How can I disappear/die without hurting people?

[OneBrightAzureBiscuit]

Just what it says really. I need advice.
To give background- I’m in my early twenties. I was abused as a child by my father and had other traumatic events like bullying and other things in my life. Abused physically, sexually, everything really you can think of. Verbal, financial etc by partners and my father.
suffer with anxiety, severe depression and a whole host of other issues.

anyways my mental health was quite good recently which is very very rare for me so I was very pleased and actually got to a point where I was enjoying life. I have my hobbies, my driving test is coming next year, I worked my way up to qualifications after leaving school with zilch due to a huge breakdown, I have a best friend and an amazing partner. Recently my sister and me stopped talking because I just can’t get on with her she’s very abusive emotionally and verbally I just can’t interact with her she’s a horrible piece of work. Last week Thursday I was texting my mother and she went on my mother’s phone and called me the C word. Then I logged onto my email later to check an email and my sister had sent me an email saying how my life is a shortcoming, my relationship is trash etc and how my life is basically crap and hers is good. I didn’t answer even though it was tempting and I treat her like air (completely ignore her but don’t retaliate to her huffing when she sees me and the door slamming) to me just existing. She is 19 for context and we both live with my mother.

I thought I had got over it but I haven’t. The past few days I’ve been sleeping non stop, wanting to withdraw from people, having such depressive thoughts and I self harmed the other night. Feel so alone and like a waste of space I am believing she’s right in what she’s saying. Someone else commented something nasty so if people wish to do that please just keep your opinion to yourselves and leave this thread- can’t do anymore nastiness or snide remarks from anyone. Since this happened I’ve just felt so depressed and don’t want anything in life I feel my life isn’t worth living and like a dot just floating alone in life. I really am thinking of suicide and it would end all my problems BUT I know that it would devastate my partner. He is such a kind man that always puts me first and has been there through my hardest times. I love him to death and I love my best friend and family but I just can’t deal with the pain anymore it seems my sister won’t be happy until I’m away for good or dead. I actually hate her. How do I vanish or die without upsetting anyone too much especially my boyfriend, omg I’m tearing up while typing this I’m so down and upset. I was thinking maybe go away to a different town and blag that it’s for work then just fade off contact? If anyone has genuine advice of any sort then that would really be helpful I’m sorry just don’t know where to turn
thanks in advance

Firstly you really need to go no contact with your sister.
You don't need to put up with anyone abusing you.
I don't have much more advice other than please don't end your life. It sounds like you have a lovely partner and years or even months from now life could be very different 💐

Big hugs being sent for you. Challenges with siblings are especially tough. I also stayed in bed for 4 days after a difficult time with my eldest sister. I know things feel so dark right now but you absolutely can (and clearly already have started) making a great life for yourself.

I'm so sorry you are feeling like this. It won't be like this forever.

Please contact someone for support. I think 111 can direct you. There are now local mental health phone numbers across England so if you Google where you live and mental health there will be people on a phone line who can listen to you properly.

I often feel like disappearing.

I'd definitely say choose disappearing over suicide any day. Take yourself to the coast or someone lovely or lively (whichever you prefer) for a while. A city break or country break.

Talk to no one whilst you're gone except your boyfriend.

Are you guys serious enough yet to move in together, is thst something you'd want?

Hi, I work in a field where I meet a lot of people who experience the suicide of a loved one, or impact of someone going missing

In short, you can't

What I can universally tell you is that people are loved, and that people are hurt by their death and often the impact ripples out. It seems sad to me that we aren't very good at letting people know that they matter to us, but often people who might seem far away are often deeply saddened. They always say they wished they could have helped, and even though they hadn't spoken in months or feel more like surface level acquaintances that they would have rathered a 2 am phone call and been up all night then lose that person

The trick is our head tells us we are alone and we don't matter. It tells us people don't care, that they'd be better without us but I struggle to think of many cases where that's true. It's not true, it's a trick of the brain and sometimes it's helpful for me to remind myself that.

