Possible borderlinepdisorder in boyfriend - not sure how to proceed

[Chocolatefreak]

I've been seeing someone for seven months. 75% of the time he's amazing - thoughtful, loving, kind. But the remaining 25% is bewildering. A small incident - always that I'm somehow not empathetic/caring enough - will trigger him. When I try to explain, the situation escalates until he is in total meltdown. He's never violent, but threatens me with non-monogamy and/or breaks up with me each time. In seven months he's dumped me five times. Each time he apologises and we make up. He is convinced his ex-wife had bpd and he had to 'look after' her. I just checked the symptoms and alarmingly, this seems to describe him. Could he be projecting? I don't want to suggest this to him- he has described bpd as almost incurable. He is going to see a therapist, but is there anything I can or should do to help?

If he is treating you this poorly after only 7 months then my advice would be to get out now. It will only get worse not better so don’t waste your life trying to fix him.

Get rid, sorry, you've only been seeing him 7 months, its not worth it, its not your job to "fix" him and I'd only really advise people who have been together a long time to try and work through this kind of thing.
DS previous gf dumped him 3 times in 6 months, emotional vampire, I was pleased when she dumped him a final time and moved on (to the next unlucky bloke).

Your call your life.
Options:
1.You can carry on your relationship and encourage him to do therapy and see how his behaviour goes.
2.You can leave next time he has a tantrum and calls it off.
3.You can end a relationship when ever you want for what ever reason you want.

Think on it this way 20 years =15 good years, 5 crap years, by your admission it's good 75% of the time.

Could he be projecting? Every possibility yes.

Personally Yo-yo relationships like this should end by teenage years. It's over shouldn't be a throw away comment, as it appears to have been. 5 break ups in 7 months 🤔

It all depends on your boundaries and what you feel is acceptable and how much you want to help.

Be very, very cautious about someone who claims to have a crazy ex, it's a very common red flag.

His behaviour could well be down to mental health issues but it is also exactly the same behaviour that abusers use.

Every one of these events has been 'your' fault, according to him. You might well not even understand whatever it is he says has triggered him.

Each time you make up after he has finished with you, he thinks less of you. And the less he thinks of you the more he will punish you. You might not realise it just now but your self esteem will be lowering too.

That 75% of nice him will lessen and the scales will tip the other way, his behaviour will bewilder you more and more and you will alter your behaviour to try and get the nice him back. That type of behaviour is meant to confuse you, have you doubting yourself, trying anything to please him.

You cannot fix him, no matter what is causing his behaviour. Women's Aid are a great support, please consider contacting them

Leave him. It won’t get better.

BPD can present very differently and some presentations can be destructive and damaging to those around them if not treated.

He sounds like that.

Run. His behaviour is not ok - he has dumped you five times in 7 months ?! It’s practically a monthly occurrence.

‘In seven months he's dumped me five times.’

What about ‘ three strikes and you’re out’ ? He’s already had two extra.

Hmmm yes, I guess you're all absolutely right! I know being dumped that many times is very far from ok. I was more wanting to have some insights perhaps from someone with bdp or who's lived with someone with bdp, to find out whether this is typical, if it indicates a particularly bad spell, and whether anything I can suggest might have a positive effect on his upcoming therapy?

Also be aware that he may well be a very good liar, be very believable in what he tells you.

You cannot fix him.

Please protect yourself

You are not his mother. It is good if he is getting therapy but leave him to it and look after yourself.

I would say leave now while you can. I know someone who has recently been diagnosed with BPD so they haven't been treated for it before but over the last 5 years their "bad" spells became more and more frequent and more extreme.
I believe they're being treated now but it's too soon for me to tell if it's helping.

The first time he dumped you, you should have walked away.

I have no idea why you are putting up with any of his shit. Leave now, raise your standards, never allow anyone to treat you like that.

I think you might be dating my ex husband OP. Good luck if so.

You've only been together seven months!! This is still your honeymoon period. You should be on your best behaviour.

But he is showing you who he is.

Dump him, block him, and run.

Honestly, relationships are not supposed to be this much hard work. They're really not.

Kindly OP, you need to work on your self-respect. It's not your job to fix him. He's dumped you 5 times in 7 months? No wonder you're bewildered! That's ridiculous! Whatever is going on with this guy is extremely complex and if you're asking for tips on a chat board, I really think you need to walk away for your own self-preservation.

My ex had BPD and I'm lucky to have got out alive. In the end he tried to kill me.

There's a BPDlovedones subreddit which gives a good overview

As I've said before on other posts "for fuck sake....life's too short....the rest is up to you "
In other words walk away and don't look back
Easier said than done I know
Big hugs but please move on

I'm assuming you don't live together.Definitely Don't move in with him, next time he has a meltdown get up and leave, a tantrum needs an audience, don't give him one.

I have family and friends with BPD. Do not take this on OP.

Help yourself and leave. Please. I was with one of these for 1.5 years. Am sure not everyone with BPD is as you described, but mine was and I'm so glad I left.

In seven months he's dumped me five times

I had this. 3 times I got dumped and I’m still ashamed I put up with that even more than once.

you know this isn’t right @Chocolatefreak , you MUST end this. FOR YOURSELF.

you can’t help him. Only he can help himself but fundamentally he has a condition that’s not a choice he makes.

you don’t have to live like this, he will destroy you. You’ll never be able to live together because you could be homeless at any time, you won’t ever be able to trust him again

it’s only 7 months, you owe him nothing and trust me - this will only get worse. That 75% will vanish and then what?

cut your losses

You should have dumped him the first time he behaved like an arsehole. Get rid of him. He isn't worth your time.

So over 40 years - at least 10 more like 30 years will be total and utter misery - why is your bar so low??

He could try and see a psychiatrist and maybe get diagnosed. But there's no cure or medicine that stops it from affecting the person's behaviour. It does not give them carte blanche to be abusive. My DH is diagnosed with it and can have very dark moods. It's impossible to argue with him in that state so I just withdraw until he's calm again. But if he were to act abusive I'd be kicking him out the door. As no illness is an excuse for that.

Stop trying to fix him. He needs to have therapy on his own, and be on his own until he can stop being abusive to his partners.