I think I’m going to go missing

[Sendhelp99]

Sorry this might be a bit muddled. I’m in difficult situation with my life, I’m a single parent, my disabled child hurts me everyday, he’s a lot bigger than me. I am scared of him, I think one day he is going to seriously injure or kill me. I also have PTSD, it’s a horrible combination. I give everything to him so that he will be ok, I love him so much. But there’s nothing left for me, and nothing left of me.
He’s not in school atm, it’s been months. we have a sw and Camh involvement, they all say the right things and are sympathetic. Things will get better in time apparently.
I wrote my own suicide note last week, I am so deeply miserable. I feel like I have no options but to end my life or to run away.
I don’t know what else to do, as much as I say how difficult things are no one really seems to hear me.

I'm so sorry you're going through this, you poor woman. Unfortunately unless you say the right things to SW you slip through the cracks.
Have you said to them your son needs immediate respite care as you are at risk of carer breakdown?

Can you immediately contact NHS Direct option 2 and speak to the mental health team. 111+ option 2.

If you need to talk, you can contact CALM. They have a helpline and webchat.

You could also contact Family Lives regarding your options and Scope. Ask about respite.

Please contact this organisation. You need to speak to someone who understands how desperate you are. https://sossilenceofsuicide.org/ This stranger is sending you a handhold. You will get through this, but you can't do it alone.

Thank you for your reply, it means a lot.
I’ve said in the past I couldn’t continue, I even left before, but came back after a week. Everything went back to how it was before.
i think when it’s child on adult violence there’s not really much support. If it was an adult doing this to me I might be able to go to a shelter or something, or be listened to at least.

@Sendhelp99 Did you manage to speak to anyone last night?

I did, thank you. I’ve packed a bag but not going to go today at least.

I'm sending you strength and a hand hold. Please keep reaching out

Don't go.

Go to a&e and tell them you've made immediate plans to end your life and that you need inpatient help because you have nobody to support you.

At this point your SW will have to step up.

I wish I could offer practical advice or help in any way but I can't. But know that even strangers care about you and send you love and strength. X

How old is he, what is the nature of his disabilities? Physical, severe autism etc? Does he deliberately hurt you or is he lashing out involuntarily (is that the word I mean?)? Is residential care a possibility? Is he verbal? You don’t need to answer these questions here, I’m just thinking of the options open to you will differ depending on the answers. What are his options as an adult? When they say ‘things will get better in time’, what is ‘better’? What is the best scenario, how much independence will he have?

There is not enough seriousness taken for carers burnout/stress/meltdown and sometimes you have to do something drastic to change.

(One thing I would say, if you walk out then please phone the sw/police/ambulance to say you’ve done that so they can get your son.)

That sounds unbearable OP, sending you strength.

What an intolerable situation. I'm so sorry, OP. No one should be left alone to cope like this.

In your shoes I would leave, and then phone sw/police to tell them you've left. I'd force them to find residential care for him and tell them you relinquish parental responsibility permanently. I would only return once he has a permanent placement, but I wouldn't have him in my home again, because if you give social services an inch they will take a mile and decide you can take him back.

It's absolutely shocking that people (usually women) are expected to cope without decent respite facilities and support. Your entire life and your mental health is ruined and the system doesn't care.

So sorry to read this @Sendhelp99 you are amazing for getting where you are.

What's today looking like? 💐

Thank you so much for all your replies, I can’t tell you how much it has meant. Even just being able to communicate this to someone has helped.
My son was with his Dad last night so I was able to have some respite and to think more rationally today. I’m lucky that his Dad is involved and sees him regularly, although it’s also part of the reason behind the behaviour though; going between homes and the different parenting styles. DS has autism and a quite significant learning disability so he doesn’t have the ability to manage his own emotions or express them in anyway except violence or destructive behaviour. And he feels closest to and safest with me, so that all comes out at me and not his Dad or anyone else.
The ‘things will get better’ narrative from the professionals is mainly about when DS is back in school, which the process is just starting to find a new one. I do think this will help but also increase his anxiety so it’ll be very much a double-edged sword.
His Dad won’t allow him to be medicated for the anxiety so that contributes to my sense of hopelessness.

