Post PND but left with lack of self esteem and confidence....think people are starting to take advantage now..how to stop it?

[PussinJimmyChoos]

Had PND after the birth of DS. Have been on 20mg Citalopram for over a year and really feel that I've come through it and am so much better. However, my self confidence has taken a serious knocking (weight issues not helping) and I think its affecting how people treat me and I want to change that.

For example, saw SIL last week and was talking to her about my weight. I asked her jokingly oh does bil think I eat too much? She said he did so I laughed and said oooh, what did he say? She rather condescendingly replied oh I really don't have the time or the inclination to remember a conversation we have had about you and your food, quite frankly I don't want to waste the brain power and I was just as I thought that was a totally uncalled for comment and its not the first time its happened. I came back from holiday with a fake ring and cheerfully showed it to her to which she replied oh it looks like a £3.99 piece from Accessorize - absolutely no need for comments like that.

I spoke to DH about it and he said I kind of set myself up for comments like that because I'm conscious of my weight etc and so because I mention it, people feel they can make comments.

Its not just the weight issue though, I went to see MIL a few weeks ago and she came into the guest room and started moaning about the state of DH's (not mine!!) suitcase and saying how I should pack neatly and she started to take everything out and refold it...I was like what gives you the f'ing right to think you can do that? Then I had his family on at me about why I wanted to put DS in a car seat for every journey (they don't use them in their country) and why I was so stressed about DS being on their balconies and instead of showing solidarity with me over obvious safety issues, I then had to contend with DH saying oh a small journey without a car seat won't hurt or whats the big deal about a balcony

So, if you've got this far without falling asleep, why the hell am I getting walked over like this????!!!!

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Hello, I shouldn't be on as DD is still up but just wanted to say hi and hope you feel better soon xxx

Aww thanks for that

Your SIL sounds like a real bitch Has she always spoken to you like that or is it just post pnd?

Soz, typo there - was my sis not my sil. The thing is, she is very lovely in lots of other ways and was fab during the PND period so I can't understand comments like this out of the blue now. Maybe I do go on about my weight too much and its pissed her off - I don't know. What I do know though, is its all down to a self confidence issue. I let comments like this slide and then I get all stressed and find myself analysing what I'm talking about to just make sure I'm not going on or that I'm being interesting....iyswim?

When I had counselling years ago for various issues I was told to ask people for clarification at the time when they had hurt/upset/confused me, rather than trying to guess what they had meant/why they did it a few hours later. It's not easy the first few times but after that it does get easier and people get used to thinking a bit harder before they speak.

So for instance if your sister said that about your weight/food you could say "Do you mean that I have been talking too much about my weight recently?", rather than dwelling on it later when you don't really know what she meant.

Do you think you set yourself up for hurtful comments?

I think that comment wasn't justified as she could have easily said oh, I can't quite remember but.... rather than go on about time/inclination etc and like DH said, it was rude.

However, I think I do set myself up for comments like that by jokingly being self critcal about myself. I do go on about my weight a lot but for me it feels like a self preservation thing i.e if I mention it first, then its out there and people know I'm aware of it. The reality is probably that people aren't even thinking anything of my weight, its my self consciousness that's doing it iyswim?

Oh no I don't think it was justified either but it might help if you got it out in the open rather than talking about it with your DH IYSWIM?

I don't think you're the only person to talk about their weight in case someone mentions it first, there must be loads of people who do it. I do it all the time. I try not to make negative comments about myself if I can though, as it does seem to give people carte blanche to join in.

Have you had any counselling to go with your ADs? Maybe you could do with some to help you regain some of your confidence. Or if you don't think it's that serious then there are some quite good self help books.

You always come across as a nice person

Aww thank you

I think perhaps I can be too nice in rl - am too afraid of hurting people's feelings etc and it just means, sadly, that you get walked over and I think it can create a vicious circle of being the victim and then subconsciously behaving in a way that invites people to treat you as a victim....does that make sense?

