Suicidal thoughts

[Tibbytab]

I’ve been having suicidal thoughts and I can’t seem to make them go away. They have been worse at night which I ride out til the morning. However, over the past 7 days I have started having them in the day. *[text redacted by MNHQ]

I try to live my life with honesty and with good character. I prefer few friends and to keep my circle small. At times I wonder if I have undiagnosed SEN because no matter how hard I try to be a good person people always view me a certain way. And it’s always negative. At work I have been called, “scary” by people I don’t directly work with. They actually meant it as a compliment as in, “you take no crap off of anybody” but I found it upsetting.

I have noticed that I am crying more frequently and not telling people. I have started to tell people ‘I am done’ but no one seems to realise I am not ok.

*[Sentence redacted by MNHQ as it quotes an edited post]

Maybe you are SEN, its known to be genetic. I'm ND and had no idea until it was pointed out in my children.

Have you been to the GP? I was suicidal in July, I wrote good bye letters, I tried to make some nice videos for my kids but kept crying so couldnt. I had never felt so low in my life and I have had my fair share of trauma. I got some anti depressants and was referred to therapy. Not done the theroay yet but the antidepressents have definetly helped

I can’t sleep tonight which I’m sure is anxiety. I went to work on Monday then faked being sick just to come home. I don’t know why. I just couldn’t seem to cope with the day. I also took today off and I am going back tomorrow.

I have suspected for a long time that I have suffered with depression. I have had it once before so I know how it feels. My head is in such a bad place - I vision self-harming and the line from the song, “I hurt myself to see if I still feel”.

My stresses isn’t just one thing. I have one son with ASC and ADHD who is really tricky on a daily basis. I also have another son who I suspect has ADHD but not ASC.

My physical appearance is horrible - I take no pride in myself. That is a vicious circle.

I had an argument with my husband because he lied to me about something. It wasn’t a massive issue as such but his lying made it one. Now I feel hurt by him. I can’t trust a liar.

His family aren’t nice to me so we haven’t seen them for a few years. They aren’t nice to any women who join the family so it isn’t ‘just’ me and I tried so hard to avoid getting dragged into conflict but somehow they take about me all the time like I’m the problem. (My husband talks to them on the phone but we don’t physically see each other now after I placed boundaries on how I would let people treat me).

*[Sentence redacted by MNHQ as it quotes an edited post]

I frequently imagine walking out of the house and just never coming back. I just know with the amount of CCTV that I couldn’t hide.

I am so fed up of tears coming down my face.

My eldest goes to a good school - he’s bright and on medication. It’s an all boys grammar so I think there is a lot of behaviour that he doesn’t ‘get’ - especially as it’s all boys. But even school unintentionally pile it on my shoulders with emails / phone calls about incidents that have happened in the day. I know they need to let me know but I don’t think anyone in the system anywhere thinks about the support the family needs with their own mental health with a child who has SEN.

i don’t know what the alternative is and I’m not saying they are wrong for calling me but it adds more pressure and stress to my plate. He has inattentive ADHD as well as hyper so he forgets equipment which they give conduct points for. This stresses me out. I check his bag now but it’s something else I need to remember.

I have ADHD and recently diagnosed with ASD, one of my kids is ADHD and the other is ADHD/ASD. It's all largely genetic

Have you considered maybe your in burnout instead of just depression? You'll probably he depressed aswell, but I'd put money on it mainly being burnt out. It feels a lot like depression

I would feel the same about lying, I am very honest and dont tolerate liars.

I dont take care of myself when I'm burnt out/depressed either, it is a vicious cycle.

What support do you have within your own family/ circle of friends?

I’m also a teacher so every morning at 8.40am I ‘act’ until 3.30pm.

Teaching is really acting and the front of the classroom is like a stage.

So I can’t slink to a corner quietly because I’m ‘centre stage’.

So I have to plaster a big smile on my face and deliver the best I can. I know I’m a good teacher (the only thing I feel that goes right) but suppressing everything and feeling under the spotlight all day is hard.

Aw OP, you definetly sound ND. Your acting Is you masking.

Please know that I see you. I know I can't so much from the screen but all the signs are there that you are struggling and are at rock bottom.
You need to find the person. The one who can help you find the right support. Go to your GP, pharmacy, neighbour, friend, even a teacher at school. I know it's TERRIFYING but you need someone to be your strength until yours comes back.
Then everything else will slowly get easier.
Take care of yourself - you have us to talk to.
Sending love, light and strength

i probably sound stupid but I don’t know anything about burn out. I assume it’s where you’re burned out energy wise?

my mum doesn’t have a clue and I can’t put this on her at her age. My husband and I are close but not as close as we once were since he lied. I have strong principles and I do see things black and white so maybe I have autism. To me now - him lying = betrayal. That means I can’t and shouldn’t trust him.

I have one close friend and I do cry to her but I haven’t mentioned suicidal thoughts. She’s just with w new partner so she’s in the loves up phase so hasn’t really got time to spend with me as much which is fair enough

Although you have lost trust because of your DHs lie, could you rely on him to deal with your son’s school admin? And anything else that would take some of the load off you. If he is already doing his share, relieving you of some of this needn’t be forever, just until you are well again. Like he would have to do if you had a visible health issue like a broken leg.

Burn out will reduce energy, but I think it refers more to lost mental and emotional capacity from stress that has been constant for too long. To me that sounds exactly what you have been living with.

Hi Tibbytab,

We're sorry you're feeling so low. We can see you're already getting some good support on this thread from other Mumsnetters, but we just wanted to add a few links which might be of help.

Here's a link to our general Mental Health webguide which lists lots of organisations which can provide some real life support.

If you're feeling really low, please call the Samaritans on 116 123. You can also go to the Samaritans website, or email them on [email protected].

If you find texting easier, please take a look at Shout's website. Shout 85258 is a free, confidential, anonymous text support service. Its trained volunteers are available all hours of the day and night to listen and support you to get to a calmer and safe place.

Here too is a link to Mind's support page which has tips for everyday living which can help when you're feeling overwhelmed.

Just so you know, we've edited a couple of lines from your opening post, in line with our Talk Guidelines.

We hope things start getting a bit easier for you soon.