my mother thinks I'm possessed by a demon! Am I bad person? Personality disorder? Or ill?

[WhatsWrongWithMePlease]

Hi all,

Do I need to see a psychiatrist?

Is there something wrong with me?

Am I ill or is this just the way I am?

Am I a bad person?

Have I just been battered by life's disappointments?

Depression?

Perimenopause?

Neurodiversity?

Several of the above?

I don't even know if I want to get better.

BACKGROUND

• I'm early 40s, single, live alone, WFH
• Have completely isolated myself from friends and family - fallen out with most of them over the years.
• Had a few long term romantic rships but nothing for years.
• Also fallen out with my neighbours over (their) noise eg dogs barking although I do actually like animals, I have had a series of rescue cats.
• I used to get highlights in my mousey brown hair (I'm very average looking) but I cba anymore. I've always found things like showering and grooming a huge effort.
• no physical health issues. Have tried various antidepressants over the years but can't say any of them have helped much.
• only interests are reading, TV, mucking about on the internet
• I avoid leaving the house. Have always been a home bird to some extent.
• Was religious but stopped believing about a year ago when I became estranged from my very religious mother (due to her being irrational and saying I was possessed by a demon because I told my brother he was a selfish git)
• history of eating disorders/alcoholism albeit not drunk now for many years and currently healthy weight
• good grades at school/uni but coasting in a job somewhat beneath my capabilities after job-hopping for years. Financially ok tho.
• I was a "normal" child. Happy-ish I think despite the usual low-level shit childhoods many of us had in the 80s/90s with parents who hit us etc.
• No obvious major trauma eg sexual abuse/drugs/bereavement

ISSUES (for 5-10 years)

• I am so full of rage and hate. I feel like I tried so, so hard, in terms of my career, relationships, my weight etc and none of it paid off. I'm bitter and angry at life and (most) other people.
• Minor irritations drive me insane. As mentioned above, noise from neighbours. Rudeness from shop assistants. Bad drivers. That sort of thing. I feel a red mist come down and start shaking and feel like I could murder someone.
• There are some people who I could happily torture to death and not feel guilty. One of these is a celeb I really dislike. So she hasn't even done anything to me personally. Most of them are neighbours or people I have worked with.
• I think about death/suicide a lot.
• Apart from a handful of family/friends, I don't feel genuine joy for anyone when they have good news eg engagement/baby etc.

I just wanted to get this on paper in some ways but interested in any thoughts.

Thanks.

Sorry to hear this, I'm sure many people can relate.

I'd be getting depression looked at again and also consider perimenopause- the red mist comment rings alarm bells, been there!

I hope you have cut your mother out of your life completely- have you had counselling for your abusive upbringing?

You are not possessed, or a freak. Simply an average human battling their way through life.

It looks like a lot when you read what you've written down, but it's not insurmountable, tackle those bits you want to tackle and put the rest aside for now.

One of the joys of getting older (I'm 53), is that I give way less fucks than I used to and my default position these days is to assume that most people I meet are useless fucking morons, until they prove otherwise. They often don't!

You sound like you have ADHD and are overwhelmed right now. I can relate to slot of what you say

It sounds like you would benefit from seeing a psychiatrist to help you work out the answers to your questions. If antidepressants haven’t helped you and you contemplate suicide often/feel murderous over small things, I would think your GP would facilitate this.

You start your post saying you’re in your 40s, single and live alone. Sounds like you’ve isolated yourself from pretty much everyone at this point. So I want to ask - what do you think the crux of this is? Did you imagine your life turning out differently? Are you hiding something about yourself from yourself/others? What happened 5-10 years ago?

I am similar to you. I don't have any friends, but I do have a boyfriend. I hate human contact with the majority of people. I spend most of my time by myself. My interests are watching TV and browsing the internet. I also get a rage, but not as bad as yours sounds. I am very irritable and get annoyed by lots of little things. I don't feel joy for anyone either. I don't care about anyone except my family, my boyfriend and his family. I also feel like I tried and worked so hard but none of it paid off.

