Just what it says really. I need advice.
To give background- I’m in my early twenties. I was abused as a child by my father and had other traumatic events like bullying and other things in my life. Abused physically, sexually, everything really you can think of. Verbal, financial etc by partners and my father.
suffer with anxiety, severe depression and a whole host of other issues.
anyways my mental health was quite good recently which is very very rare for me so I was very pleased and actually got to a point where I was enjoying life. I have my hobbies, my driving test is coming next year, I worked my way up to qualifications after leaving school with zilch due to a huge breakdown, I have a best friend and an amazing partner. Recently my sister and me stopped talking because I just can’t get on with her she’s very abusive emotionally and verbally I just can’t interact with her she’s a horrible piece of work. Last week Thursday I was texting my mother and she went on my mother’s phone and called me the C word. Then I logged onto my email later to check an email and my sister had sent me an email saying how my life is a shortcoming, my relationship is trash etc and how my life is basically crap and hers is good. I didn’t answer even though it was tempting and I treat her like air (completely ignore her but don’t retaliate to her huffing when she sees me and the door slamming) to me just existing. She is 19 for context and we both live with my mother.
I thought I had got over it but I haven’t. The past few days I’ve been sleeping non stop, wanting to withdraw from people, having such depressive thoughts and I self harmed the other night. Feel so alone and like a waste of space I am believing she’s right in what she’s saying. Someone else commented something nasty so if people wish to do that please just keep your opinion to yourselves and leave this thread- can’t do anymore nastiness or snide remarks from anyone. Since this happened I’ve just felt so depressed and don’t want anything in life I feel my life isn’t worth living and like a dot just floating alone in life. I really am thinking of suicide and it would end all my problems BUT I know that it would devastate my partner. He is such a kind man that always puts me first and has been there through my hardest times. I love him to death and I love my best friend and family but I just can’t deal with the pain anymore it seems my sister won’t be happy until I’m away for good or dead. I actually hate her. How do I vanish or die without upsetting anyone too much especially my boyfriend, omg I’m tearing up while typing this I’m so down and upset. I was thinking maybe go away to a different town and blag that it’s for work then just fade off contact? If anyone has genuine advice of any sort then that would really be helpful I’m sorry just don’t know where to turn
thanks in advance