Fear of death. Therapy not helping.

[FishOnTheTrain]

I have a lovely therapist - she is calm and spiritual and truly a delight.

In last year, I have developed a horrific fear of death. It consumes me. I have not lost anyone in my adult life - I am in my 30s, my grandparents are alive, my parents are and I feel very lucky. My family members are starting to age rapidly though, and my parents are starting to have health issues.

I’ve gone from obsessing over myself dying, to my parents, to my husband (that’s been the worst) and recently, we just got a little puppy. I’m beside myself thinking about her inevitable death one day. I can’t enjoy my time with anyone because I just think about them dying.

My therapist is great but I’m wondering if I’m missing something. Is there anyone else who has had a similar fear, who had success with meds? Or a certain type of therapy?

I just can’t go on like this. I am ruining my life. I should be the happiest I’ve ever been - all I’ve ever wanted is a little puppy but instead I find myself in tears and every night worrying about her death and how I will cope.

Ive no advice sorry but i go through these types of mental states too so im curious what others might have to say. I hope you find some kind of reassurance to enjoy your life.

I have similar thoughts and mine is death OCD. I've not asked for therapy yet but the treatment for OCD is different to normal therapy.

No advice either but I just want to say I go through these moments too where I feel this immense fear of death. I saw my DM pass away in front of me following a 10+ year battle with a very cruel disease and it’s been since then that I developed this scary, hyper-awareness around death being this very real, catastrophically detrimental thing that will catch up to me one day. It’s truly haunting so I’m offering you some solidarity, if nothing else 💐

Exactly that. I also have emetaphobia and that stems from a lack of control. Same with death. I think it’s so scary that it can happen at any time to anyone. And we just don’t know when

I’m so sorry about your mum. Do you have a therapist to talk to?

Thank you for your condolences. I don’t have a therapist because I find the more I talk about it, the more focused I become on it and then the more it controls me, my life and my thoughts so I have decided against talking therapy but I have other outlets like art therapy for instance, that requires less talking and more creativity to express yourself.

Maybe this could be a suggestion for you to try if you find talking therapy mediocre, and with art therapy, you don’t even need to pay someone, you can do it by yourself at home if you feel comfortable with that.

art therapy sounds so lovely. I’ve heard of it, but never looked into it, but going to now. Thank you

Have you tired EFT- (emotional freedom technique) ? It was immensely helpful for me when I had a bout of anxiety. I barely think about it now.
You can find out about it and a practitioner online.

Existentialism therapy can be really useful for persistent thoughts like this. A goal could be to reach a point where you 1. Accept that death is inevitable and 2. Understand that the inevitably of death is what makes your life so precious a gift in the hear and now.

Have you ever read any Irvin Yalom books?Try 'Loves Executioner' and work your way from there.

What happened in the last year to start you thinking about this?

OP, I think you should try medication. I was like this after the birth of my first baby and it nearly destroyed my maternity leave. I eventually told my GP and was put on anti anxiety medication. It really really helped. If therapy is not working, try medication- it can give you the headspace to then try the other techniques mentioned.

I totally understand how consuming the fear of death can be. What helped me was focusing on mindfulness and grounding techniques – embracing the present moment helped me manage those overwhelming thoughts and start enjoying life again. It may take time, but you're not alone in this, and it’s okay to ask for additional help when you need it

I’ve been on 50mg of Sertraline for 3+ years. It’s all I can tolerate. I could try different meds of course, but I am so fragile right now and scared if I rock the boat it’ll end up being really bad.

I got really unwell last year. Was bed bound and couldn’t breathe for 3 weeks. I know it sounds dramatic but it got me thinking about my mortality.

and since then, as I put in my OP, lots of family members have fallen ill. I had never really thought about death before that. Again, I have been lucky.

its getting particularly bad now because of this little puppy I love so much already. I’m so so in love. I can’t bare the thought of her dying one day.

I’ll look into this book. I was trying to find something last night that would be useful to read so I’ll start there - thank you

OK, that makes sense (well, not sense, but explains but explains where your thinking arose from). There's a part of your subconscious mind that's become fixated on the subject and needs to know that this is not a helpful obsession. Have a look at my AMA on remedial hypnosis as that type of therapy can be very effective for maladjusted thinking.

