Health anxiety over myself and children- a cry for help

[miniworry]

I'm at rock bottom and can't deal with my health anxiety anymore l, it's honestly taking over my life and stopping me enjoying my two gorgeous children. I need help and I don't know where best to turn-

I'm so petrified of losing them that I think any small thing that is wrong with them is cancer and they are going to die, or that I have cancer and I will leave them. I found a movable lump on my DSs clavicle last night and that cold fear drained over me. I obsessively googled all night last night, convinced myself he had lymphoma and I still haven't really eaten. Even after taking him to the doctor today (who said it appears a harmless cyst) I felt fine for 10 minutes now I'm worrying if he was wrong.

Part of my rational brain knows it's health anxiety but then I say to myself don't ignore it; this time it isn't. And so the cycle continues I'm on 50mg sertraline but it's obviously not helping.

I know it stemmed from my DS (now 11 months) developing meningitis at 4 weeks old - all he had was a temperature and then boom all hell broke loose. I'll never forgot that feeling of pure helplessness and I know I haven't processed it.

My brain tells me that if I am happy and look forward to things like holidays or birthdays something bad will happen and they won't be here by that point.

I don't really know what I'm asking for here- some advice and maybe a handhold to say this won't be my life forever? I'm broken.

I have no real answers for you but wanted to reply to say your post resonated with me so much. I am crying whilst writing this as I am stuck in the same cycle. Every single word you wrote is exactly how I feel! Particularly the not enjoying looking forward to things as thinking you might not be here at that point. I did go on to sertraline 50mg for a year and I think it helped, but I felt so numb and eventually came off it.

If you ever want to chat, just DM me x

Oh @londonbanana I am so so sorry that you also feel the same way, I really wouldn't wish this on anyone, it's horrendous! Thank you so much for reaching out x

I have terrible relentless health anxiety at the moment, I'm just beginning to get on top of it. I'm literally frozen with fear when it hits, can't eat, can't sleep, obsessively worrying and checking my body.
However I know it comes in cycles and I know that taking fluoxetine again will get it under control.
With me it was worrying about my husbands health scare that kicked it off.
I think you'll find that you'll be able to get it under control again. A combination of medication, seeing friends, getting out in the fresh air etc will help to get you out of the cycle. You can't physically sustain that level of fear for long, it's totally exhausting.
I sincerely hope you can get on top of it quickly, good luck.

My brain tells me that if I am happy and look forward to things like holidays or birthdays something bad will happen and they won't be here by that point.

This is your mind 'fortune telling', except it isn't because it can't (no one can).

The Latin phrase is Post Hoc Ergo Propter Hoc - ‘After this, therefore because of this.’ For example, when we hear a cockerel crow and the sun rises, we assume it's the cockerel making the sun come up. So you find a cyst, or a spot and you assume it must be something bad, and that belief is so strong it overrides the advice of a medical professional.

You're not broken, and this can be fixed - especially as you know exactly when, how and why it started.

The thing is what is causing you anxiety is your own thoughts. So you need to change what you think about. There are lots of possibilities in life, not every single scenario will happen in your life. That would be impossible. But why don’t you try to imagine nice things happening? These things are just as much a possibility as the less pleasant things. Even the less pleasant things are usually only actually unpleasant for short moments in time and to reduce the unpleasantness you just need to not think about them beforehand and forget them as soon as they are over.

There is no rule in life which says you must try to diagnose illnesses and make every moment a medical examination. Stop looking for a while. Stop attempting to symptom spot. I have to take this advice myself as I have actually had cancer. In order to find balance I only allow myself to self check periodically and have short breaks of a week or so if I find the anxiety creeping in. After all that is what screening exists for.

But anyway see if you can just stop thinking about future possibilities for bouts of time. Read, watch tv, exercise, cook. Engage with others and the stuff they are interested in. Do stuff which you can be absorbed in and which will take you out of your own thoughts.

The trouble is @eyestosee my brain tells me that 'if' I think about nice things then it means bad things will happen because I'm looking forward to stuff and I shouldn't do that. I guess there's an element of OCD in that somewhere and writing it down it sounds so silly, but that's my brain at the moment 😞

@miniworry,

The trouble is @eyestosee my brain tells me that 'if' I think about nice things then it means bad things will happen because I'm looking forward to stuff and I shouldn't do that.