I did think about asking for counselling tbh but it would be good to talk to someone detached from things but I always felt it wasn't a good enough reason to see a counsellor iyswim?

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Poor Puss That's not good.

Do you like reading? Are you interested in self help books?

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Oh no one ever thinks they deserve to see a counsellor It's probably one of the signs that you do! If you can get a few sessions it can be really useful.

I know just what you mean about behaving in ways that make people treat you a certain way. It is especially hard to change that with people you have known for a long time, like your sister. But you can change your behaviour and they can change too.

Winestein - I love reading and I am partial to the odd self help book

Pitch - yes, IL's are M.Eastern but I did say to DH before I agreed to go this time please back me up with the car seat/balcony issue even if you think I'm being daft as I can't face having to fight my corner over it - just humour me and he agreed so when he backed down and started nagging me - I did feel pretty let down and its a very important topic so its not as if I'm being too pfb with DS iyswim? I have to humour them with small cultural things like taking shoes off the minute I get in the door etc so I was just in a let me get on with doing what's best for my son frame of mind!

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Righty ho then my lovely - there will be a book winging it's way in the post to you

Awww Weinstein.....that is so sweet of you!! I'm very very touched.... Isn't mnet just fab??

Btw - the shade a bub got lots of impressed stares when we were in the M.East!! Mind you, it may have also been 'mad english lady going to the park in this heat' type of stare but....

I've just googled car seat safety stats and e-mailed them to my bil....he made comments along the lines of 'ds is safer when held in your lap' and 'have more faith'....I will call this step one in starting to stick up for myself while at the same time hoping it doesn't cause a row.....!!! lol

I loved the shade-a-bub

Be warned, some books hit the spot, and some don't. This one did with me

I'm intrigued now! What is it called? It will be good if it hits the spot...I'm too tired for sex so even a literary hitting the spot would be welcome!!!

Oh darn and blast it - I have sealed it in the envelope now (I am assuming you haven't moved!)
I have just had an (unusual!) memory surge though.... It's by David Fontana and is called Know Who You Are Be Who You Want To Be.

i am currently having group therapy for low self-esteem,and alot of what you are saying ie about analysing things you have said,putting yourself dow etc are very typical of low self-esteem.of course feeling better about yourself wont stop people making bitchy comments but it will stop you being bothered or not standing up for yourself.

dont know what book you are going to be sent,but the therapist who is running my group is actually following a book based on cognitive behavioural techniques(i actually got the same book a year before but i gave up on it halfway through).

you know you are right about the carseat,why isnt your dh backing you up??

i am currently having group therapy for low self-esteem,and alot of what you are saying ie about analysing things you have said,putting yourself dow etc are very typical of low self-esteem.of course feeling better about yourself wont stop people making bitchy comments but it will stop you being bothered or not standing up for yourself.

dont know what book you are going to be sent,but the therapist who is running my group is actually following a book based on cognitive behavioural techniques(i actually got the same book a year before but i gave up on it halfway through).

you know you are right about the carseat,why isnt your dh backing you up??

sorry about that,my internets been playing funny buggers all evening

Wienstein - I love receiving post so and we are still in the same place. Swing by if ever you are down our way!

Diva - I know I'm right about the car seat but DH's family were nagging him and moaning and he just can't take the moaning and nagging - he backs down for an easy life and hence I get the 'oh its only one short journey' comments and BIL joked I needed to see a shrink because I was scared of DS on the balconies - they couldn't seem to understand that I'm just not used to balconies as they aren't common here - people have gardens for their kids! I did look at some balconies and think yes thats ok for him to be out on but even then I was mega cautious and wouldn't let anyone pick him up while on the balcony in case he lunged forward or something awful....just basic safety really I think!!

they sound like a bunch of bullies they probably have self-esteem issues of their own.have you explained how you are feeling to your dh?maybe tell him you need him to back you up sometimes as you still feel a bit fragile in those sort of situations?
your balcony concerns sound perfectly reasonable to me.