i want to die. i am a crap mum

[newmummy27]

i am sitting here with tables in my hand, i really wnt to die. please help

ok going to make a cup of tea

Message withdrawn

Don't feel ashamed, you are still here, and still fighting
Are you 27? I'm guessing from your posting name...
That's 27 years of survival honey, something to be proud of!
And you have a beautiful little boy who will learn, when he is older, how much you love him and fought to stay with him, despite your depression.

Please ring your GP on Monday though, and tell him/her about this weekend. There is lots of help and support out there to get you through this.

I've heard it over and over again that the time we most need our mums is when we become mums ourselves

I hope you can find a way to get your mother on board. Perhaps she is scared about you feeling so bad and doesn't know what to say so she is saying 'pull yourself together' type things?

I'm sure she cares about you underneath.

I've been feeling a bit like you describe lately - sort of unreal, like I'm not really here, nothing makes sense - I know it could be depression as I do get that, but also I figured out I was very low on iron, and taking some iron changed it so I was feeling real again. it only took a few days to kick in.

Might be exhaustion and also stress, feeling alone, being un supported by your bloke, and a new baby (sleep deprivation) can really tire you physically and mentally. Stress releases adrenalin, which can make you feel weird, desperate and panicky.
Are you eating enough as well, that might be something to do with it.

We are here pet xx

i have made a cup of tea and have a bath on. i am 31 years old. i have been through bad times before. it is so awful, i feel like i am going around in circles. when i feel so desperate i know i can log on and someone will be there, thank you all. back to square one again.

do not think you are a bad mother...you have little baby who thinks you are the best peroson in the world.....ever. you could be suffering from P.N.D, this does not make you a bad person.

good luck, 'speak' to you soon x

keep talking to us newmummy adn I hope you feel a bit better already.

wrt depression, my family just didn't know what to say or do when I was diagnosed with PND as they'd had no experience of it, or any other sort of depression. I also think our mother's generation were told to pull themselves together when a lot of them were probably suffering from PND themselves. Call her tomorrow and let her know how desperate you've been feeling, and maybe show her some info on PND. I'm sure she won't want you to bee feeling this bad and will try to help. Is your Dad more supportive (except for his jealous partner that is)

It might not seem like it at the moment, but there is light at the end of the tunnel and you'll get better.

Take Care

i feel like i dont know who i am, what my personality is anymore, where i am going. i am already with family link, the lady said as a friend, she thinks my husband isnt helping the situation, even though i dont think she is supposed to judge, she met him and said the way he is doesnt help.

can you show him this thread newmummy? rather than talking to him if you find that difficult.

ikwym about not feeling yourself. I feel as though I've been depressed for so long, I'm not sure who the real me is any more. My DH keeps assuring me that the depressed me isn't the real me, and that he can see shades of "me" underneath it all. All I can see is the miserable shouty cow I've become, but I'm trying hard to get the happy smiley me back again.

you need to see your GP, does dp have any idea of hoe you're feeling?????

hi, i am back. no i dont think he understands at all. in fact he either totally overreacts or does nothing. all he says is "do you want a drink". i have forgotten why i fell in love with him, in fact i am now not sure if i ever did. we have been together 10 years. in fact when i was in such a state this afternoon he seemed to have a smirk on his face. sometimes i think that i really hate him, he isnt genuine and i can see nothing in his eyes iyswim. blank. brick wall. i have made all sorts of suggestions, but he says he doesnt get a chance or he is too tired. and it goes on and on. i am fed up.

Oh darlin, you aren't alone. You must feel shit but please don't do anything with tablets. Will post more in a minute, just wanted you to know there is someone here!

hi newmummy. I dunno where to start. I had such feeling of sheer lonelyness i use to just sit in a dark room and cry and cry. I had no support from dh. I fed him. I changed him i washed him and he was in my care twenty four seven. Its so overwhelming becoming a mum isnt it? Going from being able to just nip to the shop becomes a major achievement or mission. You cant do anything on your own. It does get easier i promise you because you just become use to it and enjoy it and you forget how you use to do it and wonder how you use to be interested in your old life. Could we msn each other. I am always about whenever you need me

Ok, sorry about that, just wanted to reply asap but had to go let the bloody dog in who was barking incessently at the neighbours!

