So worried about my child - please help

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My child frequently says they want to die, that they make everyone's life worse and they want to kill themselves. They are almost 10.

They have struggled honestly since birth with emotional regulation. Think crying, screaming, anger, very sensitive, very very low self esteem, being unable to take direction, displine or criticism at all really. They struggle to cope with frustration. It's improved somewhat in more recent years but it is still bad and extremely frequent and their sibling is, understandably, increasingly depressed and angry from living in a house with this much upset.

The closest thing I can come up with in terms of their symptoms is probably attachment disorder.

It can occasionally be a happy home, but I'd say something happens pretty much every day.

It's affected my MH which I think has made it worse or even caused it, as I think I've basically had parental burnout for years. Also, occasionally I've reacted very badly, saying or doing the wrong thing when at my wits end. Last night I said something awful and flippant and immediately took it back but I know it was wrong. I try so hard to stay calm, kind and empathetic but I'm far from perfect. Same with my husband. We are trying our best but obviously it's not enough.

We don't meet CAMHS threshold. GP brushed us off. We work closely with the school (behaviour is ok there but they struggle with some aspects of learning / often zone out and struggle to attend). We have done parenting courses. We have taken them to expensive private SEN assessments. We have tried to notice triggers and pre empty them. We try to encourage them into things that may support self esteem. We are on long waiting list for private counselling.

I'm just wondering if anyone has gone through similar and had any success with anything.

Thanks in advance

Oh bless you, I have no experience with this but didnt want to read and run. I am extending a big virtual hug and shame on the GP!

I would - 1) try a new GP (research the one in your area that has outstanding CQC rating, it made difference to my care), 2) reach out to MH charities - there are children's ones - such as Young Minds, or just Mind. Take it from there, call their helpline. Look into Kooth for your child. You deserve more support.

This is terrible, so sorry for you all going through it. What was the outcome of the private assessments? And were those with child psychologists? One of my DS's has other issues, not as extreme, but we had a private assessment at a clinic and they were very helpful both on the diagnosis side, and give ongoing support and medication, and with the educational side - reports, recommendations and follow-up. Given the issues your DC is facing, there should be some more help you can research and access privately as well as other counsellors without such long waiting lists, even if it has to be done remotely. I don't think waiting for the GP and CAHMS is going to be enough as they're so overloaded. I hope you can get better help for him and all of you soon.

What were the outcomes of the private assessments? I'm assuming one was for ASD? Why is the waiting list for private therapy long? If you're paying for it I'd hunt around until you find someone else who is available quicker. I had to go private for my ds10 for child psychologist and the first two I tried had wait lists, I declined and continued searching, had an appointment with the third attempt within only 1 weeks.

Thanks I will look into these. Not heard of Kooth.

Thank you.

It was not with a psychologist, it was with developmental therapists who did lots of standardised tests.

Slow processing some auditory processing, likely dyslexia, sensory issues.

Not much in way of repetitive or restrictive interests really, NHS assessment was borderline on autism.

High quality therapy for young people with MH issues where I live is extremely in demand and waiting lists are crazy even privately. We have 4-5 months still to go for the private option.

I'm trying to work out what else we could / should be doing.

I have replied above - but we did see a therapist a few years back and she was nice but it didn't really work out as she had health issues which made it v unreliable. My DC loved spending time with her but there wasn't much benefit if any so I'm keen to make sure we access the right care - not just the first available. But services seem to all have waiting lists. Maybe I need to hunt for more.

Really I'm keen to find out what else I could / should do x

You could contact Young Minds, they're a mental health charity for young people and have a good helpline.

You could try BACP for a therapist. You can go online if there's a long waiting list in your area.

You might find Family Lives helpful as well.

Also @Nogodsnomasters can I ask why you assumed one was for ASD?

Does this sound typical?

I didn't want to read and run either, and although I know it doesn't help exactly, just want to say my daughter (now 13) is and has always been exactly as you describe.

We've also been turned down for CAMHS and have tried private counselling (sporadically).

I strongly suspect ASD/ADHD at least. She's on a very long waiting list for assessment. Head of SEND at school, who is very experienced, strongly suspects this too.

Suicidal pre-teen is often a marker for ASD/adhd.

Probably ASD more than adhd.

I'd get assessed for both.

Travel to London, spend 5k, get a proper autism assessment done. You can get it within three weeks. And cognitive test with it. This sounds exactly exactly like an ASD child with high functioning in some areas and not others.

Emotional dysregulation, melt downs, very sensitive, low self esteem, sensory issues could all be caused by ASD - but there would be social/communication issues, black and white thinking, being quite literal, talking at you about their favourite topics for example. How are they doing socially at school?

I'd say there's two major points where the wheels often start to suddenly fall off with kids with high functioning ASD, that is approaching secondary school age and approaching GCSE's.

