My plan to rebuild my mental

[greycrocs]

Well… I say it is a plan but I don’t really have any plan at the moment.

But more importantly, after seeing a post on this board that massively inspired me yesterday, I no longer have a plan to end my own life.

This is progress.

The suicidal feelings are still there as in I want to stop the mental torture I’m in, but as someone pointed out to me yesterday, it’s not that I want to stop living, I want to stop living the life I have now.

I would massively appreciate any pointers or any support from anyone who could guide me to get to a better place.

The reason I am in this place is complex, and I should probably point out that I have diagnosed ADHD alongside Generalised Anxiety Disorder and Depression. But I’ve felt low now for around 5 years since I have PND after the birth of my youngest child.

I’m a single mum to three kids after my ex was unfaithful during my last pregnancy. I was strong enough to get him to leave, but that seemed to take the last of my strength.

I desperately need to move on with my life but I feel so stuck. For the last few years, ex has rarely parented (we’re talking a couple of hours a month) and I just find that 24/7 solo parenting is taking (one child is disabled) is so draining. All of my reserves are done and as DC is disabled I will probably always have a child at home leaving me no time at all for me.

I just don’t know how I will go on living this life for another 30/40 years. It physically hurts. I feel so unloved and unlovable.

The thing that has probably tipped me over the edge this week is the fact that EX-DH has a new partner (not OW) and is now filing for shared care of the children. They were literally the only reason I get up in the morning and I am terrified of everyhing. Terrified he’ll win. Terrified he’ll use my mental health against me and terrified that I will lose my children.

I’m also ashamed of myself for still being in love with ex-dh even after everything and I am bitterly jealous thay he has seemingly seemlessly moved on whilst I am still massively struggling.

You are going to be ok, you really are.
I'm one for practical solutions first so what help is available to you? You mentioned last night that you spoke to the crisis team, is there any thing that can do beyond being that front line support? And can you talk to your doctors about how you are feeling so they can hopefully help adjust any meds? Is there any respite care available through your disabled child?
My hunch is that a man who cheats on a pregnant partner and who then barely sees his kids isn't in practice going to parent 50/50. It might help to call his bluff by starting a list of what that's got to mean in practice - the specific care your disabled child needs, school runs, sorting doctors appointments etc. If it does get as far as joint custody then people will be able to help you find the benefits in that too. As hard as it will be being away from them, having some time to yourself might be really helpful to give you time to rest and recuperate and to get boring life shit sorted without interruptions.
Plenty of time for all of that though so for now just focus on what will help you most today. Cup of tea and a biscuit, to start with the cliches? Or a big cathartic cry? Or a walk for some fresh air if you don't have the grey clouds that are looming here?
Far too many questions in this post - sorry! But again, you've got this. You're a fucking warrior to be raising three kids alone, let alone with added hurdles.

Oh, one more question. Would you feel ok if you, or I, post a link to this thread in the other one? There are people there who want to help you

I found you @greycrocs!
Definitely share a link on @isittoolatea’s thread if she doesn’t mind

Hi greycrocs.
So proud of you for posting a thread. You should be proud of yourself too .
I’m so sorry to hear your going through a tough time and I know the feeling of wanting the mental torture to end .
I just want to let you know that there is so much support out there for you please take everything you can with both hands .
I’m also now a single mum to 3 children although my eldest is 18 now but he’s still my child and always will be .
Men are shits , I’m sorry if any men are reading this but I’ve completely lost my faith and humanity in them .
Are you on any medication?
You’re definitely not unloved or unlovable , you like me just love the wrong person . Your kids love you and you sound like a great mum .
Your story sounds abit similar to mine , my ex has also met somebody else which i strongly believe has been going on a fair while . Have you ever heard the phrase ‘let them’?
I very much doubt your ex will get 50/50 if he hasn’t had much involvement in your children’s lives .
And just so you know I also and (part of me) still do worry that I will lose my youngest to him but I have been told by my mental health worker and also domestic abuse team that you will not lose your children because of mental health problems and they are the experts and deal with this sort of thing everyday .
I also still love my ex even tho he’s an absolute shit head but my sister said something to me today . She said ‘if he doesn’t deserve you at your worst he definitely doesn’t deserve you at your best’.
I know the jealous feeling also , it eats me up inside and keeps me awake at night but I know it won’t last forever .
What have the crisis team said? Can they arrange a mental health worker for you? I’m only asking this because when I was seeing the crisis team I found it draining having to speak to different people each time they came to see me . I now mainly only deal with one mental health worker and it’s a lot easier and I feel comfortable telling her all my problems .
And just remember ‘it’s ok if you don’t know where your life is going to take you , what’s more important is that you have the courage to find out’
xx

I don’t mind xx

I found you too @greycrocs!

