Suicidal and scared

[bookishmumof5]

I'm scaring myself at the moment. I've suffered with depression for 15 years and have had some low points but this is the worst.

I'm going through an awful breakup from the man I fell truly in love with. He doesn't want to be with me anymore and I can't take the pain. It's tipping me over the edge.

I feel so damn selfish. I have kids and I can't bare the thought of leaving them without a mum (their dad has no involvement.) I'm scared to get help in case I lose my kids. I'm scared of what will happen if I don't get help. There's no-one to look after them if I go to hospital.

I've spent all morning looking at ways to make a plan and I'm terrified. I don't know that I'd go through with it, for the guilt I'd feel. But at the same time, I don't know how to live with this pain.

People keep saying it will take time. I don't want to give it time. I want the pain to stop. I feel utterly worthless, undeserving of love (my ex husband was abusive, and my now ex boyfriend decided he can't be with me even though he loves me.)

I have panic attacks every time I leave the house. I can't focus on anything. I just hurt so so much. I'm not scared to die. I'm scared of what will happen if I ask for help.

Oh love, we're really sorry to hear you're feeling this way.
We hope that you will be given good advice and support from other Mumsnetters, but we just wanted to add some links to organisations which may be able to give you some help in real life too.
First of all, here's a link to our Mental Health resources. There are many organisations listed which can provide you with some support. If you're feeling very low, you can contact the Samaritans, any time, by emailing [email protected]
or by calling 116 123.
You can also get help from a text service called Shout 85258. Its trained volunteers are available all hours of the day and night to listen and support you to get to a calmer and safe place. It's a free, confidential, anonymous service for anyone in the UK and it won’t appear on your phone bill.
And finally, here's a link to Mind's pages on Tips for everyday living and How to improve your mental wellbeing.
Sending good wishes, OP.

You are deserving of your children's love, and they need you to stay in their lives. I'm sorry this man has let you down - do you have friends or family you can turn to right now?

I know that considering the future seems impossible at the moment but just try to imagine if your daughter or your son came to you in 5/10/15 years time wanting to end their life because a relationship had ended - what would you say to them? What words would you use? How would you persuade them to stay, because you would, with every fibre of your being.

Use those same words, that same love and compassion for yourself. Today and tomorrow and for as long as you need to.

It will get easier, one hour one day at a time
ring your doctor and explain your scared talk to someone you trust please, your kids need you and you need help
you don’t have to face this alone

Hi @bookishmumof5
Can you please let me know how you are doing?

I'm struggling. In a big big way. Going round in circles in my head thinking about what I've lost and don't know how to cope with never getting it back.

I think I'm going to call the crisis line tonight. Although I have an appointment booked with my GP tomorrow so perhaps it can wait.

I haven't eaten since Monday morning, and I'm getting maybe 3 hours of sleep a night which I know isn't helping me feel any better. But I can't face food and I can't fall asleep. I'm so lost.