Because you said they were SEN assessments so autism or ADHD the two most common assessments. However behavioral wise yes one of the two do sound possible.

Yeah, I agree with the travelling to a clinic that can see you sooner rather than later. You need a proper psych who'll be able to diagnose the dyslexia rather than just saying it's likely and to give you clarity on what else is going on and help you to do something about it. There are places in London and other cities that are more likely to have capacity than your local area and can get the ball rolling. Also remote can be an option if you're open to that, for counselling too, though of course in person is ideal if poss. If you can stretch to the fees, then it will be well spent rather than sitting on waiting lists as things get worse.

www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topics/behaviour/demand-avoidance

Have you considered this ^

I know a young man with this and he is medicated. It helps him a LOT

Can you try a new CAHMS referral? We got in once, came out. Tried to get back in 7 months later and were refused, despite my daughter being suicidal!! Then got back in at a later date. My heart goes out to you, I'm a single mum and totally burnt out x

I’d look for a private ASD assessment, you can get the whole process done within 2-3 weeks where I live if you have the money.

I think you need to look after you. There is a brilliant group called Parenting Mental Health- look them up on FaceBook. They support parents whose children (of any age) have mental health conditions (of any kind). It's about supporting the parents so that they can be in the best place to support their child- it can be a long game and traumatising for parents.

I second the above but from a different perspective. I find that chanting an ancient Buddhist mantra Nam-Myoho-Renge-Kyo for 20 minutes calms me down and I often begin see things in a different light. It's also meant to put you in harmony with the Universe. You can find more on pronunciation and meaning on our charity website SGI-UK, link to follow. I have a sensitive teen myself. It's awful to hear they don't want to live, their lives are worthless etc. You need support for yourself

Here's the link https://sgi-uk.org/

These do sound like very common females ASD traits that are often misunderstood.

When you mentioned attachment issues , has she had any trauma in her past?

Sorry I was trying not to go into too much detail but we already had an autism assessment on the NHS. The result was borderline.

Just because you have a diagnosis it doesn't actually change anything, well in my experience so far it doesn't. Maybe I'm missing something. We've done what we can in terms of school, and there no extra help that comes with a dx that I can find.

Not female. Which confuses things more. As I agree they sound like female ASD traits.

Trauma - I had a stressful pregnancy as I'd had losses before and was v anxious about another.

I don't know if it counts as trauma but I became quite depressed at times due to no sleep / constantly screaming child in the first year or two after birth especially and found it hard to be a good engaged parent a lot of the time as a result. No support whatsoever except from DH. I couldn't leave the house most days because of the screaming being so antisocial. It was literally survival mode. It was an extremely difficult time and I was getting by on 1-2 hours sleep a night. Tbh I was a bit like a zombie.

In hindsight I think they maybe had silent reflux which contributed to the screaming.

I first became depressed aged 13. Lots of upset at home as in job losses and bereavements. I have attempted suicide twice. I feel helpless and suicidal often. Venlafaxine has literally saved my sanity. However what really saved me was having children as I couldn't hurt them like that. I am now a pensioner and grew up in the 70s. My parents made me feel a nuisance and were embarrassed by my MH. What I'm trying to say is implore on your DC how it would destroy you and SH if something bad happened and that you would never get over it. Make time for them one to one. Do they have a pet or something they are very fond of? Dogs are brilliant for depressive. Hopefully it will pass, especially if their depression is school related. Keep the lines of communication open and let him know he is loved every day. I k ow this is incredibly hard but it really is zbout your DC not you or DH.

Hello OP, I totally understand as I have been through the same exactly. It seems to me that you are doing everything you can, and I know that sometimes it still feels like you are not doing enough. Unfortunately with MH things are never simple and easy. The assessment are subjective, the meds do not work the same on everyone, kids often do not want to go to therapy or do not want to talk to them, so it is going to be long and painful road but you are on the right track. If I can add anything I would say, keep him close. I want to believe that this is what saved my daughter (so far at least), I did, as a result, have to spend less time and give less attention to my other two children 😔.

My DDs therapist told me that the only reason my daughter is still alive is because she knew that would kill me. She lived because of my love for her and hers for me, I guess, so... Keep him close and love him as much as you can while at the same time, you allow him space (this is the hardest part).

Also, in order for you to help him, you have to help yourself first. Take care of yourself OP. Hugs❤️

Bearing in mind their age and your hypothesis about attachment, I would seek therapy for your losses and your parental burnout, heal your own attachment wounds and then you have a great chance of attachment repair (your child has opportunities for this as the brain continues to develop). Ideally you would work as a diad or family with a family therapist but they are like hens teeth these days. It's much better anyway for the parent to get the therapy to help the child, so even if it seems like they need the help not you it would be time (or money) well spent.