How have you been today? You took such a brave step last night, you really did. I hope you’re proud of yourself for that x

You also sound like you have been through so much and have so much going on. It can feel overwhelming and like there’s no way out, but one step at a time and you’ll get there I promise xx

I can’t help with advice to do with co-parenting, or even parenting at all really as that didn’t happen for me, but I can still be part of your cheer squad!

It's taken a while but finally I've found you @greycrocs . So glad to see you've started a thread and reached out for help. We have all got you and you will be okay and happier.

The chances of your ex getting shared care are pretty small and certainly won't happen immediately. Try and train your brain to prepare but not worry about things that haven't happened and might not.

Accept you still love him as no one can make you stop but it will go. He'll carry on behaving in a terrible way, he will hurt and let down the children and one day you'll realise you don't love him as you love what you thought and hoped he was. You don't love who he is.

How are you feeling today greycrocs?

Morning @greycrocs . Just wanted to say I'm thinking of you and I hope you're feeling a bit brighter today. We are here if and when you need us.

@greycrocs just checking in on you again today

Hi everyone,

Yesterday wasn’t a good day and in between the school run I just cried and cried. Everything felt insurmountable and I felt hopeless again. I didn’t feel like bringing that mood here or to anyone really as I don’t want to bring anyone down.

The Crisis Team have been really on the ball and they are sending a MH community nurse to pop in a couple of times a week. They have organised a gp appt to discuss re-starting anti-depressants. I have been reluctant to go back on medication but I think needs must so I will put my big girls pants on and go to the appt. The Crisis Team have also referred me to the wellbeing team. I’m not really sure what that is or what’s the plan but I will take any help given.

Today has been a little better. I’ve been trying to think of practical things to do that will distract me and make my life feel even a teeny bit better. So far all I could think of was decluttering and maybe going for walks so I will try and take the kids for one later.

I managed a shower today and as gross as that sounds, that in itself is progress.

You wouldn't be bringing anyone down here, you'd be giving us a chance to help you boost yourself up. I'm a big fan of crying as I think it's incredibly cathartic, so I actually think that's a good thing to hear. It'll have done you more good than trying to keep it all inside.
I'm so pleased to hear about the help from the crisis team too. You hear so much bad news about MH support in the UK but they sound like they're offering some great help there.
And that shower is great progress, of course it is. Sometimes even the smallest steps to take care of yourself can feel too much and you managed to overcome that today. That is a win.
You've got this. Just focus on those little steps and one day you'll turn around and be amazed at how far they've taken you. What does your decluttering hurdle look like? My flat has started to look like something you'd find on Hoarders so that's something I need to work on too, without it feeling overwhelming!

Hi greycrocs.
Sorry if I don’t sound as positive as I have before I’m going through the mill myself today but I will try my hardest because you matter and you are loved.
It may not sound like it but crying is good! And I like to think that it’s our bodies way of starting to heal . So let them tears fall as and when you need them to.
Your definitely not bringing anyone down , we are all here to help and support you and like somebody said to me on my thread , one day you will be here giving advice to somebody going through the same thing .
The crisis team are great but definitely ask about getting your own mental health supporter because I have one and she’s great and I have built up a rapport with her and feel more comfortable talking to her rather than several people . But whatever you find suits you then do .
I also see a wellbeing team , they are also great . They basically do what they say on the tin , they help with your wellbeing and can source other support for you . For example I have been offered courses to do such as self esteem courses . In medical terms this is what they do:
Wellbeing teams help people to think about different ways to be supported or make changes in their life. This includes self-care, technology, aids and adaptations, support from family, friends, being part of what is happening in the community, as well as services and paid support. Wellbeing Teams are part of Circle Family, providing a monthly social calendar of events and opportunities shaped by its members.
A shower is massive progress , be proud of yourself .
And remember , Rome wasn’t built in a day xx

@greycrocs this is your thread so please bring anything you want to the thread. It is what we are here for.