In the same way as when I was in the grip of eating issues, I was convinced other people saw me differently, and that I looked completely different to how I did. In the grip of my low mood my brains trick is to distort my friendships, minimise my connections and convince me I have no worth

You need to get away from your sister and your Mum. Why your mum let her use her phone? If she only know after way did she get consequences for her actions? Does your mum know about the email?

move out, flat share or with boyfriend. Don’t give your sister any power to hurt you further.

You sound like you've been through so much - you are really strong and you can get through this.

Your sister sounds like a rather unpleasant individual and her email says everything about her and nothing about you.

Are you safe right now?

I’m so sorry to read this. Please try and get some help. Can you call Samaritans or your doctor? You need to cut your sister out. You have overcome so much and you are worthy of love. Sending you a hug across the internet 💞

I was enjoying life. I have my hobbies, my driving test is coming next year, I worked my way up to qualifications after leaving school with zilch due to a huge breakdown, I have a best friend and an amazing partner.

That's the real you. You are admirable and loved. The thoughts are the horrible, intrusive strangers in your mind that your sister's unkindness have put there. She's obviously a very damaged person (was she also abused as a child and reacted differently)?

You can't die without hurting people. Trust me.

You can’t kill yourself in a way that doesn’t hurt other people, it’s not possible because however you do it the people who love you would be devastated.

It doesn’t sound like you want to die, it sounds like current events and people are exceeding your capacity to cope and you need to make some changes. You’ve clearly made huge efforts to make a life for yourself despite really hard circumstances, you deserve a good life. Can you move out, can you stay with your partner for a bit?

If you think you are in danger of hurting yourself then please first tell someone you trust like your partner and go to the GP, or A&E if you can’t keep yourself safe right now. You’ve made a massive step already in making this thread and that is very brave.

This period will pass and you’ll be so glad you didn’t miss out on the rest of your life

You can’t disappear without hurting people. It’s that simple. Can you try and put distance between the people who are abusive towards you, like your sister, and move in with or closer to the people you do love, like your friend and partner? Remember, it won’t always be like this.

Fcuk your sister and everyone else that's hurt you.
Who do they think they are!

You deserve to LIVE.

It sounds like you’ve been through some of the most traumatic things anyone could imagine. And you’re still standing. You’ve survived. And you’ve seen that there is a possibility that you can have a really happy life in the future.

Siblings know exactly what to say and do to hurt us more than anyone else could. They know all of our weak spots, know how to make us doubt ourselves and can hate us more than their worst enemy. None of that makes anything your sister has said to be true. She’s said what she’s said because she knows it will cause you the maximum amount of hurt possible. And she’s achieved her aim. My point is that her words are nothing to do with you. I don’t mean that they’re none of your business. I mean that she has created this email etc specifically to hurt you, and that all reflects on her, and the way she handles her own emotions. I’d guess that she has some of her own issues going on, even if they can’t be compared with what you’ve gone through, and that she’s trying to make herself feel better by taking her feelings out on you. But it’s not your responsibility to be her punching bag, or to help her regulate her emotions. Your responsibility is to yourself and to ensuring that you get to have that lovely future for yourself that you’ve seen is possible.

It is possible to step away from your sister without having to lose your partner or your friends. I think you need to speak to your GP urgently and tell them how you’re feeling. You need help. This thing with your sister has knocked you back, but it’s not the end. You haven’t gone through everything you have simply to be stopped by a temper tantrum from your little sister. She does not have the power to stop you from having that lovely life you’ve seen for yourself. That power is in your hands, and yours alone.

The answer is you can't without causing hurt to those who love you. But you can go non-contact with your sister. Im so sorry this has happened to you. It says much, much more about your sister than it does you. She is probably the victim of abuse too. But you have chosen to make your life better, you are an amazing, strong young woman to have gained qualifications, you have a loving partner and you are still in your early twenties...you have so much living to do. This is a set back but you will get through it. You may need to ask for help but with support you can do it

You sound lovely OP and we need more not less lovely people in the world. So how can you help yourself heal from the harm your sister has done and emerge stronger? Imagine building a cocoon for yourself where you only let kind and nurturing things in while you heal. You have withdrawn, but instead of focusing on the cause of the hurt try focusing on taking care of yourself whether it’s time spent reading, watching something or giving yourself a manicure. Sometimes the act of creating something like a piece of knitting or embroidery can be helpful. Just an holding space while you heal. After a while the intense feelings will pass and you will begin to feel better and a bit stronger to plan your future. The one that is about you and and your own goals and people that support you. You need to literally take care of yourself for the immediate time. This will pass.

