Should I leave before prison? I can’t go on

[Ladieunlucky]

So long story short and need guidance and no judgement. I have been suicidal so please be kind.

I have bi polar (recently diagnosed) and during a manic episode I stole a large amount of money from work. I handed myself into the police for this and have faced everything since. I of course lost my job, my friends and family. As well as reputation. The only people by myside is my partner and 15 year old daughter. Both who I’ve been honest with and know I’ve made a mistake. I am due to be sentenced at crown court at the end of Sept which could be custodial.

Unfortunately and probably expected the friendship group have excluded me, but not my partner. From weddings, events, wiped me from their lives. They haven’t asked me directly what has happened or know about my bipolar. There going on what they heard. I cannot leave the house, I am deeply ashamed, I live in hell not knowing if my mind will kill me this week. My question is this.

If I don’t get custodial will I ever live this down. Every where I go people know my mistake, friends don’t want to know me, I’m scared to go out. Would you move towns and start a fresh, end your relationship and support your daughter best you can (currently joint custody due to mental health). Will this ever be any different or will I constantly be judged. I cannot live like this.

I haven’t really got an answer, but I couldn’t not leave a hand hold. I understand what you did was very wrong (as I’m sure you already know), but I don’t think much of your friends and family.

Also, why hasn’t your partner at least explained your mental health issues to friends/family? Surely a bit of kindness wouldn’t kill them.

I don’t condone what you did, but please use this as springboard to get help and medication. I would still want you in my life if I was your friend 💜

edit spelling

Don't cut off the people who support you! It will pass. Please reach out and get all the support you can. It will get better.

I think you should stay with the people who support you. They matter most. They will help you get through this.

In my opinion, running away to another location and jeopardising the two relationships that are so important to you would be a mistake.

Deal with one thing at a time. Concentrate on making sure your daughter has the most stability and love possible. If your partner is a good'n, make sure he knows how much you appreciate him. The rest will take care of itself once you know how the sentencing goes.

In the meantime, make sure you're getting whatever MH support you need. That your meds are keeping you stable and that you have all of your medical info recorded in case you get a custodial sentence.

You'll get through this. You'll get past it.

My view is you can't run away from things like this, but you can learn, give back and become a better person. People are capable of forgiving and moving on when they see people people make better choices
Your only human and you are allowed to mess up but it's how you react to that that shows who you are

Ok deep breath. Now isn’t the time for new or rash decisions. You’ve got enough going on without additional turmoil.Go to your GP for a meds review, talk to your solicitor's about their thoughts on likely outcome. Yiu can’t make people like you or be nice so don’t expend mental or physical energies on it. You need to eat,look after self, try get a balance. Try the free apps like calm or headspace

you’ve had a hell of a year. New diagnosis. Impaired judgment.

was your diagnosis raised as mitigation?

take care. No rash decisions and good luck

Stay put and ride it out x it'll be old news soon and why people are so invested in your business is beyond me.

Look after yourself, your partner and daughter x they could have left you too.

You won't be the first person to make a mistake and you won't be the last xx Just do you xx

I'm sure you will feel better when the sentencing is over xx time is a great healer xx

oh goodness. I don’t know what to say, other than I hope you are getting support from services. It’s seems like you’ve been let down by the system somewhere along the line….
It reads as if your actions were as a result of your MH diagnosis and not “you”. If you had received an earlier diagnosis or had appropriate treatment or support you may not have stolen the money.

You have been honest and open with the authorities and with people so this shows that you are a good person. Try not to be too hard on yourself. You have to face the consequences and sounds as if you are doing so.

the people in your town and your friends don’t know the full story.

are you getting support and treatment now for your bipolar?

Maybe you could join some online forums or see if there are face to face groups in your area to get support from the “bipolar” community. You won’t be judged there and people may be able to offer advice and support.

When you feel ready start telling people about your diagnosis (such as your daughter’s school or a family member).
it will be a long journey to rebuild everything again so take it one day at a time.

Engage in Mh services (if you have them in your area).

I wouldn’t make any decisions re:your relationship until after the court case as your diagnosis may be taken into account (and should be really).

If your partner is supporting you - let him, maybe he can speak to people.

Take care and be kind to yourself.

People have come back from worse and built new lives. Profumo, Jonathan Aitken, Jeffrey Archer are famous names that come to mind.

Lie low, maybe get some counselling, learn from your experience and KOKO.

My mum has bipolar and has done some very strange things when manic. I know it's her being unwell and not really her. The people around you will come to understand that too.

I don't know much about prison although I think most women in prison have some difficult history. And so many people with bipolar do things they wouldn't normally do.

Take all the support offered anywhere. Take the meds. Show the court your engaging and learning about your condition and if worst comes to the worst know that you will be okay when you come out even if you rebuild differently. There will be bipolar support groups and mind run groups and there will be people who "get it".

Do yiu have a mental health nurse or anything? It must be frightening for you right now.

