How to not care about my ex's words

[CryingIntoTheDark]

So, how do you not care? He says these words which he knows will upset me, people tell me to ignore him but it just gets into my head & I believe every word that he says. Why? Why can't I just let it wash over me?

I'm having such a hard time. Really struggling. We have a social worker involved due to my children (previous thread, different name) & she's not supportive at all (although she did give me a mini pep talk over the phone whilst I sobbed earlier) but she, again, just tells me to ignore him & to leave the past alone, I'm only bringing up the past because my ex is using it to hurt me.

Everything is so hard. Does anybody have any advice?

My SiL's ex is a real piece of work. She was forever on the phone in tears over what he was saying to her. She then got some kind of Ap so she no longer has any kind of interaction with him. She is in a much better place not having to deal with him.

He will likely object and kick off as he'll hate losing the power but stand firm.

REFUSE to speak to him "due to his verbal nastiness". Literally grey rock, "you need to use the app". Ensure you aren't alone with him. Put your hand up in front of his face if he tries to speak to you.

How are handovers for contact handled at the moment, when is he getting a chance to say this stuff?

Thank you. I don't actually know anybody who uses an App but then I don't know anybody who's ex does this.

It's 90% through text. Yesterday he was saying things about back when we first got together, so 14 years ago, & trying to prove how awful I am with those examples.

Why the hell did he ever stay with me & have 2 kids with me then? When he clearly cannot stand me & never could.

The other thing that he does is, he tends to say 'I will be there at 5' & then turn up at 4.30/6.00 so the kids either aren't ready or they were but they've now got bored & I have to round them up, find their stuff again, they need a wee etc, so he comes in. & then whenever he's next angry with me, he will be text me picking apart every little thing that I said to the kids during that time, & why it was wrong.

If he turns up early he waits around the corner until the agreed time.

If he turns up late go out with the DC and he misses contact.

Take the power back.

Do you have a court order yet?

Stop the texts. App only.

I second listening to Jefferson Fisher - he has excellent ideas of calm but direct things to say

Get on a parenting planning app asap so everything goes through that. It should stop the personal insults as he will know it is all recorded

Don't believe a word he says about what other people think of you. He is just planting nasty seeds of doubt

Every time he brings it up refute it
"That's not what they say"
"They tell me different "
"I don't believe you"
"Your opinion means nothing"
"Laugh"
Every time.

His behaviour says everything about him and nothing about you
You are better than him - and he hates that!

RandomMess I can't make him miss his contact because my eldest wouldn't be able to handle the change (the reason the Social worker is involved, she has got their dad to step up slightly but things have to be as rigid as they can for my eldest. If it's dad's time, then it's dad's time)

We don't have a court order. I waver because nobody else seems to think that these things are bad & then I think that I'm overreacting/being sensitive or whatever.

jackstini Thank you, I will do.

On the app you ignore all his digs altogether, or grey rock with "this is for contact arrangements only". You can do the thumbs up emoji as much as possible.

You can tell him he is to wait out of sight until the agreed time so as not to upset X.

Thank you for your posts RandomMess It's such a lonely place to be in. I've just stopped trying to tell people what's happening now, & keep it all in.

I did do the thumbs up emoji about 20 times yesterday, but I still read them.

Be rest assured the thumbs up emoji will have pissed him off 🤣

I second read up on grey rocking. It takes practice but in time it works wonders. He will get so bored of you he will look for someone else to wind up or be abusive to. You need to be prepared in your own mind to let him go as some people can't help but need the interaction to keep going because you've been so conditioned by it. A part of you may hope he'll change you see. He won't.

If you can't use the app, go to email. You don't talk about a single thing at all except the details regarding kids and drop off and pick up. Opinions, thoughts, feelings are never ever discussed. Don't tell him anything.

I'd look at the social worker as someone you can't really trust emotionally unfortunately. You can't trust any of them really with regard your personal feedback and not sharing it with him or others.

Call the Samaritans. I'm on speed dial there! They're great. They listen to all sorts. It's in your best interest to keep your feelings here away from anyone who will tell him.

If he says anything at all like ' I think x,y,z etc etc about you ' don't reply.

Thank you Tittat50 I will have a look at Grey rock. I can't imagine him ever getting bored of this. I think it's the highlight of his life.

I will bear that in mind, I did used to want him to change just so that we could be civil, but that's long gone now. It's actually nice when the kids tell me that he has a meeting or he's with his GF or something, because then I know that my phone will be silent.

Yes I know that the Social worker tells him things that I'd rather she didn't, so I tell her as little as possible (about this) now. I don't want to go into what happened on Friday but it lead to everything coming to a head & that's why everybody was checking up on me, even though I told the social worker twice through email that I did NOT want to speak to her.

I'm nervous of calling any helpline because I just feel like I should he able to handle this situation without needing help. I don't want them to think that I'm silly. I know that what he's saying isn't true (well sometimes I do, sometimes I think it is true)

That's what helplines are for - to help people exactly like you in situations exactly like yours.

I think he’s lost the privilege of waiting inside your house for the kids to be ready when he’s picking them up. Leave him on the doorstep/in his car. Tell him that this is what is happening now and don’t leave any space for a rebutal. He has been rude to you many times during handovers and you’ve decided you don’t wish to listen to it anymore so the kids will come out to him. The kids will be ready on time if he turns up on time, or he’ll have to wait 5 minutes if he’s early or late. Enlist someone to run interference for you the first few handovers. Your dad? A super talkative and helpful friend. Someone who will stand out with him and chat about him/themselves/the weather/the football any old nonsense for 5 minutes while the kids are getting their shoes on etc.

Thank you LittleshopofTriffids There isn't anybody to help with handovers but I'll see how we get on.

He's been quiet today so at least there's that. Hasn't stopped me overthinking everything that's happened the last few days though.