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Original poster

Boyfriend accusing me for his depression

32 replies

Chutney86 · 08/01/2025 23:07

I started dating my boyfriend last April. At the start everything was great. Although he did tell me after 3 weeks he loved me which i did think was very quick.
Over time i picked up he had some kind of hot and coldness towards me. I couldnt help think it was me, he was going off me. I later found out he was on antidepressants because of a bad breakup 5 years previous. He assured me he was completely over it and in no way still affected by it. As time goes on, i notice things like he would get very stressed at small situations. He would get stressed if he thought i had a tone or what he thought was 'quiet' or didnt reply back in a certain time frame.
If i brought up situations that i was annoyed about, or didnt like certain things he had been dishonest with me about he would tell me that i didnt understand him and point blame onto me. This would happen several times. He would hold onto this and say i didnt understand him. I would constantly feel unheard.
Just there in october he had an operation and his mood had went down after it. He was having issues with his ex and seeing his child.
This went on until recently.
At the weekend i had a pregnancy scare and that set him off the edge. He took a bad depressive episode and had withdrawn from me. I felt very hurt by his reaction as i was not expecting that and was still trying to be very compassionate to his mental health. Hes brought up to me again tonight that me bringing up anything that im upset about makes him feel like he isnt good enough for me. In the past he has made references that hes not rich like my exs or thinks hes not good enough.
I have never made him feel like he isnt good enough. Ive reassured him lots he is.
Im always helping him, assuring him, giving him advice as best as i can etc
From chatting about his ex, she put him down, cheated on him etc
Ive said for months about gym being good for mental health but he didnt try going back.
I really want to help him, but im beginning to think I cant when hes stuck with those thoughts.

OP posts:
FallenRaingel · 08/01/2025 23:09

If you stay with him make sure your contraception is 100%. Don't know why you would want to continue a relationship with him but don't bring a baby into it.

Candlesandmatches · 08/01/2025 23:10

His depression isnt your responsibility. It’s his.
You are not an emotional support person.

Id suggest having a real think about what it will be like in the he future if this is your life now and if you want this.

TallNeckedGiraffe · 08/01/2025 23:10

Just look after yourself and leave him.

AnnaMagnani · 08/01/2025 23:11

Get rid now. Far too many red flags and misery for a short relationship.

SnowflakeSmasher86 · 08/01/2025 23:12

Sadly you can’t help him if he won’t help himself. My DP is a lot like this too, but he has had extensive therapy and is just going into another course of counselling for 12 weeks, so I know that he’s taking steps to try and help himself. This isn’t something I can fix with platitudes or reassurances as it goes too deep. In fact only tonight when he said something about me loving my ex more than him, I just said “I love you. I’m not even going to say I love you more because it isn’t a competition and the ex is irrelevant!”

Nothing I say will alleviate his worries - that comes from a thousand wounds that I had nothing to do with. I can be there for him while he works on it himself and make sure that I’m taking care of myself and not getting drawn into the anxiety. I see myself as a calm safe space for him, open to talk and listen without judgment, but I’m not his therapist.

PoissonOfTheChrist · 08/01/2025 23:13

Don't have a baby with that man. A baby deserves the chance to a have decent, healthy father. Don't be one of those women that gets pregnant on purpose to someone you know is shit. It's your baby that will suffer.

Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 08/01/2025 23:14

This sounds less like depression and more like a man saying 'I'm depressed so you can't say anything I don't want to hear,' whether he actually is depressed or not. It sounds way too high maintenance to be any good for either of you.

nonbinaryfinery · 08/01/2025 23:21

He sounds about as stable as a house built on a blancmange. Do yourself a favour and end things with him before you end up stuck with him and pregnant.

WhydontyouMove · 08/01/2025 23:24

What exactly do you think he needs help with? And why do you think you’re qualified to help him?

He’s a liar, controlling and plays the victim. Lots of abusive men play the victim and claim to be depressed.