I was always weird though. It sounds like you weren't always like this, as you said you were a normal child?

No, you’re not possessed by a demon. Yes, you would benefit from therapy. Being ‘full of rage and hate’ isn’t healthy, and you don’t appear to have any functional relationships because of this. And imagining happily torturing to death ex colleagues, neighbours and a celebrity you dislike isn’t normal, no.

Thanks so much for the responses, I really appreciate you all reading that!

Yeah it's so sad. I have pictures of myself as a child smiling, laughing etc. And now here I am, sitting on the sofa in stained clothing every night, sad and alone, crying my eyes out.

I just assumed I would have a good job and get married. (Was never fussed about kids). After all, most people get married. And I was good at school so should have got a good job no problem. So to have neither of these two what I deemed "basic entitlements" has been a real blow.

But in the event, I'm clever but just don't fit in in the world of work. And was maybe just unlucky in love.

An engagement ended 10 years ago. I dated for a bit after that but it's been 5 years since I mostly gave up on that.

And no, I have no contact with my mother. I literally can't have a relationship with someone who looks at me with disgust and fear and says irrational things. I mean, how can I go for lunch with her when she literally looks at me like I have 2 horns coming out my head? I think she was disappointed I turned out slightly chubby and unattractive. She always viewed fatness as a moral failing. Once I severed ties with her, the delusion of God quickly fell away.

You are not possessed by a demon, and anyone that truly thinks you are urgently needs psychiatric help themselves. But you do sound troubled, and a good starting point would be talking to your GP. You might find it useful to take a print out of your post with you.

Just another thought, if you used to have a spiritual life that ended soon after you became estranged from your mother, that could have been a substantial loss for you, and of something that may have previously brought you comfort. Would it be worth exploring if there is room for a spiritual life that doesn’t involve your mother/previous religion/talk of demons?

Is there anything else that you are interested in that might take you away from every night spent alone? I think you could be too much in your own head. Do you exercise? Would you consider trying a new course in something you find interesting like through Open Uni? It would give a bit of structure to your days / evenings.

“Too much in your own head” sounds about right. I have a male friend who was just as OP describes, and with the help of prescribed medication, exercise (yoga and golf) and getting off the internet 24/7, he is a much happier person and actually a joy to spend time with now. OP you can turn this around!!

Of course I can't do yoga as that is "evil Eastern philosophy" and will open me up to more demons!

Yeah I could easily be doing a side-hustle on evenings/weekends and make some money to move to a better house, preferably one far, far away from humans!

I don't mind exercise when I actually do it, it's the getting started, esp if I have to leave the house, that's the issue. I sort of cba because exercise is something you to to invest in your future and I don't really feel like I HAVE much of a future at the mo.

I'd put money on you being neurodiverse OP, and in my mind you tick a lot of boxes for ASD. It wouldn't surprise me if your mum is ND too.

In your case you have a long list of social issues, falling out with almost everyone you've ever known and are a home bird. Sensory issues with dogs, eating disorders are often comorbid, alcohol as a means of coping - and not caring about showering and grooming is absolutely text book ASD. Feeling you've never been able to achieve what you feel you should have been able to is pretty normal too - everything is that bit harder when you're ND.

Personality disorders are more prevalent in people with ASD but I think it's because people with ASD are more likely to have gone through trauma as children. It's possible that you don't recognise that you went though trauma though I assume, just because it was your normal. For instance your mother suggesting you're possessed by a demon is very, very abnormal. It sounds like she brainwashed you with religion and was extremely harshly judgemental of everything you did.

One thing I can absolutely say for sure though is that you are 100% not possessed by a demon!

Thanks everyone.

I'd prefer not to go via the GP but maybe seek help privately.
Is it a psychiatrist I need?

See, the bugger in me would have me doing yoga daily, simply to piss off my deranged mother.

Small steps OP, you're not broken

You have Shit Life Syndrome. Disappointment and depression that comes from unfulfilled potential. You weren’t lucky enough to get a decent job, or meet someone to marry and have kids, and now it’s too late. Plus you have a mentally ill mother who you’ve had to cut contact with, which is traumatic in itself.

