I feel this crippling sense of not deserving to be alive. I feel like I'm a bad person

[anonomam]

Does anyone relate to this? I feel like I need reassurance as a human being.

My dad passed away last year and I've been grieving all of a sudden I feel like it's very much on the forefront of my emotions again. I have this sick feeling in my chest that he's looking down on me with disappointment. I feel depressed, I feel like I suddenly think I'm this bad person, I feel like I could be nicer to people and I feel like I'm being spectating on and that I don't deserve to be alive. I feel like I want to die. My two year old turning 3 is all for his dad even tho I am the one who spends all my time with him and does everything for him and people always tell me how unusual it is for a toddler boy to be all for their dad and not their mam, and now I wonder if unconsciously he must think I'm a bad person too. I feel like I don't deserve to be alive. I feel like this intense feeling has taken over my being and it's crippling me.

I am here with you, and hearing you.

You poor thing, I am so sorry for the loss of your dad. Grief is a very difficult thing to navigate and lasts much longer than people give credit for. It comes in waves, where for ages you can be fine and then suddenly back into the bleakness and sadness.

Posting this so you know I am here, will write more

I think what you are feeling is a classic symptom of depression; a sense of worthlessness and hopelessness. But it is not a true reflection on who you are, it is just how your poorly, stressed, sad brain is reacting. Grief is hard. Parenting is hard (and guilt ridden!). And you are in the middle of it all.

You are the absolute centre of your little boys world. You are his sun and his moon and his everything. Dads can be exciting because they are around less, so the novelty factor is there. It does not diminish your importance and his love for you. We all feel that way sometimes with our kids; a pang of jealousy when they totter off arms outstretched to someone else. But it is just what they do.

You absolutely are NOT worthless or a bad person. You’re just not.

Be gentle with yourself. You wouldn’t say any of those things you are saying to a friend, so don’t tell them to yourself. Be kind to you. Tell yourself, ‘yeah, this is all shite. I’m having a shitty day, shitty week, shitty month. It’s all rubbish right now. And that is ok. Not great, but ok. I can ride it out, and it WILL pass and in the meantime I shall love myself and my boys and focus on small pleasures’.

Courage.

@TISSHA thank you. I just have a sense of doom over me that feels like I'm being spectated on as a bad person. The anxiety of it feels so heavy. Thank you for taking the time to message me. X

Hey,
It sounds as if you are going through some intense emotions connected to losing your father. I'm not.too well qualified to comment on those but as a mother of a 2.5 year old boy who currently only has time for Daddy, I would like to reassure you that this is quite common.
As in, I go into him in the morning and he screams for Daddy. Anytime he is upset it's Daddy he wants.
I'm trying not to take it too personally as I think it's because he spends so much time with me. I particularly noticed it after a week away from DH.
I had similar with my DD who is now 5 and mostly wants Mummy...
Try not to dwell on it too much but obviously look at any strategies for coping with frief after losing your Dad.
All the best.x

I agree with what others have written here, you are not a worthless person. You are everything to your son, it's normal for young children to be faddy with preferring one parent over another for a while, it will change back soon. Your son loves you, you're his mum and that is invaluable to him. You sound like a lovely, kind, thoughtful person, who is being very hard on themselves. Grief can be incredibly hard, it can tip us upside down. I'm sorry for the loss of your dad. You do sound depressed, if this feeling carries on, please reach out for real life help, speak to your GP or look up local counselling services. I wish you all the best.

This is such a lovely.post..and so true!

That sounds so tough OP. Offering a hand hold and hanging around this space so you aren't alone.

I'm sorry OP this sounds awful. You are not worthless, and your little boy loves and needs you more than anything.
I think you should talk to someone about these feelings. It's very worrying that you are thinking you want to die.

Samaritans are available on 116 123 day and night. Please talk to them, your GP or someone else. You don't deserve to feel this way.

Evening OP,
We're just bobbing on here to say that we're so sorry to hear you're going through this.
We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged to us we like to link to our web-guides, which we hope may be helpful. If you'd like to, please do feel free to take a look at our https://www.mumsnet.com/i/mental-health-webguide page.
Very best wishes from all at MNHQ

I'm so sorry you feel this way. Please see your doctor about treatments for depression. It very much sounds like that's what it is. Sometimes a trauma, like losing a parent, can spiral from normal grief to a maladaptive state like depression.

Hi OP,
I'm sorry you are feeling this way.

You might find it difficult to believe me but these thoughts (feeling you are a bad person) are something that can happen when someone gets poorly with their mental health.

It is depression and perhaps some OCD intrusive thoughts but certainly poor mental health. I would urge you to see your GP and try medication to help you lift your mood then things will improve.

Keep strong x

What makes you think your Dad is observing you as “A Bad Person” and not “Tvere’s my girl! I am so proud”?

Also, other than you, what makes someone deserve to not be alive? I unfortunately know some unpleasant people but even they deserve life. You don’t have to be perfect, and no one is judging you for not being perfect.

Morning @anonomam

Just checking in, hope you got some sleep.

Be kind to yourself today; do something simple that makes you happy, or if you can’t think of that, then something that used to/usually makes you happy. Takeaway fancy coffee, sit in the sun, ice cream for pudding after dinner, wear one of your favourite pieces of clothing, anything. (I buy the ridiculously expensive ready sliced mango from M&S and eat the entire box, usually on my way home….)

I know that feeling of doom. It does pass, but so grim when you are in it.

And tell yourself; people are paying as much attention to you as you are to them. A fleeting, neutral thought at best, total indifference for the majority. No one is thinking of you the way you are thinking of you, in the same way you don’t think of others in a judgemental way.

Hang in there, really hope you have a good day