If you are okay trying the meds, then do but don't be pushed into it. I know I was a couple of times and it was hard. One time was a waste of time as I wasn't depressed but other times they have helped.

Hurray for a shower. It is a big deal. Everything you manage is an achievement. Well done.

Well done on getting yourself in the shower, and coming back to post, it’s really great to see you.
Setting yourself goals is also a positive thing, but make sure you set yourself up for success. Start really small and easily achievable - so for example don’t aim to declutter the whole house as that’s an enormous job and if you don’t manage you’ll beat yourself up. Don’t even start with a whole room, pick a single surface, a drawer or a cupboard, or set yourself a time limit and do as much as you can in 5 or 10 minutes, or the length of a song you like.

You are doing so well, be kind to yourself x

@greycrocs how are you?

How has today gone for you @greycrocs?

Hi @greycrocs , how are you? I've been thinking about you.

I find it helpful to start to develop self compassion and acceptance.

Sometimes we're so convinced we need to feel a different way that we end up in turmoil.

You have a difficult life, no two ways about it. You are entitled to feel drained/overwhelmed. What can you control/change? You've already started: reaching out for support. Medication review. Self compassion: View yourself through a kinder lens. Catch the negative self doubting, critical, judgemental narrative and try reframe. Notice positives when they arise- we tend to let negatives overshadow positives.

Hope your appointments go well.

Hi GardenGuardian.
Hope you’re ok ?
Im ‘I’m done’ lady and to change my username xx

I thought I would update.

A couple of days ago, it got to much I made an attempt on my own life which was interrupted. I am physically ok but I have been admitted to a psychiatric hospital and have limited access to my phone.

My children are safely with their dad and I guess the chances of me getting them back are slim to none. It should hurt but I feel so numb.

Awww I’m so sorry to hear that greycrocs.
Btw I’m Isittoolatea (I had to change my username as ex found my thread and for muu to safely I had to remove thread ).
Im not going to say I hope your ok because you won’t be right now but what I want to say is I know what your going through . I too spent 7 weeks in a psychiatric ward last year after attempting my life . The first week I felt numb , this was a mix of the medication, worrying about the future , wondering how I had got to this point and being scared .
Im so glad that your still here though and what you decided to do wasn’t successful.
You’re in the best place to try and get better .
I know it’s so so hard being away from your children but please don’t think you won’t get your children back . I have been where you are and I have severe anxiety and depression and my ex has told me many times that no court in the land would let me have the children . But I have been reassured a lot lately that that is simply not true . And the people that have been telling me this aren’t my friends they are health professionals and they know .
Your unwell greycrocs.
You wouldn’t say to a person who has broken there arm that they would lose their children . You are simply broken inside . BUT you can be fixed and by you being in hospital that is simply what is happening . You’re getting fixed .
Im here for you , I’ve been where you are and I’m praying for you that you get better . Always here if you need to talk xx

I'm so sorry you reached such a low point @greycrocs but I'm pleased to hear that you're in a safe place where you can hopefully get help.
Please try to focus on you and the help you need to get better. You know the saying about putting your own oxygen mask on first? Now is the time to do that. The very best thing you can do for you and for your kids is to get as healthy as you can.
I think you sound like a brilliant and brave woman and I'm rooting for you.

Oh @greycrocs , I am so so sorry to read this. Thank you for coming to tell us when you must be feeling so wretched. What a kind and thoughtful person you are.

I am so thankful your attempt failed. I am thankful mine did too and I really hope you are feeling the same but if not, that you will get to that place.

You won't lose your children, please don't worry about that. Please concentrate on getting well, eating and drinking when you can, and there will always be someone to talk to on here.

You feel numb as your brain is trying to protect you to give you the space to heal.

Stay with us, please.