I wish that I did not have this cat

[mylovelyboycat]

I have a cat. He is lovely. He is so sensitive. He likes to play. He likes to lay on top of me. He is cute. Sometimes he likes to hold my hand with his paw. Sometimes he gets on my nerves and I say "noooooo!" When he is demanding biscuits that he doesn't need.

Sometimes I feel a bit frustrated with his demands, and he skulks off to his bed. But he will always pop out later to see if I'm in a better mood.....which due to his utter cuteness I always am.

I am very suicidal. I don't really want to be alive. I am quite rubbish at life. I really wish that it was socially acceptable to say, ummm it's not working out for me (after years and years of effort and work and therapy etc), so I would like to pop off now. BUT.......the cat 😳 this bloody cat is hanging around me, sleeping on top of me, wailing for my attention...... looking like he is in heaven when I cuddle and stroke him.

This cat is keeping me alive. Sometimes I wish I never knew him, so that I could exit this life. But I do know him, and he has some kind of attitude that says, he is not accepting me pissing of early. As far as he is concerned we are a team.

Sometimes I honestly wish that I didn't have this cat, because I've had enough and I want to leave. This cat has other ideas.

This cat knows you need to be here and why! He sounds utterly adorable and I’m sure you are giving him his best life and in turn he is giving you yours. I hope you get the help you need and/or at least manage to source the help you need and go on to enjoy life with your new best friend. Sending you big hugs and well wishes for the future xx

He is annoyingly beautiful and content. It is very very difficult to sustain hopelessness and a desire to end life, when there is a warm fluffy innocent little creature, who doesn't care less about your human concerns.....and really is only concerned about warmth and comfort and cuddles and the here and now

You mean the world to him. That’s a lovely gift! Sending you love, OP, and all good wishes for strength and joy. Just being there for your lovely cat is doing a good thing in the world. 💐

I'm sorry to hear you feel such despair. Are you missing good connections with other people in your life?
I'm very glad you have the beautiful cat. Maybe he'll see you past wishing for an out to a better state. I sincerely hope so.

Oh op, this is just really sad & really adorable in equal measures. You both sound absolutely lovely. When I feel sad, there’s nothing else that makes me feel better than my dog & cat.

This is a really well written post, touching, sad and funny. Maybe as well as being a cat servant 😁you have a role to play in communicating with others about how living like this feels. In the meantime, keep giving that cat your love and accepting his.

I'm so sorry you're feeling that way. Your post is so sincere and kind.

It reminds me of something I always think about when I am going through my own struggles. Your cat is a chapter in your life, but for them you're the whole book.

It's such a special bond and no matter how you feel right now, you're not alone. There is someone who loves you unconditionally, no expectation or lip service! That's more than a lot of people have but I appreciate it's hard to see that when you're suffering.

I wish you and the kitty cat all the best, you're so important to them and I'm sure to others. Take it day by day, I see a lot of hope in your post even if you don't feel that way right now ❤

Your kitty loves you. Brighter days are ahead don't let the darkness win.

As a PP says, you’re a really good writer.

I’m glad you have your lovely cat. He’ll need your strokes tomorrow and the day after, and the day after that.

@mylovelyboycat have you reached out to anyone about your suicidal thoughts? Please seek help for this, though it does sound from your post that you have sought help in the past.
I am so glad the cat is there to keep you with us, and you can't leave him, so you will stay. Hopefully his love will help keep you safe, and lift you out of your sadness

The beauty of cats is that they completely dismiss humans who they just don't like. They take no shit and don't suffer fools. But if they love you, they LOVE you.

This kitty cat sees you, and knows you should be here. He loves you, and is telling you that you simply can't leave. He's a spirit animal, a familiar.

Sending you love, OP, I know that might sound shit and condescending because you're obviously in a bad place, but please keep coming back for a gab and to tell us about kitty cat, he sounds quite special, and so do you.

Ps a pic of him would be a dream 🥰

Sounds like that cat is your guardian angel, give him some extra treats xx

He loves you, I'm glad you have him. I'm thinking of you mate, been there.

Hang in there ♥️ life can be hard, but suicide is a very permanent solution to what is usually a temporary problem. And I say that as someone who suffers with severe OCD and bipolar disorder.

Your cat adores you. He needs you. I truly believe our pets can be our guardian angels and often are our reason for ‘staying’ when we feel like we haven’t got any reason to! My cat has saved my life more times than I can count.

Have you looked into medication? It made the world of difference to me - venlafaxine in particular has been a godsend for my OCD and depression.

I have been feeling what you describe for several months. I have several cats. However, one of mine was killed on the 2nd of January and I really am on the edge now because he isn’t here. Yours needs you, just as much as the rest of mine still need me and I'm one foot in, one foot out because he's gone. I can't cope with life without him. There will always be different perspectives but fuck, my life is just so much more raw and painful without him.

When I say several, I literally mean eight. Eight more who need me. One is enough. They're here for a reason just the same as yours is, to keep you going and keep you safe.

There are times when CatOfHate has been all that stands between me and a short walk off a tall structure.

He's 13 now and I dread the day that I lose him because I worry that I won't survive it. Until then, he protects me from the worst of myself.

Your little boy is doing the same for you. I hope that he buys you enough time to find effective treatment and support with your mental health.

@AkashaPlease 😘😘😘

I've been there myself. The only thing that kept me here was Boycat. His sister Girlcat I thought would probably eventually cope in another loving home, but Boycat had "issues" and having finally come to love and trust me just couldn't cope at all anywhere else.

I was at my very lowest, sitting in front of the TV not noticing anything except my own thoughts, when suddenly I realised he'd somehow managed to crawl up me without me noticing (not easy for well over 5kg!) and was staring at my face with a look of total adoration and not a single other thought in his tiny brain. That was the start of my recovery from that bout of severe depression, and if I ever felt like I was spiralling down I would just look at him & cuddle him and I would come back.

My heart was broken when he had to be PTS a few years later, but by then his influence had managed to get me in a much better place and I got by - helped by his sister becoming emotionally dependant on me without him. My life is so much better than those dark days.

Accept that love from your cat and use it as your strength. She clearly adores you, and everything can't be bad with that in your life.

Feel free to PM me, though I work in office so can't always reply quickly.

Hello OP, we are really sorry to hear you are feeling this way.

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources. You can also go to the Samaritans website or email them on [email protected]. Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.

We are going to move this thread to the Mental Health section shortly.

Wishing you the very best 💐
MNHQ

In the words of your cat ... you are my sunshine!