Am I bad person by making my partner chose between weed and drink over me and his son!

[Michah89]

Right me and my partner been together 2years and it's been bumpy ride. We lost our daughter October 2023 and then had our son 31st December 2024 but he smokes weed and drinks alot and when he mixes them together he's abusive not violent just says nasty things. Our son is only 4weeks old I do everything night feed nappies and bath time , and he works so I don't expect him to help with night feeds but he smokes that much weed that when he wakes up he don't remember what he's done and when I tell him he says sorry babe but now I've told him sorry ain't good enough anymore so I said you need to chose us or weed and alcohol because our son deserves alot more than a drunk as a dad. I am insecure since being with him that's cos one min he wants me and next he wants rid of me and his son. I am so down and don't know what to do. But I think I might have to leave him cos as he says he's not going to change so that says everything 😭

You need to leave him, but are hormonal and your body is just settling itself after birth, plus you probably feel vulnerable with this new responsibility and no one to share it with. Make your plans to go in a few months. Can you confide in your HV although they may refer DH to social services.
Is there family you can go to? Poor baby lungs in a house with weed, it’s no life OP.
Congratulations on the birth of your baby

You most definitely need to get rid of this man. I’m sorry you find yourself in this situation but you have to act. You don’t want your child growing up with someone like that.

How you possibly even consider you are a bad person is beyond me. Get this abusive, druggy loser away from your child asap.

A weed puffing drunk..not exactly father of the year material..ditch him op.

OP, when you wrote the question in the title of your post, were you hoping for support in kicking him to the kerb?

Or did you really think there was a chance you were being a “bad person”?

Absolutely leave him op. Wait until he's out of the house and talk honestly to your health visitor and say you want to leave but you need support and help to do it and ring womens aid.

You've asked him to step up and he's refused. He's already checked out so all you can do now is act accordingly and carve out a much better life for yourself and your son.

If social services get involved op welcome it and be totally truthful with them. If he seeks any contact you need them to know about his drug and alcohol problem so they can intervene. As long as you leave they will see you as a protective parent.

He makes me feel like I'm in the wrong all the time, I've lost all my confidence since been with him. He literally makes me cry on daily basic. I am leaving and I don't have any family as was brought up in care. I've told him if you can't change for your son you never will and he just says leave me then. We are suppose to go and register baby tomorrow so I don't know if want him on birth certificate 🤔

I don't allow him to smoke it in house but it's not the point he still smells of it. All he says he's smoked it since 14 so he can't just come off it.

I'm deffo leaving

Your kids will grow up in care too if you don't get away from him.

I gave my husband this ultimatum.

It's been 2 years and he quit weed, alcohol and cigarettes.

Our lives are completely different and so is he. He was always a good person, just addicted and now he can be the best of himself.

People can overcome it if they want to.

Sorry just read this, how sad.
If he's making you feel this way I would just go :(

No, he is being unreasonable for not putting his son first. Your DS can’t be in the house with him smoking weed and drinking like this, it’s not safe and it’s not a good environment for your son to grow up in. Please get some help and leave.

You have to leave, he could harm your baby.

I'm so sorry that you are going through this. I had exactly the same, one child, a newborn and an alcoholic husband who wanted to begin smoking weed again.

At first, I felt I needed him for the parts he could give but as time went on, the abuse wasn't just towards me. As the children grew older, he transferred it to them too, with disastrous results for them. I always regret not leaving sooner.

It chills me to think that your partner effectively sedate himself to blackout every night. Minded the same and it didn't really matter all that much until he began sleepwalking with no knowledge of what he was doing at the time or recollection after. When he went into the baby's bedroom in the middle of the night and began doing strange and dangerous things in there (furniture removals type thing), I knew it was time to call the shots. For awhile he stopped but his behaviour was terrible as a punishment to all of us and he only restarted later down the road because he didn't seek help. He didn't want to stop on the problem with an addict is, only they can stop. They don't do it for anybody else, only for themselves. They might do it for themselves because they don't want to lose other people, but they never do it because somebody has asked of them. Not properly anyway. They might try and stop for a few months at a time, but that's it.

It's such terrible timing for you, a month after giving birth when you are probably at your most vulnerable and extremely tired. I sincerely wish you all the best in your recovery. Keep your babies close to you and pull together and you will be alright. They only need one ‘good enough’ parent and you are certainly that for them..

I have tried

He's started to sleep walking last night I was up feeding little man he went downstairs made food then slept on couch 🙄 then Wen I told him this morning he don't remember it at all 😲 he says he loves us both but to me this isn't love. He's great Wen he's sober but that's not very often maybe Wen he first thing on morning and when he gets home after work. I also have epilepsy it's well controlled but my meds hadn't been work 2weeks after giving birth I kept having twitches not seizure just twitches and I said I needed his help but still didn't help with night feeds and Wen I did ask for help he wud make me feel bad for asking him for help.

Well he's started again calling me fat ugly this time, I can't take this no more month after given birth 😭 he's made sure I have no one

Oh he's a fucking cunt OP.

Then find on his phone sending 2 kisses on txt to his tattoo artist now 🥺

Your poor kids. Seriously, sort your life out.

Going by the post's,I think op needs professional help in putting that together thus enabling her and the kids to get away from the pathetic fuckwit.

Please speak to women's aid and get help to leave on both a practical and emotional level.

Your job as a mother is to protect your son. If his father is an addict, that means you get your son out of that home.

you still have time to get him out without him having any real psychological damage from this. You don’t have to jump out the door in the next hour, but you need to make a plan and leave.

don’t tell him you are leaving him.

verbal abuse often escalates to physical violence

some people will say that dad might get custody time. Yes he might, though many addicts don’t bother. At least your son will have time in a home where his fight or flight reflex is not always on. His brain will have a chance to form healthy neurological patterns instead of living in constant fear. He will have a home where healthy habits and relationships are modeled.

I don't disagree. Otherwise she'll have another child taken away from her. I remember her previous posts.