But the opposite is actually true. Because you'll be in a position to notice and take advantage of the opportunity available. Can you tell yourself this?

Put your theory to the test.

Write down (or post) the last 5 times you thought about nice things and bad things then happened.

@miniworry and following your current logic do you think that dwelling upon and dreading bad things happening is actually stopping them from happening?

There's treatment for health anxiety. I had it and it worked. Get referred.....it will change your life x

@miniworry if not, then why not just stop yourself the heart ache and stop thinking about them? If thinking about good things is too much at the moment, what about neutral or more everyday things? How to organise your house, what food to cook etc

My best friends mother was like this and it's ruined my friends life really. She was constantly going to the doctors as a child with an actual list of ailments. She grew up thinking that was always something wrong with her.

She thought it was normal until she went to university and realised that other people were not going to the doctors all of the time. With a list of ten things. And that they didn't take paracetamol every day.

When she was pregnant she was an absolute mess because she just seems to assume that they were both going to to die. And her mother was in the background telling her all the things that were probably wrong with her and the baby.

When her dc were little she used to text me to say things like 'Susan has sneezed twice, should I take her to the doctors?' because she had no frame of reference as to what is normal but she didn't want her dc to end up like she has.

Have PM’d you. But I echo what everyone else says. And I definitely think there is an element of intrusive thoughts / OCD there which I suffered from myself so fully sympathise.

Thank you so much everyone for your tips. I do think there's an element on intrusive thoughts and ocd there too- I just feel such a mess I don't even know where to begin!

@miniworry, you've got a choice. You can consider yourself as having a mental health condition and seek the appropriate treatment or you can give yourself permission to dismiss these intrusive thoughts as erroneous and move on from them and start concentrating on other activities. We all have erroneous thoughts, they only become intrusive when we focus on them and are unable to move on.

How able you are to shift your focus is pertinent in this. There are things which can help. Exercise as it helps the body process stress hormones and give you another focus. Good nutrition and sleep also work in a similar way. Being outside and enjoying the people and things around you also help.

I cannot tell you which course of action is the most appropriate for you. I do think our society, at the moment, bombards us with so many details of disease for the sake of giving us 'awareness' that there is a danger that people spend too much time in self examination and catastrophising over what life would be like with a particular disease. This has become all too common. Unfortunately some people think motivating by fear is the most effective way to motivate. However this assumes the majority of health problems are due to people flagrantly ignoring advice when actually I think many health problems are often based in fear and people feeling overwhelmed. Adding more fear into the mix does not help. Incidentally my favourite NHS advert was the one about everyone about getting active and my next favourite one was one which said that whatever problem have you could come to them and they would talk about a course of action with you so the focus was reassuring.

I don’t know if it helps but these are notes I made

Monkey brain happens when the mind is not in the present.
The monkey brain concentrates on negativity but you access it much less when you are active. It doesn’t matter what activity, just that you are in the present

Happiness did not provide survival for humans. If you didn’t hear the minuscule whisper about the possibility of a threat you could have been eaten by a tiger? The gene pool survived because people worried.

might this help you? Can you try and concentrate on a present activity when you feel that way?

This sounds really tough. I would ask the gp for a referral to community mental health team or for iapt therapy.
Also 50mg sertraline is a starter dose, it frustrating to me how many people are left on this with no review. Work with GP to work up gradually to a therapeutic level for you ❤️

@CharityShopMensGlasses I don't really feel like the sertraline is doing much so I think you're right about going back to the GP- I really don't want to just feel totally emotionally disconnected so guess that's my worry about upping the medication.

I had also used the iapt a couple of months ago but the therapist they assigned me to was so hard to understand (the cbt was over the phone) that I didn't feel I was getting anywhere- possibly need to look at gojng privately for something in person?

I've been sat here all afternoon convinced that the GP was wrong about my DS lump on his clavicle simply being 'a cyst' and that it's something more (I googled lymphoma in my panic last week and read about coughing and itching and I'm fixating on the fact he has both of those) how do I stop myself thinking the gp was wrong and that my 'mums gut feeling' is just the anxiety talking? Or is this actually my gut feeling?

