A man in a mental health group gave me an unwanted gift

[Aquacrab]

I don't know if I'm overreacting here?

A man in a mental health group gave me an unwanted gift and now I feel uncomfortable about going back to the group.

I had started going to a group where we do craft activities recently and went there for about 6 weeks (one day a week). I enjoyed working away on my own craft project.

We barely spoke but gradually a man sitting at my table talked more and more to me. He seemed quiet and nervous.

We were making general conversation and at one point I made it clear to him that I don't date men. On a different day, he told me his ex girlfriend reported him to the police for assaulting her and told me she was lying about it. I do not know her so do not know her side of the story.

About two weeks later, he was about to leave the building. He always left about half an hour before the actual activity group was meant to end. He told me he wanted to give me something and that if I didn't take it he was just going to throw it in the bin. It was an item of jewellery (worth approximately £15). I was taken aback and felt awkward so asked him if he was sure he wants to just give it away? He was adamant, so I said ok, accepted it, said thank you very much and told him that was very kind of him. He then left the building.

Initially, I went home thinking that was kind of him. When I inspected the item more closely at home, it turned out a small part of it was actually broken. In order to even wear it, I'd have to get it repaired. I feel silly for having accepted it from him in the first place. Like, as soon as he presented an item of jewellery I should have rejected it even though he said he was going to throw it in the bin. Honestly though, I'm wondering if his actions were manipulative. Because I felt put in a position.

I thought more about it several weeks later and started to feel uncomfortable. Wondering how it ended up broken like that.. especially given that he's told me his ex accused him of assaulting her? Wondering if it used to belong to her etc.

I haven't been back to the group as I've been unwell. But I would have liked to go back to continue craft activities. But, it would mean I have to see him again and sit near him (there's literally no way to just move to another seat and the room is quite small).

Am I overreacting in feeling uncomfortable to be near him again?

Is there a facilitator at the group? I would talk to them about it.
I would also give him back the jewellery if he is there, and tell him you have rethought it and are not comfortable receiving gifts from acquaintances. If he says he will throw it away, say that's up to him. Then grey rock him.
I know it's hard, but please don't miss out on an activity you enjoy and that helps you.

I don’t think you’re over reacting to have some concern about this. It’s a shame it’s complicated going to what sounds like a good thing that you were enjoying. Is there any kind of group leader who is wise enough to talk it through with. They might also know how careful you need to be regarding him. It’s hard to know if it’s manipulative in intent, and how consciously. Maybe try going again and see what it’s like and just make sure you can leave safely and he doesn’t follow you home. Hopefully just making it clear you’re not interested if he was hoping for more than friendship will be enough and he’ll take it on the chin.

Agree with pp that I’ve just seen that handing back the gift might be good

This sounds upsetting. I don't think you are wrong to feel uncomfortable. I'm afraid I don't think it was a kind impulse on his part, I think he wanted to get into your head, and he's done that.

Does anyone leading the group get in touch with you at all? Or is it purely set up on a drop-in basis?

If I'm honest I would get in touch with the organiser and say that you would like to go at a different time. Maybe ask if they are considering a women-only session.

I can see why you feel uncomfortable. I agree with PPs about talking to the group leader.
Practice some phrases you could use if anything else happens with a friend or in the bathroom mirror. Phrases that are polite and short without explanation. "No thanks, I don't want a present." "I don't want to hear about that."
Hope that you get this sorted and can enjoy the group again.

Thanks everyone. I think I'm going to ask the facilitator to give the item back to the man for me. I don't think I'm going to go back to the group. I'd still have to be near that man and I don't want to. I feel that he was quite manipulative by saying if I didn't take the item, he would throw it in the bin. There are other women in the group who he has known for a lot longer than myself but he gave the item to me. Knowing that his ex has reported him for assault has me feeling anxious to be in the same room as him again. I had also wondered about the fact he leaves half an hour before everyone else too. He could have been watching when I leave the place without me knowing and he could have potentially followed me too. I'm not in a place where I feel able to deal with unwanted attention like that. It makes me very uncomfortable knowing he might have feelings for me. I am going to look for another group when feeling up to it. I understand that some women would just brush it off and go back but I have been through a lot in my life and personally experienced being assaulted by males in the past. I guess it has triggered all that for me too.

If you are concerned about him coming after you if he's previously managed to find out where you live, why risk humiliating him by getting the organiser to hand the gift back?

I'd just give it to a charity shop.

