Masking depression

[rosemole]

After many, many years of masking, I think I'm ready to admit I'm a depressive.
It's been something I've had to hide all my life due to the way my family have conditioned me to think - depression is a weakness and I'm being over the top if I express the fact I'm depressed and struggling.
Where do I go from here? Can anyone relate or suggest any useful resources?
I have a counsellor but that started for other reasons and I'm only just realising the cause of my lifelong issues now.

Your first port of call should always be your GP - he/she will be able to help with a diagnosis and treatment options.

Thank you so much but in the most respectful way, I'm not interested in going down that route, I'm looking for alternatives.

Why is that?

Would you explore talking therapy options if you definitely don’t want to go down the GP route?. I keep hearing about Better Help but haven’t used them myself. Or there might be self help books that people here could recommend as a starting point.

@Pickandmixmood I've lost faith in the NHS and modern medicine, that's why. The idea of going to a GP for help is the last thing I'd do. I've already been down the medicalised route of antidepressants, beta blockers and more, as well as CBT and other related therapies. They are not for me. I don't want a temporary fix, which is what modern medicine seems to be all about, I'm more interested in natural approaches and digging deeper into root causes. I just don't know really how to go about it.

@Mmhmmn I have been seeing a counsellor for a long time, but as much as I value my relationship with them, I'm not averse to exploring other options.

Reiki and acupuncture might be of interest?

Also St John's Wort is meant to be good for depression, I've not tried it.

Podcasts about mental health (and then following their advice!) might be helpful. Many of them discuss the therapeutic benefits of things like yoga, gardening, journalling, bilateral movement, different therapies, supplements, cold water, massage... There's an endless list of things that might help but you might need to try several for a while before you feel a difference. Some of them also explain the root causes of depression and might give you some food for thought about your own life and the reasons for your low mood.

Being Well by Rick and Forrest Hanson is a good podcast. Brene Brown. Annaliese Barbieri. I like Rangan Chatterjee's podcast too. They're all quite gentle and accepting of how hard it can be to overcome challenges in life.

Walking is an amazing natural mood booster for all kinds of problems. Try it ; even a few minutes every day can help . Take care OP.

Sorry, your OP gave the impression that you were just starting to look at options to help your depression, I didn’t realise you had already tried medication and therapy.
FWIW, combination of AD with low dose of an antipsychotic is showing goods results for managing treatment resistant depression.
I understand how you feel about medication though.
All the best xx

@Pickandmixmood no need to apologise, I didn't give any background. Thank you xx

I didn't know that reiki and acupuncture were used as treatments for depression, so thank you for suggesting it, I will look into them as they do interest me.

I already do lots of mood boosting things - running, work outs, cold water swimming, arts & crafts, cooking, gardening etc but the second I stop those things the underlying feeling of just doom and gloom rears its ugly head. It's like it's always there in the background and those things - however lovely - are just temporary distractions.

I think it's living here in the UK with this weather.
Work stress and family stress.
Being an adult is facing shit every day. And it's wearing!
ANT automatic negative thoughts.

Also who is around you. If they are mean you will be depressed.

I find it exhausting masking it - my work is customer facing - and I'm so exhausted being friendly and accommodating all day when I get home I just need a break from it and need to take the mask off.

Do you think a change to your working life could make more of a lasting difference to how you feel? If you were doing something that took out or reduced the interpersonal demands?

Exercise helps me, though I DO take meds too. Getting out in nature has proven benefits especially.
I have tried St Johns Wort, but it made me too tired. The trouble with natural stuff is it isn't licensed so you need to be careful - a good naturopath could be a good shout. I asked for advice in a well known health food shop as well as a pharmacist about SJW and neither helped me !

If you want to look at the root causes I suggest looking into Buddhism. I read a book called Buddha in Your Mirror 13 years ago, started chanting Nam-Myoho-Renge-Kyo the same month, never looked back. You can find info on pronunciation and meaning on our website SGI-UK

I would change from a counsellor to a psychologist or psychotherapist
practice mindfulness in ways such as yoga/breath work.
read some self help books and work through therapeutic work books to build up a load of tools to help.

depression is an illness not a weakness.

I appreciate not wanting to be medicated, but you dont have to use it as a long term solution. and just because the first one didn't work it doesn't mean no other one will work.
beta blockers are great for anxiety symptoms but nothing else imo

how is your sleep? general routine of good habits and self care?
is it worse in winter, in line with your menstrual cycle?
do you have a strong hobby? do you feel you have a purpose, hows your self esteem?

@Mmhmmn no, I love my job and I do enjoy being there, I have great colleagues as well and it's a happy place to be.
The problem is my personal life I think. I'm a single parent with very little family support and through no fault of my children's, I give up a lot of "me" for their benefit, if they are happy, I'm happy and that comes first.

When I posted this I was really very down but I'm a bit more balanced this week.
It's no coincidence that in the past week, I've done more exercise, had no alcohol, been involved in local stuff, been eating better. Sleep not so good - I find going to bed early and getting up early so hard!

@Kosenrufugirl thank you for the suggestion, not sure it's the right time now but it's great it helped you and I'd be interested to know more.

@researchers3 I've made an appointment for some reiki (and a massage) in the new year and can't wait to try it. Thanks for the suggestion.

@adulthoodisajoke why do you suggest changing from counsellor to psychologist?

@Jenkib good to about the tiredness side effects of SJW, I couldn't cope with that.
Hope you managed to find something else that helped?

Ah OK, that all makes sense and that’s good (great actually) that you enjoy your work and like your colleagues. And that you feel better than last week. As you prob know, alcohol’s a depressant and really messes up neurotransmitters (not meant in judgemental way). I was quite shocked at the extent of that effect after not drinking for ages and then feeling so so horribly depressed for two days after a (not massive) night on the sauce.