Partner so avoidant around preganancy

[WildTealSeal]

We had been trying for some time, amd now we are pregnant.
I'm getting stressed and worried because my partner just seems so avoidant about anything to do with the pregnancy, he doesn't want to talk to the baby, doesn't hold my tummy, or not really interested in learning about pregnancy
Is this normal for a first time dad?
I thought he would be way more excited but isn't
And I'm finding we are less close than before and he seems frustrated and annoyed at the tiniest of things.

Would love your thoughts. Thanks

Are you worried that he could be having second thoughts about bring ready for a baby? How old are you both and how long have you been together?

How far on are you? Pregnancy is a bit of an abstract concept to the man until you start to show

How is he expressing his frustration and annoyance? It does sound like he's having 2nd thoughts about the relationship. What has he said about it when you being it up?

We're 34 and have been together 10 years, I don't know about second thoughts but definitely showing a lot of avoidant signs and thinking any time I'm realy tired or having symptoms that I'm exaggerating

I think he can't cope with being there for me the way I need, he thinks I'm over exaggerating my symptoms, he also just gets annoyed at the tiniest of things, I mean do men also go through hormonal changes?

About 8 weeks now, it concerns me because if he's like this now what will happen closer to birth, yesterday he ridiculed my idea on starting to look at hypnobirthing

What ways are you expecting him to help you? Maybe it's to much right now, at 8 weeks you should be managing fine unless you're having medical problems?

doesn't want to talk to the baby, doesn't hold my tummy

I wouldn't do these things either.

How far along are you?
Does he engage in planning?

I think you've gotten ahead of yourself.
When did you even find out?
Sounds like you've come in pretty hard

Also talk to the baby? It doesn't even have ears.

Hold your belly? It's not even out of your pelvis. It's a dot.

Yes, this.

Do you think there's a chance he feels you're being a bit dramatic?

I'm not saying you are (I have no idea) but could he be feeling this?

If you keep being needy then he will probably withdraw even more. You are only 8 weeks, get a grip you will end up driving him away.

Also, 'we' aren't pregnant - you are.

I know it's only words, but it's important to remember this.

No men do not go through hormonal changes when their partner is pregnant. They may show their twattiness more though.

"doesn't want to talk to the baby, doesn't hold my tummy"

No wonder at 8 weeks you're being pretty full on. I wouldn't want someone doing that to me let alone so early on. You've got another 32 weeks of this.

My DH never talked to baby when pregnant or held tummy maybe only when baby started kicking. Had 3 pregnancies.

Gently you are only 8 weeks pregnant. I think you are expecting too much from him at this point. You are at risk of driving him away to be honest.

Perhaps he's being cautious because it's such early days yet?

Re the talking to your belly... your baby doesn't even have ears yet and as PP has said, hasn't even left your pelvis. Who or what would he be talking to at this stage?

Outside of feeling the odd kick, I wouldn't have wanted my partner holding my belly or talking into it. He's the most loving and involved father ever and is no less so because he didn't do those things.

It sounds a bit like you had some Disney romcom idea of what pregnancy should be like and it isn't really like that for most people.

Chill, let him enjoy the time in his own way.

My DH is really involved with our 2 DC. I don't think he talked to the baby when in my tummy at all (I don't think I did either for that matter) and definitely not before 8 weeks. Touching my tummy was only a couple of times once it started kicking. But he did come and check on me when I was throwing up, and was supportive by making sure we had foods I could eat and taking more than his fair share of chores (especially in 2nd pregnancy as had a toddler to care for).

He also wasn't as interested in learning about pregnancy (not sure what they're is to learn) but he was interested in caring about me (I had bad morning sickness and also foods I couldn't eat due to pregnancy and later gestational diabetes). He was also engaged in buying things for the baby but that is much much after 8 weeks. It would be helpful to understand what elae he ia doing to be avoidant

At 8 weeks I don't think either of us were talking to the baby or holding my stomach. My husband was quite excited and interested in everything. He was probably also quite nervous about everything too. Have you spoken to your husband about how he feels? Maybe he is just terrified of it all or worried about everything changing. Hope you too can resolve it and get the support from him you need. Things may start seeming more real further into the pregnancy when your body starts looking different.

Ahh sorry I was getting the impression earlier you were much further along. Congratulations.
I think holding your tummy and talking to the baby at this stage is too much. You can if you like to, but don't be pushing him to. My dp didn't really talk to my bump through both my pregs right the way through, and he only touched it if i showed him where baby was kicking or sticking out towards the end.
Tbh my partner didn't learn anything about pregnancy or birth, over the years he's learnt stuff as it came up but he wouldn't go out of his way to read or watch a video. There were no antenatal classes when I had my first as it was lockdown so I learnt everything by myself off the Internet.
It may be better to focus more on the practical side of things for him and explain ways he can be helpful. Eg when it comes to labour and birth him having your snacks and drinks handy etc. If he isn't into the hypnobirthing don't force him. I read loads of hypnobirthing books, didn't involve dp, tbh I preferred to go right into myself and do my meditations in the bath. We'd have cringed so hard and died laughing if we'd have read out the scripts in the back of one of the books. And all that soft stroking i wouldn't have wanted that either- with birth 1 I gripped his shoulder so hard he thought i was going to dislocate it 😂.
In terms of early symptoms yes the nausea and fatigue can be really hard, at this stage he can't see anything so it can be hard for him to empathise.
It's OK for him to be irritated as long as he isn't conveying it in an aggressive manner. The odd huff and eye roll fair enough, but not shouting or slamming things.
In terms of all the pregnancy excitement and learning if he isn't so full on (which is really common!) Then you have MN and other online groups, and hopefully have some real life people you can talk all things pregnancy and baby?
I literally watched hours and hours of youtube with my first pregnancy!
Oh and get ALL the books from the library. You won't have much time for reading when baby comes so read them all now!
One last thing- take any and all advice with a grain of salt- you do what works for you and your body (and your baby!)

He could also be secretly worried about bonding too soon, given you're only 8 weeks gone.

Another one who never talked to the baby or held my bump. My partner never did either but absolutely dotes on our two children, he is a fantastic dad. I think it’s very abstract for men until the baby is born. I had a very easy first trimester so I couldn't tell i was pregnant, forget anyone else.

Give him time, I’m sure he will be a great dad. Scans help some men I think, as then they can see the baby. And when the baby starts kicking. But as I said my partner didn’t get excited really until my son was born and he couldn’t be a better daddy so don’t write him off just because he isn’t excited now.

I don't recall my husband talking to our son, when I was only 8 weeks pregnant and neither did he cradle a non-existent bump. You are way way ahead of yourself. At 8 weeks, I wouldn't be expecting my partner to be wanting to do those things, let alone doing them. You are coming across as rather dramatic, and perhaps that's the vibe your partner is feeling. Reign yourself in a little. You have another 32 weeks to go yet!! Once a bump starts to show, my husband was much more keen to be involved - something physical to see makes it all seem much more real to a man. Us ladies are the ones who are pregnant, so we're the ones experiencing all the physical changes, so we connect to the pregnancy straight away (we don't have much choice!) but for men it's different. Give your partner a chance to get used to the pregnancy, and stop wanting him to do things that are way ahead!

He didn’t get pregnant you did. There is no ‘we’ in pregnancy.

Yes...id never heard a lady say "we gave birth" 😂 by that point you really do realise it isn't a "we" situation!