Would you consider going to a self defence class to help build your confidence up and perhaps empower you?

You were very meek in accepting the gift even though you felt uncomfortable when it would have been perfectly ok to say, no thank you I don't want it.

You need to be able to assert yourself if you want to lead a more happier and confident life and a self defence class might help you.

This is an unfortunate situation, it’s uncomfortable to receive a gift under these circumstances, although I wouldnt be surprised if the guy didn’t mean anything by it and probably would have thrown it in the bin. Men often aren’t that socially aware.

Hmm. I think this man knows exactly what he’s doing and OP is correct that he’s manipulative. We should stop minimising men’s behaviour.

I hope you’re ok OP. It’s such a shame that you now feel you can’t attend this group, but I hope you find another that helps you.

Thank you.

Honestly, it's made me feel so anxious and uncomfortable. I just wanted to do some craft stuff to help me relax, build some confidence being around people after a long time isolating. Get myself out of the house.

Looking for something else to do but will be making sure it's something that's managed in a way that doesn't make me feel unsafe, i.e. monitored the whole time by the facilitator. Perhaps a women only group as I feel even less safe around men now.

The risk you run without him getting the item back, either directly from you or through the group facilitator, is that he will still be of the impression that you have kept it and could be of the mind one day to ask for it back, and could turn nasty. The leaving half an hour early sounds hinky with your descriptions. Out of context, one might say he just has to catch a bus or train, but with what you’ve said, nah.

Ensure the item gets back to him, by whatever means you are comfortable with, and then either grey rock if you do go back or find a different group.

Could you ask the facilitator to arrange a different seat/table for you, or is the room so small that you are all sitting on the 1 table?

He might leave early to catch a train/bus, or have to wait another hour for the next one? Hard to know?

If you don't want to return, ask the facilitator if they have similar/same classes in another town nearby.

The room is too small for me to be able to be further away from him in it. It would be strange to grey rock him because the others are friendly and chatty and if they saw me ignore him only they'd think I was being rude. It would probably create an atmosphere if I done that actually.

It could just be that he has a bus to catch so leaves early. It just made me wonder but definitely that could be the reason.

There's actually two days the group is on and he goes to both days and kept asking me if I was going to the group on the other day and I just told him that I wasn't because I was busy doing something else each time.

He asked me where I live and I told him the area and I wish I hadn't done that. But he asked me that before giving me the item.

OP, listen to your gut. I see no reason to return the item. Chuck it in the bin. And find another activity or another time to do it. The fact that this man’s ex partner reported him for assault is a huge red flag. Protect yourself.

Thank you.

Have to agree, it's the fact he told me that his ex reported him for assaulting her. He mentioned it on more than one occasion that she was lying about it, seemed keen to convince me. It was probably the strangest part in it all. We barely knew each other and I wondered why he shared that information with me.

He shared that information with you because he thinks he has a chance of a relationship with you.

You are quite right to listen to your gut. The craft group sounds awesome and it's a shame that you feel possibly unable to return. I would call the facilitator to explain and ask if there are women only groups available . Your concerns are obviously reasonable.

I'm angry on your behalf that he's put you in this position.

Love bombing you with gifts. All part of the cycle of abuse. Report him

See, whatever his motives were, he still made me feel uncomfortable. The particular design of the item and the way it is broken is really strange, too. I don't want to give more detail but it's definitely odd. I think most people would agree.

Yes definitely return it, maybe via the group leader. It's a way for him to feel you owe him something, even just a conversation.

I'd bin it and change groups sharpish.

Some years ago I was an out patient at The Priory (for depression). An inpatient there gave me a gift worth at least £100. I didn’t want it but felt very embarrassed to decline it. One of the things that is hammered home there is boundaries and I was counselled to reject the gift. I don’t have to explain myself, I hadn’t requested it and I was completely free to say no. It wasn’t a conversation without awkwardness but the giver shouldn’t have bought the gift in the first place and that was not my problem

Shortly afterwards (that week) the gift giver was moved to another facility.

Deep breath, this is on him, not you. Give it back, tell him you don’t feel it’s appropriate. Learning to hold your boundary is part of recovery ❤️❤️

Thanks. I've taken your advice. I think it's the best thing I can do.

There's not much point in me reporting him because he technically hasn't really done anything wrong. It wasn't like the group had rules against gift giving or talking about your violent past, after all.

I'm definitely not going to go there or see him again. I'm actually scared of him.