For most of my life I have never been able to get a grip on my anxiety, are some people just destined to suffer all their lives?

[Normansglasseye]

I have struggled with anxiety and anxiety related conditions (odc, panic disorder, weird thoughts etc) since I was a very small child, I am almost 52 now.

It has come in peaks and troughs but has always been lurking in the background, I have never been free of it. The last 6 years have been dreadful (perimenopause and caring for a parent with dementia certainly does not help). Over the years I have tried many, many things to help. Endless CBT sessions, very expensive hypnotherapy, seen counsellors and psychologists. I have tried EMDR, I practice breathwork, yoga, mindfulness, exercise every day and always have done, very healthy living (boringly so), sleep well etc......

I have tried various meds but they all upset my terrible IBS, which is most probably connected to the gut/brain/anxiety cycle (although I do have endometriosis and have been told it could be on my bowel). HRT hasn't helped either. I have tried lots of alternative stuff but they don't have much of an effect on me.

I just feel as though suffering from anxiety and a whole myriad of poor mental health issues is probably my destiny and after all these years I may never be free of it. I genuinely see it as some kind of disability now, something I just can not seem to free myself from.

I will add that I am currently awaiting an ADHD assessment (was advised to seek this by my psychiatrist) and not sure if I will be diagnosed or not but I do often wonder if this may have been the cause of my mental anguish for most of my life and the reason why I struggle to control it or why I go to pieces when there is too much stress in my life?

Is this something anyone else can understand? I have friends who have suffered from bouts of anxiety throughout their lives but they have always overcome them or have managed it well without it having too much of an impact to their lives but I never seem to have been able to get a tight grip on everything.

What the hell is wrong with me?

ILoveMySmoothies, I am so sorry you had to go through all of that as a small child. There really should be more help for people who have gone through such trauma at a young age.
I do hope you manage to find some peace in your live through some means.

I've not read all your posts but just wanted to say, anxiety is a normal body response you can't get rid of it and unfortunately when you are prone to it it is more reactive/stronger.

The key to managing anxiety is to accept it like you accept joy or love. The reason meditation/yoga help is because those tense and uncomfortable feelings you get are what you need to get use to. Everytime you resist anxiety you make it worse.

If you can accept the uncomfortable feelings you can manage your anxiety and ironically once you accept how you feel your nervous system will relax and calm .

The difficult bit is you have to do it again and again and again. But eventually you can train your body and mind to not have the big reactions they currently have but anxiety will always be there in some form and you will always have to work at in some way.

Anxiety can be life saving we need it but we also need to understand that not every thing the body gets anxious about is life and death so you need to teach your body and thoughts when anxiety is not required.

@Normansglasseye EMDR is the eye movement treatment have you had that?

Yes, I had EMDR a few years ago. Eye movement and tapping my shoulders. Didn't help at all sadly.

I’m the same. I have specific triggers that make things worse, like stressful situations involving neighbours or whatever. I hate it and just wish I could be calm and not constantly worry about everything and always expect the worst. Sometimes I think I’d like to move to the middle of nowhere because then at least I wouldn’t have to worry about neighbours or interacting with people so much.

Yes. You are right of course some people are destined to suffer all their lives. We accept that there are physical health conditions that can't be cured or even much ameliorated and mental health is no different.
You may find that somethings sometimes helps, but it's certainly not the case that everyone can be cured and it's that sort of falsehood that has people feeling guilty as well as anxious when they are not responding to treatment.

I'm sorry to read about your suffering OP but this is the thread I was meant to find. I don't know if I can offer more than solidarity but I find that helpful myself so I hope you will too.

Like you I've suffered all my life (am 57) with or without meds, therapy etc and it's been crippling. Diagnosed with anxiety at a young age (7?) and depression at 16. Loving family but unstable upbringing, loads of MH/learning/substance issues all over both sides of family tree. On meds at 7 and again from 25. Agoraphobic (though not housebound), education interrupted, in and out of work for years etc.

Have tried just about everything and I find distraction more helpful than yoga, tapping, meditation, CBT etc.

Found CBT in particular invalidating and verging on bullying, especially when in the depths of mental agony, though it was useful once I had begun to recover a bit.

In my 20s I trialled over a dozen different meds and was considering ECT, which had begun to come back into use. Logistically it was impossible as I had no one to help with the practicalities of being sedated and the side effects scared me but it was a good one to keep in my pocket as a future possibility as it's useful to feel hopeful for the future, to keep in mind that there is always something else to try iyswim.

Enjoyed a sort of remission in my 30s, met DH, married, had a happier life for a while and now it's all fallen down again with menopause.

In a fit of optimism I had a session with a private occupational therapist to see if that could help but it was disappointing, basically involved pacing myself which I know already and is so hard to do on my own.

Diet could not be better, I've got time to cook good quality, fresh, unrefined food and it's a priority.

I should probably be on meds now but that's a rough road considering I've been on so many in the past and really required specialist help which is probably no longer available to me.