I also wonder about undiagnosed neurodiversity. It’s one of the most common reasons for intelligent people to fail to get decent jobs, because other people discriminate against them.

Moving forward you need to get help to address your depression, and get involved in life again. Otherwise you’re going to be sitting here at 80 feeling twice as depressed because the second half of your life was unsuccessful as well.

Low level shit childhood plus batshit religious mother would do this.

Your mother sounds absolutely batshit crazy even by the standards of religious people.

Very few Christians these days literally
Believe in demonic possession. Sounds like her branch of religion is more like a cult.

If you only "left" the cult a year ago then I would expect you to still have issues.

If you had ED and alcoholism in your life these would justify seeing a psychiatrist and getting therapy on their own.

Maybe you are ADHD or similar. I am ADHD/?autism - you go through life trying to do what is expected of a NT person - and not really succeeding. Once you realise you are not NT and settle on what ACTUALLY makes you happy, that you enjoy, without following the expected path you are happier.

"There are some people who I could happily torture to death and not feel guilty. One of these is a celeb I really dislike. So she hasn't even done anything to me personally."*
*
I can't believe no one else has picked up on how shocking this is. It's a huge red flag tbh. OP I'm glad you have been honest here, it's a good first step, now please show this to a psychologist who can help you feel happier.

OP it sounds like you're suffering from some serious mental health problems. No judgment as I've been there but please go to your GP and explain what you've written here. They'll be able to help I'm sure.

OP you need to speak to your GP and explore whether you have depression or an undiagnosed mental health condition that requires medication.

It sounds like you are struggling with so many intrusive thoughts and issues and you need professional support.

It also sound like your mother put some really bizarre thoughts in your head with some extreme religious views and well done to you for distancing yourself from that.

I picked up on it! Fifth post on the thread.

OP, you’re still giving your mother headspace, even if you have no contact with her — her opinion of yoga is irrelevant.

And lots of people’s parents are disappointed in them, regardless of how they’ve done in life. I’m fond of my mother, and have done reasonably ‘well’ (went to Oxford, professional career, lived in a lot of countries, married with a child, etc etc), but she’s disappointed because she would have preferred me to leave school early, stay local, marry young and be a SAHM to a large family, and the kind of daughter who pops in and out and goes to Weightwatchers with her).

How you feel about your own life is what matters.

This, are you sharing this with your mum and that's why she's reacting as she is?

And actually given how many threads are there at the moment blaming the nhs for people's violent actions due to mental health difficulties and noone doing anything despite them vocalising their intent to hurt torture and kill others, the ops thoughts are concerning.

I would recommend a psychiatrist to unlock the damage of your upbringing.

I have a similarly troubled history with eating disorders, alcoholism and parents who value you based on weight / size. They're not religious - actually they are very moral / judgemental about anyone who has faith!

Fear of failure is a huge thread in my life so I chose work that wasn't too difficult, kept my life very predictable and controllable for fear of letting them down.

I've managed to fix a lot of this as my alcoholism got really bad so I admitted defeat, entered AA and did a decade worth of work on myself and my past. I am a different woman now so you can change your mindset too.

If you're genuinely happy not drinking (rather than hanging on by a thread - we call it white knuckling sobriety) then maybe you won't need AA but the look back through your past and then reframing how you see and react to things in the present would help enormously.

Please. The OP has had a random thought about a celeb. Thoughts are a long way from being indicators of actions or risk. Many of us might experience 'dark' thoughts particularly if we are low in mood or unhappy, that doesn't mean we are likely to act on them. Let's not fixate on that.
OP, it sounds to me that you could be depressed. And possibly neuro divergent. First step is to reach out to your GP, maybe consider an antidepressant and look into counselling or therapy to help you talk through and process the impact of your past experiences and how you cope now.
You may have been depressed for a long time, that could be how you are where you are now. But you recognise that things aren't going right for you, so please reach out and get help. There is no shame in doing so. And please try to start treating yourself with kindness.