Please help me (possible TW)

[Bananasandcustard28]

My husband died by suicide recently and tonight I’m feeling so alone and panicky. I have very little practical real life support and I’m struggling to see a way forward tonight

Apart from recommending cruse bereavement counselling I don’t know what else to say.

except I’m so sorry and sending you lots of love and hugs for this truly awful time x

So sorry to hear this OP
Do you want to tell us about him?

There are organisations that specialise in this area - it might help if you speak to someone - here are some links

uksobs.com/how-we-can-help/bereavement/supporting-friends-and-family/

winstonswish.org/supporting-you/supporting-a-bereaved-child/suicide-bereavement-support/

www.ifucareshare.co.uk/how-we-can-help/support-after-suicide

The Samaritans do face to face groups if that would suit you better

www.samaritans.org/how-we-can-help/if-youre-having-difficult-time/support-groups-people-bereaved-suicide/

So sorry you are going through this OP. We are all here to help if you want to tell us more about how you are feeling.

Thank you for the responses - they mean a lot.
He died 4 months ago and I think that because I’ve had to hold it together due to responsibilities, I’m now reaching the point where I feel I can’t be strong any more. I’m so exhausted too (not sleeping and grief).
I’m in contact with various organisations that offer support, but haven’t joined any group meetings yet. I’m also having EMDR therapy

Hi OP. What an awful time for you I’m so sorry this has happened.
if I were you I’d go and see my GP, explain what has happened and ask if they can prescribe some sleeping tablets. I think max they can supply is a week and they are very wary of prescribing anymore, but it may give you a chance to rest a little.
your already going through an extremely tough time and not sleeping will just add to how awful you feel.

If you’re comfortable saying what area you live in if I’m near you I’d be happy to go for coffee and you can rant or whatever it is you need to do. Your not alone x

We are all here for you. Their are all kinds of organizations who can help like the Samaritans.

I've been through this too but a friend asked me what I would have replied if the victim had said 'Oblivion is better than the life I have'.

That really got me thinking and I suppose it means you have to decide if you would have given the person permission if they had asked. That quietened my doubts because my answer would have been 'yes'.

Agree some medication to help you sleep may help. Grief is even harder when exhausted

Do you have DC or other family you are having to be responsible for?

If you want to share some memories of him please do

It’s great that you are having EMDR therapy OP. I have heard that it can be really helpful but it is tough work and very draining when you are doing it.
You need to try to be kind to yourself and not expect too much of yourself. Are you able to take some time off if you are working?

I’m so sorry. To lose a spouse is devastating enough, but to lose a partner to suicide adds a whole other awful dimension. I lost my childhood sweetheart in the same way and the ripples just go on and on. There aren’t really any words to make this better, but please know that I will be thinking of you. I remember my dad saying to me as we were fighting our way through the hideous aftermath - ‘You might not get over this, but you will get THROUGH it.’ And he was right.
Sending you a gentle hug. x

Thank you.
@Lallie87 @Nantescalling I’m so sorry you’ve had to go through this too.

I have two primary aged DC and I’m so desperate to make things as easy as possible for them (I need to remember I can’t fix the situation) that I’ve probably neglected my own wellbeing.

I had decided today to make a GP appointment for medication help. I’m currently on Sertraline but haven’t been prescribed any sleeping tablets

That’s very kind. Thank you. I’m in Surrey x

I'm so sorry to hear this. Sending love to you and your children
How are they at the moment- are they old enough to comprehend anything?
Keep talking and reaching out on this thread and wherever else - appreciate some things are easier to share with strangers than with you day to day people. Do you have a good support network around you?
Xxx

@Bananasandcustard28 I can’t imagine how you are managing this whole awful situation with two young children and very little sleep. I really hope the GP can give you something to at least let you get some rest and to give you a break from the thoughts that are inevitably rocketing around your head all the time. Lots of love xxx

I'm so sorry that this happened to you.
It wasn't your fault.
Unless you were literally with him at the point of his action you could not have stopped it.
It is very likely that he wanted the mental anguish to stop, and couldn't see any other way to do that.
It is also likely he thought you would be better off without him. This isn't true, but might give you an insight into his actions. Obviously you're not better off without him.

You are going through a wretched time but it will pass and that makes you stronger than the grief.
In time your life will grow bigger around your grief, so it might feel as though the grief diminishes but it just stays the same. Your life grows.

You don't have to do anything except be. Just be.

Ahhhh im in Lancashire I think we’re quite far are we x

If you think you're in crisis, contact NHS Direct option 2 and speak to the mental health team.

Be kind to yourself, lots of people find that right after a trauma isn't actually a helpful time for counselling or talking therapies, or to start processing what's happened. It's great that you're getting some support but if how you're feeling is changing, which is completely normal, then talk to whoever's providing and arranging that support about what's changed. Jackstini posted links to some great support sources in the meantime if you need to reach out to someone immediately to tide you over.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this, it must be so hard to put one foot in front of the other right now. Your children will get you through this, as you have to keep going for them, you all need each other so much right now, you will get through this together. There will be groups with people who have gone through this, I hope you get some help and support from them.

Hope you got a bit of sleep OP, was really hoping you did

Did you manage to get hold of the GP to discuss some meds and any other help they can provide?

It's not something you get over, but you will live with it day by day

Thinking of you and your dc

Thank you - I did eventually, but woke up a couple of times in the night.
I rang the GP today and have an appointment booked for tomorrow

Wretched is the perfect word to describe it.

I think one of the worst things is seeing friends and strangers in their little family units and feeling so so alone and frightened.

Thank you for all the kindness on this thread - it is helping me x

You are not alone, we might all be strangers but we are here to support you x

I was paraphrasing from a quote in my last message and I have found the full quote which is this:

From the Selected Letters of Henry James,
“Sorrow comes in great waves – no one can know better than you – but it rolls over us, and though it may almost smother us, it leaves us on the spot, and we know that if it is strong, we are stronger, in as much as it passes, and we remain … You are passing through a darkness that has made you wretched; but it is only a darkness, it is not an end, or the end.
“Don’t think, don’t feel any more than you can help, don’t conclude or decide, don’t do anything, but wait…“.