Anxious, alone & overwhelmed

[Starlightgone]

I’ve been a single mum for many years. My Ds left home a few months ago for work . Very proud but miss him a lot.
I have no local friends, no partner, no family and nothing in common with my work colleagues.
I get overwhelmed easily- things a work which might seem trivial to others take me over s I can barely think of anything else. I dont make friends easily and can appear aloof, l need my own space but get lonely, am particularly about my personal spaces /positions in a room if sitting, can’t bear fakeness and just feel I don’t in. I worry a lot about making mistakes at work , I used to have career job before DS but now feel i couldn’t possibly do any more than the fairly lowly job I do now. I also have ocd re checking things. I just wish I didn’t “feel” so much. I’ve tried ssris, counselling, cbt, hypnotherapy to try to help with my head bit nothing works. A couple of SSRIs have helped dull things a bit in the past but I would t take them as I’m worried about if I ever need antibiotics as they interact and can cause heart issues. Can anyone suggest anything - medication or otherwise that might help, please?

I’ve been thinking about my childhood a lot today - I think if it were now, I my behaviour would probably hand triggered an assessment. Hair sucking/twiddling, not enjoying playing games, preferring a chat with an adult. As a teenager needing time away from friend group, not making many new friends. The thought of a girls holiday - unbearable as I’d need space.

Totally relate. I remember getting in trouble in primary school for sucking my hair. But of course I was a girl so I was just 'weird'.

There's definitely a kind of grieving process for your younger self as you go on this journey. But, for me, it's mostly been really positive to finally end up in a place where I understand myself and my needs a lot better. I still feel bad for younger men - but I'm a lot happier now than I was before I realised all this about myself.