I think the biggest thing is that I really have communicated with all the professionals we have involved how things are, and how I feel, many times, really clearly. They express sympathy, say the right things and then leave. I don’t even know what they might do tbh, apart from taking my child into care if I asked them to.

I don’t want him to live with his dad or go into care, I think being separated from me would deeply damage him. But I also have no idea now what to do, maybe if I leave it’ll force those involved, including his Dad, to find a way to make changes. I just know that living this way is destroying me, I feel like I don’t matter at all, like I’m just an appliance that has to keep going and going and no one notices until it breaks down. I don’t want to be punched in the face while I’m just sitting down playing a game with my child, I don’t want to have to lock myself in a room to avoid being attacked while the rest of the house gets destroyed.

I can’t see the woods for the trees though, so if you’ve got through that and something jumps out at you that I should do, I’d be very open to hearing it.

Hello OP, we are really sorry to hear you are feeling this way.

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources: https://www.mumsnet.com/webguide/mental-health. You can also visit the Samaritans website at www.samaritans.org or email them on [email protected].

Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.

We also like to remind everyone that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster, emotionally or financially, than they can afford to spare.

We hope things improve for you soon, OP.

Get Camhs and your GP to refer to a disability team social worker. This is not a child protection social worker. It needs to be an urgent referral.

They need to know you are at the end of your rope. You don't need platitudes you need action.

Ultimately this may involve leaving your child at social services and going away for a bit. You'll know they are safe but if you are at the stage where your mental health has deteriorated to this state (which is very understandable) then they must take action.

I say the last part as I had a friend in exactly the same situation for years, placated and placated with no action. In desperation she did this.

They were reunited and help was forthcoming but goodness me. I really do understand. The system is an awful mess and nobody wants to accept funding.

OP what you you like to happen ideally? It's appalling tbh that there is nowhere for him to go to school and that that wasn't sorted out before he left the previous school. The just leaving you to manage while they fanny around deciding on a place is just plain wrong.

OP who looks after your son mostly - I'm guessing you. Get him medicated, it's likely to help everything. You can get him medicated without your ex's consent from what i understand, he could take you to court but is that likely? It could be a complete game changer for your life and your sons. It must be horrible for him to be constantly in such a high state of anxiety.

If things get really desperate again then tell SS that they need to sort something out or you will have to take your son to A and E and leave him there for both of your safety because he is violent and you are suicidal. If they still don't take you seriously and things are really bad then follow through and they will have to become involved. This a hundred times better than you just suddenly disappearing or committing suicide.

I can't imagine how hard things are for you and you cannot be expected to do this alone. I'm so sorry the system is so shit.

That’s interesting to hear about your friend’s experience @protectthesmallones , that potentially it could be a possibility. Things are hopefully better for them now.
I think my son being medicated is maybe a priority @Lou205 , my concern with doing so against his father’s wishes is that he presumably won’t give him his medication on the one full day a week he is with him, which isn’t ideal with something like an antidepressant. His Dad’s view is also that the violence is my fault, he often asks me why do I let DS do it to me.
We do have a SW thankfully, from the children’s disability team, and he’s very supportive (but spot on about the placating). He’s coming to see us tomorrow so somehow I need to find the right words to tell him all this.
Maybe my son needs to go and live with his Dad for a bit, maybe if he experiences the reality of the situation it might help, and I can recover myself a bit. I think I’m terrified he won’t give him back eventually though, or let me see him.
Thanks again for all your input, it’s helping clarify things for me.

Hi, I'm in a similar scenario. If you want to drop send me a PM .

Just wanted to update, my son is going to live with his Dad for a month so I can get some respite. Fully supported by the SW.
Thank goodness!

I’m sorry you’re also in this situation, there’s a couple of fb groups I’ve found supportive; Newbold Hope, and Not fine in School.
sending sympathy, it’s so absolutely tough isn’t it x

good news, please have a rest and make sure there’s a plan for more support at the end of the month so you don’t find yourself in the same situation in a few months time.

best wishes

This is good news. If dad can see the reality of the situation, he might understand more of what you are having to cope with and that it isn't your fault. Then he might agree to medication. Fingers crossed.

Really good news. Hope you get some very well deserved downtime.

Good news OP, have a good rest. Wishing you well.