If I was young I have no doubt I'd have an alternative diagnosis (eg ASD). At school (not in UK) I was always being sent for extra hearing tests and various aptitude/development testing as they knew something wasn't right. I can't see what use it would be now. I accept myself, I'm quite happy to be 'different' or whatever but it's the suffering that makes me despair.

The gut issues that I had from the meds were simply awful, I know people say to push through but months later how are you supposed to do that as it really has an impact on your day to day life, doesn't it?

I hope you managed to find something to help, no fun is it?

It's absolutely awful. I wouldn't even be able to manage school runs (ironic wording I always think) at one point. Half an hour max. *

I am lucky to work at home but if I have to go into the office, I refuse to eat, which then has its own issues.* *

I now try to avoid lactose as much as I can but not always easy, especially when it's in prescribed meds.* *

Everything crossed you find help too.*

Ah im sorry OP. It’s so frustrating when we think something might work and then it doesn’t.

You sound so very much like me, even down to feeling a little more balanced in your 30's. My 30's where some of my most happiest years, especially when my dc were young, I was a sahm for many years and although not overly popular on MN, I can honestly say I felt my most content and at ease during those years. Mid 40's onwards have been very tough and I am not enjoying my 50's so far, at all.

I have never felt comfortable with CBT and I have had many, many different sessions with different practitioners.

I would be most surprised to find that I am not neuro-diverse, it's often the only thing which makes true sense to me. I watch others explain how they feel/act and I really understand them, more than I understand neuro-typical people.

I accept myself, I'm quite happy to be 'different' or whatever but it's the suffering that makes me despair

I totally get this, the constant slog and struggle is the hardest part. That's the thing which really pulls me down.

Especially when these therapies are so expensive too.

I long to live out in the deep countryside away from people. It's not that I am a miserable and unsociable person but I just love space, away from noise and stress. My neighbours are an absolute nightmare, they have 2 dogs who bark all day long, drives me insane.

I don't think people fully understand just how much anti-depressants can affect the gut and in a really negative way. It's one thing experiencing a jiffy tum for a week or two but as you say, there can be a whole other level to it which most people could not and would not put up with, it's impossible.

They are. Sounds like you’ve tried a lot to get better.

I haven't RTFT but I am a psychotherapist and I work for the NHS. I have so many clients referred to me who say they have a cycle of anxiety and low mood and it turns out that it is undiagnosed ADHD. Many people think they have anxiety, but it is not that it is overwhelm. Anxiety will always have fear attached to it - something which you are scared of happening. This is why treating the anxiety doesn't work - it was not the issue in the first place.

May I ask a respectful question? How does knowing this help? Is it just the self understanding, or the meds, or making adjustments in behaviour, or is there something else? I see the benefit for children but I don't understand if/how it helps established adults, though it must as so many people seek a diagnosis in middle age.

What you say makes sense, which is why CBT, trying to pinpoint the fearful thought that provokes the anxiety, is such hard work. I always failed to find the negative thoughts and foundational beliefs that supposedly were behind my anxiety/depression.

I was not helped by methylphenidate. I'm not sure what additional adjustments I could make in my life, as a menopausal woman I feel like I can't be any more myself than I already am. I burnt out in my stressful workplace and don't work anymore. I didn't have children because it seemed like too much for me, and I feel fine about that. My family love and support me. I'm still in so much angst, not helped by not earning and having to find a way to meaningfully occupy myself.

This is less a question about my own situation, more about how a diagnosis can help adults who aren't starting out in life, I feel like I'm missing something.

@trainedopossum when you understand why you think the way you do, that helps a lot. So if you are neurodivergent and you have been trying to fit into a world that is predominantly tailored towards neurotypical people, you will have been struggling to do that and probably blaming yourself for having difficulties which other people don't seem to have. Once you understand that you are never going to fit in and why, you can work towards your strengths and not your weaknesses and stop 'beating yourself up' for not being good enough.
Equally, medication can also help, as a lot of the ADHD overwhelm comes from having too wide a field of focus, which makes it hard to get a task done without doing others at the same time. Medication narrows that field of focus to allow people with ADHD to prioritise a single task and complete it. This then stops the worrying about never getting things done or the procrastination.

I really have.

I always say that if I were to ever win the lottery that I would not be interested in anything material, the first thing I'd do is pay to see a really great psychologist/psychiatrist, someone I could see for a long time. Maybe that's what I need?

I am awaiting an ADHD assessment. In many ways I am hoping it's something I have because I have spent so many years trying to understand why I act/feel the way that I do and why so many conventional therapies for anxiety just haven't left a mark on me and I have spent so many years beating myself up about that. I feel quite a failure that something as simple as CBT isn't/hasn't helped me no matter how much effort I've put into trying to understand.

Overwhelm is exactly how I feel even back when I was a child. The world has felt very overwhelming to me and I can't get anyone in my life to fully understand that.