How to not care about my ex's words

[CryingIntoTheDark]

So, how do you not care? He says these words which he knows will upset me, people tell me to ignore him but it just gets into my head & I believe every word that he says. Why? Why can't I just let it wash over me?

I'm having such a hard time. Really struggling. We have a social worker involved due to my children (previous thread, different name) & she's not supportive at all (although she did give me a mini pep talk over the phone whilst I sobbed earlier) but she, again, just tells me to ignore him & to leave the past alone, I'm only bringing up the past because my ex is using it to hurt me.

Everything is so hard. Does anybody have any advice?

His words, presumably unpleasant words,are a reflection of him, his values, his dysfunction and toxicity
Don't be defined by someone else's dysfunction
The only way they would reflect who you are is if you used them
You didn't, he did

Go NC with him, he's not for you

Sorry you are struggling

Stop, physically stop, him being able to say anything. Block him on all SM and if you happen to see him stick earbuds in or if necessary stick your fingers in your ears and go "tra-la-la-laaa - I can't hear you". His words are as unnecessary as those of a deranged drunk on a bench.

Thank you PayYoyrselfFirst I can't ever not speak to him because of the children. This is why it's so hard.

You can speak to him, you don't have to listen to him other than words relating to the children. Channel your inner Catherine Tate...

Eyesopenwideawake It's like, when you are with somebody, you tell them the thing that bothers/upsets/you are scared of the most. And then when you split, every time he's annoyed with me (which is frequently) he then brings up this thing, tells me that it's happening & will continue to happen, but it's going to be much worse than I thought.

Sometimes I can tell him that he's talking nonsense but 95% of the time it just gets in to my head.

Go to an app like FamilyWizard -all communication goes through that
No texts, emails or conversations outside it.
His communications to you will be saved and can be used in court.

He is still abusing you - this will stop him as he knows it will be documented.

PayYourselfFirst Is that easy to do? I've told the Social worker that he's still abusing me (I've spoken to women's aid) but she just says that we should both ignore each other, & then I think 'Am I wrong then? Is it not abuse, because she's not concerned'

Yes it's an app you download
You know he's doing it to be nasty-thats enough
Trust yourself
You do not have to tolerate this-get the app and tell him that from today all communication will be via this.
The end

I absolutely understand. I think most of us have experienced what you're going though and it's shit. Before absorbing his words, try to imagine you have a forcefield around you and they are just bouncing off, unable to hit you. You can see his mouth moving but the words aren't reaching your heart.

Also think why he's doing this; he's doing whatever he can to hurt you because you've rejected him as being unworthy of you, not good enough, lacking. No matter what he says, that won't change.

Remember the classic quote from True Romance "he's not worth one of your tears".

Thank you PayYourselfFirst I'll have a look. We did once try to do all communication through my mum but it didn't even last one day before he was saying her her 'Can you just agree with me that she's in the wrong for this'... Etc & my mum said that she couldn't do it (fair enough)

Thank you for your kindness Eyesopenwideawake I havn't heard that saying before.
I've been crying so much today. Everything has just got on top of me.

Ugh he sounds awful
One thing with these type of men is they can never take responsibility, they are emotionally immature and NEVER change

So you change, you recognise that he's harming you mentally so put a stop to it.
He doesn't care, he's doing it on purpose so don't give him the opportunity.

Thank you for being kind. I thought about ringing the Samaritans earlier but I didn't want to sound pathetic & didn't really know how to say what the problem was.

I've been doing 'ok' lately & these last few days (where my ex has been annoyed with me) have set me right back.

Think of it this way
He knows which buttons to.press to hurt you-hes repeatedly jabbing those buttons because you are doing OK.
He's lost control of you
So there he is jab jab jab.

No doubt when you react he will pounce, calling you wrong, crazy, mad

Cover those buttons Op
Keep him at arms length

He does, PayYourselfFirst. It's so hard because I know what he's doing but also can't stop myself being upset.

He also doesn't like me having support. He will be annoyed that the Social worker phoned me today & the school Learning support (she phoned me because I was in tears in her office yesterday, away from my kids) & then I'll think 'See, people do care & they don't agree with what he says, he's wrong' & then he will send another text or it will just play over in my mind & I think 'But maybe he's right & they do actually agree'.

He does, PayYourselfFirst. It's so hard because I know what he's doing but also can't stop myself being upset

It's normal to be upset if someone is deliberately abusing you.

It's also normal to put yourself first and limit contact with someone you know is going to repeatedly do this.
It's like putting your hand in the fire when you know it will burn you.

You seem to be seeking validation from others when you know he is harmful to you
It's not who is right or wrong

hes abusive, you know this
Abusers always blame everyone else
Trust yourself

Ps
Stop telling him anything about your life
He's your ex

It's not me telling him PayYourselfFirst. The Social worker usually tells him when she's spoken to me, & my kids told him that I'd been in the office at school & who with.

I do seek validation after he tells me things about what others think about me, yes.

I know that I need to try harder not to care.

Move ALL communication onto a parenting app. One of the ones that is court approved.

Absolutely refuse to interact/speak/be in his presence.

Things I was told by counsellors and psychologists that helped me:

"That's your opinion. I see it differently" and steer the discussion back to the children. Don't ever discuss anything that isn't child-related.

I think you don't try not to care at all, but rather you learn to process it and not absorb the content of the words.

It is a shame that he's like this. He says hurtful things. You find that upsetting.

But you are a better person and he is the one who has to live with himself. Sensible people will see him for who he is. The content of his words are a reflection of his character not yours.

And yes to any suggestions above about ways to block with technology or limiting discussions.

Ring Samaritans whenever you want. You are dealing with regular conflict, that's a big deal.

Thank you everybody for answering me.
I think that I probably need to see a counsellor myself but I just can't afford it, I've done the talking therapy that the GP offers previously (CBT) & it just didn't help at all. I had a couple of sessions with my child's counsellor (we had some funded sessions & my child refused the last 3) & I did think that it helped.

I can't engage at all because if I tell him that I see it another way then he says the thing about how he must be right because everybody else agrees with him & that gets in my head (& that's why I was trying to ask the Social worker yesterday if they are all discussing how awful I am behind my back, because I just believe him)

And he says that it is related to the children because me being a terrible person affects them.

Anyway, I'm glad that I started the thread. I had a wobble & a few more tears at bedtime but I'm not too bad today.

If you have time, have a look at a few of Jefferson Fisher's shorts on FB - https://www.facebook.com/justaskjefferson

Please move to an App, he won't be keen to write stuff like that where you can evidence it.

On the app you would only reply to stuff you HAVE to such as a pick up time, severe illness of the child etc.

It's very good for grey rocking abusers.

Thank you RandomMess I'll give it a try.