Hi op please talk to your gp about your medication. They may recommend you try a higher dose and you could try this but keep a keen eye on how you feel on it and if there are negatives to it (numbing etc) then go back to them and try something else. For me sertraline was not helpful so I tried fluxotine, helped a little then with advice of gp increased dose and this in combination with help of clinical psychologist is what has helped me. Any help I tried before medication had a superficial effect at most. Good luck x

@miniworry I have known people only be prescribed meds for a short period of time to get them through a crisis. So this might be the way upping a dose works for you or finding different meds. When you are in a better place then you might be able to make some lifestyle adjustments (rest, exercise, nutrition) so you have less brain space to dwell on health anxieties and can process your thoughts more effectively.

With regards to cysts/lymphoma doctors are trained to be able to detect what a swollen/defective lymph node feels like. They look at the whole pattern of disease. Many superficial symptoms are symptoms of a whole range of health issues. Have you never had an itchy pimple? Insect bite? Allergic dermatitis? Hives? All can cause swelling and itching.

Hi OP. Recently had a health scare with my youngest so I know what you mean.

What helps me is to tell myself worst case scenario and my fears are founded, to just love and cuddle them as much as possible while I still can. That's the only bit I can control.

I feel for you, OP. I have this too, though not as bad as yours. Mine is likely somewhat triggered by tiktok as it keeps showing me stories of people and children with cancer, which I then click on until I find other videos where they explain symptoms so I can be aware...which leads to tiktok's algorithm showing me more of these videos.

I did talking therapies a few years ago and it didn't help. My therapist actually told me that stressing out about illness was bad for my health and it would make it more likely for me to get cancer. Obviously didn't have any training on health anxiety.

I find it is a lot worse in January and February, maybe because we become vitamin D deficient.

I have found distractions are the best way to deal with it. Doing a sport, having a project to fulfill, planning an event. If you're completely focused on a task, your brain doesn't have time to be freaking out. All the best.

OP you have my sympathies because I know exactly how you feel. I'm currently lost in health anxiety and spent the whole weekend in a state of dread and sadness.

I don't know if you feel this, but for me it's like falling down a hole. I'll find something to worry about and spend weeks teetering on the edge of the hole, being worried but getting on with life and trying to be rational. At some point, some new symptom will emerge and I'll fall into the hole, which usually takes the form of a crying breakdown or panic attack. Once I'm in the hole it's very difficult to climb out, and the hole is a very dark place to be. I spend all my time consumed by dread, obsessively checking and waiting for whatever appointment will confirm either I'm dying or fine. The idea of climbing out of the hole terrifies me, because it's easier and less painful to sit in the pit of misery than it is to climb out, feel joy again and then fall back in.

We have to try and climb out of the hole. Force yourself to go or and do things. Force yourself to talk to people, to friends. Getting out of your headspace will give you perspective on your fears and allow you to think about them more rationally. ❤️

@Rosecat22 wow this resonates with me so much with the analogy of the hole. I can pinpoint exactly when I feel into it too, it was Thursday night when I found that lump whilst bathing my little one and hopped straight onto google. I had to go and stand outside for some air because I just wanted to run. I'm in the pit of the hole right now for sure and it feels impossible to climb out of. You're exactly right I have minutes rational thinking but then that voice comes back that says, but something is wrong.

Sending you all my love as it's honestly the most awful thing to go through xx

You can and will get through this lovely, we both will. The climb out of the hole can be slow and arduous but even taking little steps can get us there. Even talking about it today and admitting it to myself has helped me focus a bit. I thought to myself earlier "jesus christ, even if this new illness is the worst thing it can be, is this the person I want to be if I am actually ill? This miserable wreck who is barely even existing, let alone living their life?"

I don't think I want to be that person. When your brain lets you be rational, don't be afraid to listen to it. I know what you're thinking when that happens. "If I'm not terrified all the time and thinking the worst, then maybe I'll miss some symptom, or maybe I won't push for an appointment which saves my kids life", right? Like, letting go of the fear is bad, because the fear is somehow going to keep yourself or your loved ones alive? That's our dumbass monkey brains running on old programming back from when we lived shorter more brutal lives.

You can still keep an eye on your kids, and you're allowed to be worried, or to take them to the doctors. But give yourself some grace and allow yourself to feel relief, joy and comfort. Allow yourself the breathing space to think rationally. Can you speak to your partner about your worries and how you feel?