Anyway, do you only have one child? I know what you mean about walking round in a daze with ds. I do the same with my baby, he is 8 months and sometimes I just need to escape but have no where to go and noone to go to.

yes only one child. i escape by going to the metrocentre and wondering around for hours, sometimes not wanting to come home, but i have to for my son.

Hi, just wanted to say that I have read your comments, and I don't think you sound like a crap mum at all. Your little boy is very lucky to have you. I didn't have PND so can only imagine how tough that is - but i do know how bloody draining it can be looking after a baby. All I can say is that it gets better. Please hold on.

does he come with you? Your ds that is

newmummy, how old is your son? I have to say, that i would personally (because i hate shopping) find the shopping centre a bad place to be when i am going through a bad time. I have PND too. Its shit, i have good days, but i was sat where you were yesterday - but the thought of my little girl visiting my grave has kept me alive.

Are there any groups you can find out about? To be honest, when you first start going, they are a bit shit - but you do eventually make friends. I slowly made friends with another mum who suffers with depression - we never talk about it, but we "know" if you know what i mean, if we say we were feeling shit etc, we know that its best to leave alone etc. Its so hard.

Do you have a homestart in your area? I go to a play group run by homestart, its great, its just a playgroup rather than a support group and DD loves it, and i just get to sit and chat, or sit and brood and glower in the corner if im having a weird day. But no one takes any notice, its like, LEM has got PMT, best leave her alone today.

Enough about me, please realise that you are a very important person, your son needs you and loves you. You talk about the way your DH is, but you dont go into detail, so its difficult to decide if its the depression talking or if he is behaving like an arse, or both. It is very difficult for the partners, i have given my DP such a shit time, but there have also been times when he has been a twunt too.

What medication are you on, how long have you been taking them? Tell me about this support group you mention? I find it helps to know that my friend "know" about my illness, and friends who have been there are truly the only ones who can understand.

Tell us more about you honey....we all want to help (sorry, its way past wine o clock in the LEM house even though i shouldnt be drinking on the ADs)

Little peanut, i think you have made a really important point there - its OK for mums with PND to say, shit, its hard isnt it, but its refreshing to hear from someone without this problem to admit, being a mum is bloody hard work and can get you down at times.

newmummy-i have had pnd on and off for 2 years since dd was born. Like you, i felt (sometimes feel) that my OH wasn't being genuine, that it was all a big game to him, and that he didn't really want to be with me. I haven't entirely worked out how much of this is true and how much of it is my depression working, but just to let you know that it could be mainly down to how low you are feeling at the moment and that you're definitely alone in the way you're feeling.

I felt/feel that my empathy for him is diminished when i'm feeling at my lowest, and that he doesn't know or care what i'm feeling. Please hang on in there and be insistent with your GP when you see him/her on monday

I was like this when dd was about the same age, had depression/anxiety and panic attacks and just became overwhelmed with the lack of sleep and responsibility of it all. Had forgotten how isolating it can be with a baby of that age. Partners have a tough time too, they can't understand how you feel or why and you can end up resenting them because their lives don't seem to change so much. Try to get out to some sort of groups instead of the shopping centre, I think most mums, even if they don't suffer from depression, get down with the tedium of it in those first months and you can all have a moan together and it helps. You are definitely not a bad mummy.

how do i open u in real life and let people in? I have a barrier there that is a like a steel wall. i wish i could trust someone, without thinking i will end up getting hurt

newmummy, in answer to your last post, at the beginning it is a deep breath and a leap of faith. But you will become practised at opening up, and every time the leap will seem smaller and the deep breath beforehand less deep. You do, at some point, have to go through that steel wall, head first. But what is on the other side is worth it.

newmummy - im in the northeast.

I have 3 kids, 8, 4 and 4 months so similar in age to your little one.

i am also a doula so know all about how tough having a baby is not to mention with pnd and an unsupportive husband thrown in the mix.

Im having a bit of a tough time with my youngest at the moment as she wont nap and spends alot of her time unhappy which i struggle with!

would it help to have someone "local" to talk to - happy to talk on email.

can you give away which part of the northeast you are?