Don't know how to deal with this (CMHT)

[Gimjam]

I was diagnosed with EUPD and autism last year. I've had lots of trauma and mental health difficulties for years. I'm nearly 50 now. I was having weekly appointments with a mental health nurse, some sort of structured help. I was finding it too much really and felt she didn't understand me and was flippant sometimes.
I felt like I had to say something instead of staying quiet, but I must have expressed myself wrongly as she threatened to end the appointment (video call) and accused me of being aggressive. I wasn't aggressive but frustrated and annoyed and it probably showed in my face.
She scheduled another appointment for a couple of weeks later. I attended but she didn't show, (video call). Normally if appointments are cancelled because of emergency or illness, I get a phone call or text. There was nothing. But I wasn't surprised really.
This was 6 weeks ago. I have heard nothing from the nurse since. She has always called me previously to apologise if she couldn't make appointments, though these would be cancelled first anyway, so no need to apologise. But just nothing? I have a quite bad fear of rejection/abandonment I think anyway and tend to imagine awful things.
But it's now almost two months since I last spoke to her and we were having weekly appointments and she knew I was having a bad time and in an abusive relationship.
This is unacceptable surely?

I don't know what I'm supposed to do, do I just wait for her to never contact me again? I had a phone call from the clinical psychologist who said it was an 'admin error' that I wasn't contacted when the nurse couldn't attend.
This is just bringing back all the times when this has been done to me in the past.

That does sound unacceptable behaviour on her part if she just didn’t turn up for your scheduled appointment. Is it possible that there has been a misunderstanding though? I understand that it is really difficult for you to contact her but that is the only way that you will find out what is happening. Even if she felt that she couldn’t work with you any more, she should have had a proper structured ending to your sessions so I can’t believe she has just dumped you with no explanation,
Good luck, I hope you can get some closure at least xx

Well yes of course there may have been a misunderstanding or some kind of error. But she has had almost six weeks to contact me and sort this out, and there has been nothing from her.

Call the CMHT to establish what is the state of play. If you're down as DNA you could be potentially discharged.

Yes, that is really crap. Is it possible to ask the clinical psychologist if you can be referred to a different nurse as it seems that your relationship with the old one has broken down?

@Moonshine5 thanks, I'm not down as DNA, as the psychologist knows I attended. I think maybe you need two to be discharged.
I just haven't got the energy to deal with this. I don't want to contact them as I want to wait to see how long they will just leave me like this for.

@Curtainsformeplease yes it's crap, really crap. There is only one other nurse for this treatment, who is a male nurse and quite young. I don't think I would feel comfortable talking to him at all.

@Curtainsformeplease sorry thanks for your kind words

I sort of have a history of relationships breaking down, and find it's a repeated pattern, possibly down to my own sabotaging behaviours. Surely the team must be aware of this type of behaviour, I just can't fathom it.

I know how you feel but the trouble is that it is you that is suffering by leaving it drifting on. Surely it is better to take control of the situation yourself?

@Curtainsformeplease yes I see what you mean and I know this is not good for me to be resentful etc. I'm not very good at confrontation or expressing myself, as proved when I tried to speak to the nurse the last time.
I feel they have lied to me about it being an admin error too and I can't bear that they would lie and try and cover themselves like that.

They definitely should be more conscious of the effect of their behaviour on you. Some MH nurses are just not very good at their jobs so try not to take it personally. Easier said than done though I know.

@Curtainsformeplease yes I really had doubts about her, she was dismissive sometimes and from the things she would say I knew she didn't understand me at all. I don't care that much personally, it just upsets me that this mental health team is so poor and they are letting patients down.

Yes, I understand what you mean. NHS MH services are so dire and they are letting down people in terrible distress every day. Do you have the option to pay for private therapy as that would give you more choice to find a therapist that you could click with?

@Curtainsformeplease yes totally agree and I'm always aware that there are patients with much worse issues, also I live in a deprived area and many social problems so the services will have a lot to deal with. Also tried to understand the nurse will have a lot on her plate and is stressed.
I have spoken to a private therapist, I'm on LCWRA though and it could be stopped anytime and then I would have to scrape by on Universal credit.

Have you checked if she is not off sick?

Ideally patients should be told by their service if their therapist/ mental health practitioner is off sick but it doesn't always happen. I'd suggest give them a call to see.

I'm going to wait for the clinical psychologist to call me back and I will ask then if she has been off sick for the past few weeks.

Hope she gets back to you soon and you get the support you need xx

@Curtainsformeplease thanks for your replies and kindness

That sucks how theyve treated you.

However waiting is you cutting off your own nose to spite your face.

Who cares what happened. You know they messed up. They probably know they messed up. Who cares why it happened. It's over.

Sometimes things happen for a reason.

That nurse wasn't helping you.

So rather than waste your time and the NHS's money it's better that you contact them (by phone or email whichever you feel more comfortable with - or get a friend to do it) and say that you were online for your appointment and nurse x didn't show up. Youve heard nothing so could you continue your appointments with another nurse please as you're really struggling just now and nurse x didn't seem to 'get' you and you can't rely on someone who doesn't show up without explanation.

@DeliciousApples it does matter though I think, I don't care about whether the nurse likes me or not. I'm too old to take it personally. But I've been trying to get help from them for the best part of twenty years and they've always been a bit crap. It just makes me feel even more hopeless about my situation and that I am too damaged now to be helped. And the CMHT are failing others. I live in a town that's been voted the unhappiest place in the region. And also top of suicide and self harming statistics. I just feel like giving up.
And yes I self sabotage, hurt myself to hurt others but this is part of the EUPD I think.

And I wasn't wasting any NHS money as I have always turned up to all my appointments thank you.

It's shit and shouldn't have happened.

But in order to get any action taken unfortunately you'll need to chase it up and contact them

@DeliciousApples
Also I'm autistic. So I care very much about why things have happened. Because if it's a failing in the system then it's likely it will happen again for one thing. And I am supposed to put open up up and put my trust in this service when they have let me down.
As I have been let down in the past and failed and this has caused trauma for me.