I hope you are ok, I know how tough this can be I’ve had this feeling since young, I have always been an anxious kid but around 12 when my mum thought I had meningitis is when it started since then I have had constant worries I have something to the point it consumed me everyday. my medication has helped it but I still get moments of this it’s very damaging to live with. I hope you find something that can help with this soon

Most of us are scared of it but maybe we are better able to compartmentalise the fear. I try not to think about it too much. I have the exact same fear with one of my kittens. I didn't know I could love a cat so much. All we can do is love them and make them have as happy a life as possible. This world is just very cruel. Besides death there is so much pain and suffering, and I hope that there will be a better life after this one

What kind of therapy is it? I’m not an expert on this but maybe you need a different kind to deal with intrusive thought?

It's not an irrational fear. If I think about it then it is scarey. The therapist needs to concentrate on getting you to focus less on this and concentrate on other aspects of life. Its the obsession that is the problem. Maybe a different therapist.

I was same with our puppy, thinking of all the ways she could possibly die.You suddenly have this tiny thing you’re responsible for and I was same when dd was born. It’s kind of a natural thing to worry about in a way but then gets blown out of all proportion and I think you need concrete strategies to try to manage it.

I have an underlying and mildly irrational fear of dying in public, due to allergies, not for my sake mind, but by those that would be affected by witnessing.

It does bring me a great deal of calmness to know that everyone has to go through this “life stage” and everyone is probably the same level of scared, I think it just takes up more headspace and time in some people’s mind than others.

Have you ever imaged if you died and it went absolutely fine? Have you had any operations, given birth, had a tooth pulled? I think it might be similar to those kind of things, like when it happens you’re able to deal with it better than you thought you might.

Also could you maybe look into how any other cultures deal, perceive and discuss death? That might reframe it? I’m not sure where you’re from in the world but the West does seem to have a very rigid and cold approach to it.

What has your therapist suggested?

Sounds to me that these are intrusive thoughts. Intrusive thoughts need to be dealt with totally differently.
Dont argue with them or develop a way to respond to them, do not logically deal with them all of these things make it worse.

I have always dealt with intrusive thoughts and one book helped hugely, allowing me to get to the point where I almost don’t notice them.

The book is called Overcoming unwanted intrusive thoughts. The two authors are qualified and also understood OCD so if you do have traits the book will still help.

Although you are focused on death, intrusive thoughts often focus on the things that we have no control over whatsoever.
So the tactics the book teaches work if your thoughts realise one topic has calmed in your mind and come at you a different way!

I also would recommend a book called End the Struggle and Dance with Life.
The type of person who struggles with intrusive thoughts often take their thoughts too seriously and seek to control all aspects out of fear. The book basically helps you relax and take the very brave step of relinquishing the need for control over all things!

Also really important to separate’you’ from your thoughts.
Need to find space where you exist and where the thoughts flow by rather that stoking at the heart of you and creating fear/ panic.

The way I reset daily is with meditation.
There is a book called ‘Mindfulness: Finding Peace in a frantic world’.

The book is written by doctors and is absolutely brilliant explaining what is going on in an overworking mind and how to calm.

I would suggest getting the audio version as there are eight meditations included. You do one each week and then choose any that work for you to continue.

There is one that has you practise noticing thoughts without engaging, brilliant for intrusive thoughts. I do this every day, takes 9 minutes and is so beneficial.

I hope I haven’t bombarded you too much!

I just know that when I was reaching breaking point ,I googled and found people who understood and shared their tools with me.

Sorry you’re feeling like this it’s torturous isn’t it. I’ve been like this since being a child after my dad’s best friend died in a bad car accident.
I’m now early 40’s and in the last 10 years Ive lost all 4 grandparents, my uncle and my mum just over a year ago so my fears became reality. I think losing them in a way has made me realise I can get through the grief and be stronger than I imagined. I’ve had really weird and unexplainable things happen since my mum died that I’ve felt have definitely been my mum sending signs. In a way I feel like she’s still with me so I know I can’t hug her and I still feel like I can talk to her and she’s listening which gives me lots of comfort.

I have children and they really do keep me going and are a good focus. They find feathers everywhere and bring them to me and say it’s grandma saying hello.
i worry about them too and i worry about me leaving them one day and how will they cope.

but trying to live each day and find the joy in the moment rather than thinking the worst.

i had CBT for a while which really helped. It taught me that worries about bad events are usually never as bad as you imagine.
I worried about my mum and grandma dying for so many years and just couldn’t imagine life afterwards and thought how on earth would I cope and live a normal life again but to be honest all of the worry was worse than actually dealing with the reality. I really don’t feel like they are gone as I feel them around me supporting me when I need them and still have lovely memories and pictures to look back on.

also I’ve started doing colouring and gem painting to take my mind away from worrying. Just keeping busy really helps.

hope you’re ok OP xxx