and taking the boys but still really scared about starting a ball rolling that I am not going to be able to stop.

Not sure I am ready to deal with this stuff...
however, if Iwill can get through yesterday, I can get through today...

Dh has decided to take the afternoon off and is going to look after DS2 and DS1 is going to play with a friend after school. I wanted to have DS2 with me - not sure why, something to cuddle, focus on? But DH has said no.

Will be thinking of you today. Your DH is right, sensible to be able to focus on talking to the doc really. If you are feeling fraught and uptight DS may well pick up on this and be irritable. You do sound like you have a lovely relationship (and he is more than a bit gorgeous! LEM wonders at the appropriateness of complimenting others posters DHs )

Yes, you are starting the ball rolling, but remember, you are always in control, the doctors are there to help, not control, you are asking for help and they are providing you with a service, it helps to think of it that way i find. We are often brought up to believe that doctors are all powerful etc, they are simply doing a job (a bloody good one and very necessary) and you are effectively their customer - look at it that way and you stay in control. I do see that losing control seems to be a big issue you for you, i think you should mention this as i am willing to bet that is due to things that have happened in the past. This is really such a positive thing you are doing, as you are taking the reins and getting your life back - well done and take care x

thank you everyone for your support,
I went to the appointment this afternoon.
It didn't go as I had planned, I cried more that I should and paniced more than I should.

She assured me she isn't going to have the children taken away, or have the men in white coats take me away.

but she also agreed that the clarity in my thoughts and lack of other signs of depression would suggest this really does need more help than she can offer.

She has sent an urgent fax to the psychiatry unit at the hospital asking for an emergency assesment.. (what that means I am not sure)
She wants to see me again on Friday I paniced and thought it would be an ambush people come to take me away.. she assured me it was just so she can see how I am.

I ttold her that my fear was having started the process that I couldn't stop if I felt I couldn't handle it, she assured me that I can get "off the rollercoaster at any time"

I had cried so much that my face looked like a beetroot so she let me out of the fire escape door so I didn't have to walk back through reception.

So I now have a million more questions.
how long till they contact me from the hospital,
who will I see
what will they do!

Anway if any of you have any tips (aside from pull yourself together ) please share..
thanks again your support has been so valued.

First of all WELL BLOODY DONE we all know how much guts that took to do that. hopefully you feel reassured. I didn't get pysch assesment although am going to ask for one, but lots of people on here have had this and it is just so you get the right treatment and therapy and quickly - so all positives.

Keep posting and keep talking to that lovely DH of yours. If you ever feel out of control and you are alone, ring the samaritans.

You have just taken the first step to feeling good again, that was a HUGE steps, luckily its baby steps from now on. Wishing you all the luck in the world, your boys are lucky to have you you know.

btw might be an idea to start a thread asking about the psych assesment. I know a few posters who have had this, but im buggered if i can remember their names

Its not possible to cry to much when so much is pent up inside. If you can't let it all out to your GP when asking for help the world would be a very sad place.

RE what happens now I posted about something that happened to a friend for who things were difficult yesterday in another thread but it seams relevant so here goes.... After she was assessed she got a day a week to herself. I believe it was through her GP and social services they found local centers to take the children and arranged taxi collection all paid for to allow her some space to find herself - be that being able to drink a full cup of tea uninterrupted, go back to bed and catch up on some critical sleep or read a magazine. The older children were school age and they arranged school drop off/ collection as well on that one day so it really was a chance to have a break. She stayed in control and got to pre-approve the childcare arrangements.

You are the very best person for your kids don't ever forget it. You've made such a significant life changing step today and shown you really can move forwards.

Very best wishes to you and yours

LucyEllensMum..DH read your message and is very very flattered! he doesn't see that he is handsome the way I do..
thank you so much again for all your support..

Still fearful but calmer than earlier