Hi all,
Do I need to see a psychiatrist?
Is there something wrong with me?
Am I ill or is this just the way I am?
Am I a bad person?
Have I just been battered by life's disappointments?
Depression?
Perimenopause?
Neurodiversity?
Several of the above?
I don't even know if I want to get better.
BACKGROUND
- I'm early 40s, single, live alone, WFH
- Have completely isolated myself from friends and family - fallen out with most of them over the years.
- Had a few long term romantic rships but nothing for years.
- Also fallen out with my neighbours over (their) noise eg dogs barking although I do actually like animals, I have had a series of rescue cats.
- I used to get highlights in my mousey brown hair (I'm very average looking) but I cba anymore. I've always found things like showering and grooming a huge effort.
- no physical health issues. Have tried various antidepressants over the years but can't say any of them have helped much.
- only interests are reading, TV, mucking about on the internet
- I avoid leaving the house. Have always been a home bird to some extent.
- Was religious but stopped believing about a year ago when I became estranged from my very religious mother (due to her being irrational and saying I was possessed by a demon because I told my brother he was a selfish git)
- history of eating disorders/alcoholism albeit not drunk now for many years and currently healthy weight
- good grades at school/uni but coasting in a job somewhat beneath my capabilities after job-hopping for years. Financially ok tho.
- I was a "normal" child. Happy-ish I think despite the usual low-level shit childhoods many of us had in the 80s/90s with parents who hit us etc.
- No obvious major trauma eg sexual abuse/drugs/bereavement
ISSUES (for 5-10 years)
- I am so full of rage and hate. I feel like I tried so, so hard, in terms of my career, relationships, my weight etc and none of it paid off. I'm bitter and angry at life and (most) other people.
- Minor irritations drive me insane. As mentioned above, noise from neighbours. Rudeness from shop assistants. Bad drivers. That sort of thing. I feel a red mist come down and start shaking and feel like I could murder someone.
- There are some people who I could happily torture to death and not feel guilty. One of these is a celeb I really dislike. So she hasn't even done anything to me personally. Most of them are neighbours or people I have worked with.
- I think about death/suicide a lot.
- Apart from a handful of family/friends, I don't feel genuine joy for anyone when they have good news eg engagement/baby etc.
I just wanted to get this on paper in some ways but interested in any thoughts.
Thanks.