If you’re committed to playing the role of a free counsellor while he complains about his ex sort some contraception out. No kid deserves a father like this.

username299 · 08/01/2025 23:35

Why are you tiptoeing around this bloke and acting like an unpaid counsellor?

He's still taking ADs and discussing his ex after five years. He's unable to manage his moods and emotions.

Do you have a need to be needed? He's treating you really badly and you need to end the relationship. It's not your job to reassure and pander to people who are acting badly.

You come across as codependent. Your boyfriend's mental health is his problem and it's for him to deal with. He's not starting posts on forums about how his behaviour is effecting you.

Treesinthewind · 09/01/2025 00:03

I wasted almost 2 years in a very similar sounding relationship and really wish I'd left earlier.

Itsawildworld85 · 09/01/2025 00:12

I agree with others sounds maniulative and using "depression" as a way to gain control or unlikely depressed and not over his ex

mathanxiety · 09/01/2025 00:45

You need to end this relationship.

He is not partner material. No amount of love or patience or reasoning or attempts at rational persuasion on your part will make him into a partner for you.

He is not capable of being in a mature, adult relationship. There are red flags all over your description. Big, serious, madly waving red flags. Don't ignore them.

Please break up with him and do not take him back.

itsparklesitshines · 09/01/2025 07:10

You can't change what is in someone's head

If you're not careful, he will drag you down into his depression too. You can be supportive and understanding, but don't be surprised if it starts to drain the life out of you. I've been there and I ended up at rock bottom (and I'm usually a fairly positive person). I'm no longer with said person and I feel significantly lighter. The only person who can fix his depression is him.

I often thought when I was in that situation that his moods and negative actions were there to impact me directly i.e 'you don't understand how bad I feel, so I'm going to do or say something really bad that shows you how awful I feel. Then you'll understand. '

OurDreamLife · 09/01/2025 07:26

It’s too early into the relationship to be dealing with this. I would see this as your opportunity to end it before you get dragged down with him.

Lurkingandlearning · 09/01/2025 09:16

Having depression doesn’t mean other people’s likes, dislikes and feelings don’t count. He is either not managing his condition properly or using it as an excuse to manipulate and control you.

As PPs have said, this is way too much strife for a fairly new relationship

YouOKHun · 09/01/2025 09:44

@Chutney86 you should be in the blissful stage of this months old relationship. If it is already such hard work take that as a warning. Your responsibility is to your own mental health and he needs to take steps to get help to manage his own mental health. If you'd been together for a while and his MH had taken a turn for the worse that would be different in terms of supporting him, but this is different and it sounds like he just masked his behaviour in the very early days. I would call it a day if I was you.

NormasArse · 09/01/2025 09:50

My friend is in a very similar situation, but two years in and totally enmeshed.

Go now before you end up a shell of yourself 😔.

I fucking hate him.

user1492757084 · 09/01/2025 09:54

If you have to walk on egg shells, tippy toe right out of there.
Big red flag!
His counselling has not worked; he is incapabole of dwelling on good things and of trusting anyone.

BCBird · 09/01/2025 09:59

You can't save him. U will only harm or even destroy yourself . I was in a relationship with a wonderful man. When he was well he it was fabulous, when he was unwell it was like being with a stranger- torture. It nearly broke me. It didn't end well. . I would part company OP

Velvetbee · 09/01/2025 10:06

You are less than a year in, it should be joyous. It isn’t, so get out now.

DancingFerret · 09/01/2025 10:07

Run, OP, while you still can. He will only get worse, nothing you do will ever please him. Unfortunately, you do come across as a caring person - which makes you the perfect foil for abusive males like your boyfriend.

(You might also want to Google "narcissism" because he's displaying some of the traits of that condition.)

NotDavidTennant · 09/01/2025 10:08

Depression doesn't excuse shitty behaviour. You can do better.

healthybychristmas · 09/01/2025 10:11

I would give this one up as a very bad job. You will not be happy with him. He won't be happy with anyone.

Bananalanacake · 09/01/2025 10:17

Don't let him move in, whatever you do