No, don't push them away, they're both capable of making their own minds up about whether to stick by and support you, and sounds like they are. Sorry friends and family have cut contact because of this, I have a friend who is very vulnerable for similar reasons (MH) and went to prison, we all stuck by and supported her.

I think you need to give people the benefit of the doubt first, and explain the whys and wherefores to those that you care about most before you sack everything off and move on.

Although I wonder how close they were if they haven't reached out since.

You're being unfair on yourself, I've had horrific mood swings in the past, so can imagine a bit about how you feel.
The police will consider your mental state, and what it was at the time, and I should imagine the fact that you reported yourself to the police will probably go in your favour.
Seriously, if one of my friends with bipolar acted as you did (I know 2), I would definitely not desert them.
Don't punish yourself any longer xxxx
💐

I also have felt suicidal for much of my life, so I get it xxxx

As a fellow casualty of Bipolar Disorder who has also done awful and stupid things, make a short list of who you actually want in your life. Only include people in whom you've found mutual care and support and who have brought you joy. Write them a personal letter explaining not your crime, but how much you miss them and would value their support, and, without trying to make excuses. Those worth keeping by your side will respond.

I feel for you, I really, really do. To many, it sounds like an excuse for bad behaviour and I've never been able to explain to anyone why I've done the things I've done. Sending you a big squeeze. X

I think you need to stop calling what you did as being a mistake.

You have mitigating circumstances in that you were unwell but it was not a mistake.

Why isn't your partner doing more to tell people that you have mental health problems and stole as a result of your compulsions?

Sorry to ask, but is it your first offence? If so, and you handed yourself in etc, then it is less likely to be custodial.

I wouldn't make any big decisions on moving etc before you find out about sentencing. Try to get well. You have your partner and your daughter who are on your side which is the most important thing.

Stay where you have support. I know this seems hard at the moment but this will eventually become old news and people move on. Honestly, people are way less focused on you and this incident than you think. Your friends may feel like they are bothering you. Do you think you could reach out to maybe one and maybe invite them over for a coffee etc?

Please also if you feel you "can't go on" ring 999 for support or your local me tap health line x

No, don’t call 999 for mental heath support. Call 111 for MH triage & support . Call your local health trust crisis number

Sorry just realised the end sounds like I'm rubbing it in, just meant you are still worthy of friends, this wasn't your fault- it says more about them than you if this made them take a step back.

You stole a large amount of money from work.
A crime, yes, but not of the century!
Your family, friends and close group have wiped you from their lives, what?!
Crikey!
Even if they don't know about your very personal circumstances, they are being way over the top.
Heaven forbid any of them ever make a bad decision during a crisis.
From what you have written here, handing yourself in etc, you don't sound like a swindler that's been getting kicks from committing crimes.
Leave them to it.

A lot of people do bad things. Lots of people steal. Many or even most of them don’t feel bad about it in the slightest, only that they got caught.

You are different because you are ashamed and destroyed over it. That is very different to most who commit crimes. You are part of the vulnerable group who have done bad things because of addiction, abuse or in your case, mental health problems.

Be kind to yourself. And keep the people who support you close. Over time you’ll have a chance to explain to some people who will understand.

Oh goodness that sounds so so hard

yet again someone is being harshly judged despite having a condition which is hugely misunderstood by general public. A manic phase can be absolutely devastating - so many people just don’t realise this, they seem to think it’s just the opposite depressed - so mega happy or excited

You had so much strength handing yourself in. You could do so much for others living with the condition by being open and honest. Those judging you are the ones that are wrong. You are not (other than stealing but in your non-manic phase you absolutely know that is wrong).

please do not kill yourself. You have already shown you are a human with integrity and compassion and your partner and daughter need you.

absolutely fuck the ignorant arseholes who have judged and abandoned you. I think they are evil.

i don’t do physical hugs but virtual ones are very much being sent your way from me. Please hang in there.

Hello OP, we are really sorry to hear you are feeling this way.

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our https://www.mumsnet.com/webguide/mental-health. You can also go to the https://www.samaritans.org/  or email them on [email protected]. Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.

We also like to remind everyone that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster, emotionally or financially, than they can afford to spare.

We are going to move this thread to the Mental Health section shortly.

This fear of the unknown is paralysing. I wouldn’t make any big decisions before sentencing - moving is extremely stressful and your daughter is at an age where she won’t want to be uprooted from her friendship group, change schools etc.

I can’t predict anything about sentencing but whatever it is, will be yesterday’s fish and chip paper after a short while. I bet most workplace fraud doesn’t even make the newspapers. You could think about moving towns after your daughter has done her GCSEs if she and your partner agree.

Many of the people who are distancing themselves will have skeletons in their own cupboards and they will make mistakes in the future or their children will make mistakes. It happens. I hope you can get some support from the MH group here on MN and you could also try the NACRO or Mind helplines.