Well your sister and you have been raised in an abusive household she is a victim too and acting out. Doesn't make it ok though.

Reduce contact as much as possible, go to the GP for therapy and meds / change of meds.

Get in touch with relevant charities and see if they can help. It would be an awful shame to end it all because of a shitty start. You can overcome it, you just need the right support in place.

You are worth so much more than feeling like this

Do something like ending your own life- then she won. Why let her win?

You have a fella that loves you and good things happening - driving test etc- she's probably screwed up with envy, with all that you have that she hasn't.

Hold your head up and look forward, not down. Put distncebetween you - remember, she can only hurt you if you let her

I think you should disappear for sure, as in cut off your sister and find somewhere to live independently without her. You definitely don’t need to die over this. I think tell yourself that before you think about hurting yourself you need to give yourself one proper chance to live life. That might mean moving out and seeing what life is like, before making any permanent decisions.

Also give your sister a pass sometimes for your own sake, not hers. Chances are she may have experienced some abuse too, so she isn’t pleasant to be around. I’d forgive her but tell yourself you won’t tolerate any more from her. Keep her at a distance. Tell yourself she has her own issues. But don’t let her bring you down.

Firstly, show this post to your boyfriend. Tell him what you are thinking and ask if he and you could move to another area together.

Please stop contact with your sister altogether and work towards moving out of your mother's house asap.

I promise you that it WILL get better, but while you continue to live at home it's pretty hard.

I had v traumatic experiences as a kid and teen. When I left home I honestly felt re-traumatised just going near my old house. I had to limit seeing my mum to just once every few months initially as more than that was very de-stabilising. I just could not have lived with her as an adult, it would have destroyed me.

Please don't make any decision to end your life right now. You are still in the trauma if you are in contact with your sister and living at home.

Set a goal for the future in terms of where you want to be, and work towards it. Involve your boyfriend and move out of home as soon as possible.

Please please take care of yourself OP. Wishing you well 💐💐💐💐

You need to completely cut your sister out of your life

And probably your mum too for a while because she seems allow your sister to carry on being so utterly vile to you

Just don't open emails from them

Don't answer calls from them

Just say you need a break if they persist and if they don't understand why then you know you're doing the right thing

You have more chapters to your life

If you can save the money you should go travelling to Thailand for a few months.

It will recharge you, reinvent you, it will just affirm to you that there is a different world and life beyond what you've experienced.

Move on to the next chapters of your life.

Please don't, there's so many more people out there that love you - don't ponder too much on tomorrow, just get through today 🤗🤗
Oh and I just want to say "I bloody love Mumsnetters", the support from fellow posters is astounding 🙌

Talk to your partner about how you feel.

Go non contact with your sister, block her calls, email, texts.

If you disappear your problems will come with you, I know. A new start elsewhere can be refreshing and it can lighten some of the baggage. Talk to your partner about a new start somewhere.

You are loved. You matter.

You might not love yourself, but you can learn to. You can build a life without your sister.

The combination of the text and the email is harassment. I had someone trying to contact me who I didn't want contact from. I wrote to them and said it was harassment and any further contact I would go to the police.

DO you really want to end your life? Or do you just want the hurt to stop?

You can't sweetheart. They love you and you'd hurt them tremendously and scar them for life. So, now you know that isn't an option, think about what is. You know you can be happy. You've felt that and it's still there for you. You are feeling very unwell, and your mind isn't being your friend at the moment, so you need to surround yourself with people who are your friend, your partner and best friend, and let them cushion and protect you while you get help to get better. Reach out to your partner tell him what you've said here and ask him to support you to see a doctor. This is not your fault. You have value and you are loved. You are just not very well.

You can ask your sister to never contact you again and if she does repeat her to the police for harrassment. Can you move out of the home you share with her?

You poor pet.
Contact Women's aid and ask for help.
You need to get out of that house and stay as far away from your toxic sister.
Space from your mother would be good too.
Life will get better when you cut toxic people out.