My plan to rebuild my mental

[greycrocs]

Well… I say it is a plan but I don’t really have any plan at the moment.

But more importantly, after seeing a post on this board that massively inspired me yesterday, I no longer have a plan to end my own life.

This is progress.

The suicidal feelings are still there as in I want to stop the mental torture I’m in, but as someone pointed out to me yesterday, it’s not that I want to stop living, I want to stop living the life I have now.

I would massively appreciate any pointers or any support from anyone who could guide me to get to a better place.

The reason I am in this place is complex, and I should probably point out that I have diagnosed ADHD alongside Generalised Anxiety Disorder and Depression. But I’ve felt low now for around 5 years since I have PND after the birth of my youngest child.

I’m a single mum to three kids after my ex was unfaithful during my last pregnancy. I was strong enough to get him to leave, but that seemed to take the last of my strength.

I desperately need to move on with my life but I feel so stuck. For the last few years, ex has rarely parented (we’re talking a couple of hours a month) and I just find that 24/7 solo parenting is taking (one child is disabled) is so draining. All of my reserves are done and as DC is disabled I will probably always have a child at home leaving me no time at all for me.

I just don’t know how I will go on living this life for another 30/40 years. It physically hurts. I feel so unloved and unlovable.

The thing that has probably tipped me over the edge this week is the fact that EX-DH has a new partner (not OW) and is now filing for shared care of the children. They were literally the only reason I get up in the morning and I am terrified of everyhing. Terrified he’ll win. Terrified he’ll use my mental health against me and terrified that I will lose my children.

I’m also ashamed of myself for still being in love with ex-dh even after everything and I am bitterly jealous thay he has seemingly seemlessly moved on whilst I am still massively struggling.

If shared care is going to happen, don’t let the bastards get you down. It’s not a win / lose situation. Men should do 50% of the hard work and mental load.

Use it to your advantage - that’s time for you to rest or focus on improving anything you want.

@greycrocs how are you doing lovely?

Hi @GardenGuardian

I’m ok-ish.

I’m still in the hospital and still feeling mostly numb, but that could be the medication. However I’m no longer feeling suicidal exactly, more of a ‘this will all end if I wasn’t alive’. No plans to end my life, so I see this as progress.

I do have a determination to get out of here and get my DC back. I want to feel ok again for me, but also the kids. They need stability. EX-H has given DC to my family to look after as solo parenting for a couple of weeks was all too much for him. Ironic really as I’ve had to do it for years because of him.

Social workers get a bad rep but this one has been nice and is trying to find ways I can get some respite/carers for my disabled DC. This could really help me.

Hi @greycrocs just want you to know you have been on my mind the last few weeks since you first posted . I know it’s hard right now . I’ve been in hospital myself but you’re in the right place to get better. You will get your DC back , you’re poorly , not crazy. And you’re right , the professionals do get a bad rep but like yours mine have been amazing. Always here if you want to talk xx

@greycrocs really happy to hear from you 🥰