Therapist emailed me the day after major surgery, is this normal?

[putyourhandsintheairok]

I've had a very traumatic year so went to therapy maybe 6 months ago, recently things have been very difficult for me which therapist knows.

Anyway, I had a 'pause session' last week as therapist is going in for major surgery (heart bypass) and we've agreed sessions will likely start in 6 weeks time.

I have been worried about this break, probably selfishly, although absolutely understand why therapist needs the time off. We agreed he would contact me at some point in a few weeks time to let me know all was ok, I was happy with this.

Anyway, on Monday evening therapist had bypass surgery. On Tuesday evening, completely out of the blue he has emailed me from hospital stating all went well, he feels pretty good, very relieved etc and will be 'back in business' soon.

I am not making this up, so please don't troll hunt, this is absolutely the truth, I believe he has had a heart bypass (this was due to happen earlier this year but was rescheduled) and I believe some people do recover to this extent etc.

But I'm just a bit thrown by it. I am sure I'm not his only client and I'm surprised the message has come direct and personally from him to me (it's not a generic 'to all my clients, just updating you all went well' message it's 'hi put yourhands I'm relieved to say my operation went well and I'm feeling good and relieved. I'll let you know when I'm well enough for sessions to work further through your trauma" kind of thing.

I already had a few red flags about the therapy but I'm not sure if this is a lovely, reassuring, perfectly thoughtful and boundaried message. Or if it's a bit personal and I'm also a bit wtf about why is he thinknig about me the day after surgery?

I get that he could be woozy etc but surely he has arrangements for this stuff. My sister is a therapist (don't want to talk to her about this) and I know she has arrangements with her supervisor to make contact with clients in situations like this.

The fact that you are analysing this to this extent is concerning. Do you have feelings for him OP or are you presuming he has feelings for you?

I'm worried he's encouraging me to become dependent on him, that's the major red flag I was referring to upthread.

Can you tell us about the other red flags OP?

I wonder if he was groggy and it was meant for someone else?

On face value, it seems inoccuous. You were worried about the break and he has kindly reassured you that the operation went well. If you have broader concerns that is a different matter but honestly wouldn't think twice otherwise. He's probably bored stuck in his bed recovering and not able to do much, writing a short email to clients might have kept him occupied.

Told me that I had so much trauma once weekly sessions were "not enough holding" for my issues and so encouraged me to come twice a week.

Now I feel he's encouraging a narrative of me not being able to cope without him on this break? Even though we agreed in advance how it would be managed (also, didn't signpost to or check out any other avenues of support for me which I would have thought we would have done in session if he was genuinely concerned?)

Actually just totally forgot our session quite recently and wasn't particularly apologetic - said he got distracted by his bike ride. Was quite dismissive about that?

At times I feel his 'challenge' has bordered on nasty - told me I sounded like a 'spoilt little girl' - I can take feedback and I listened to what he said. No one else in my life has every called me spoilt (actually much more of a people pleaser) so I don't think he was finding the courage to say sometning nobody else dares to, he just didn't like what I was saying so kind of, shamed me for it?

He used my name and referenced some personal things relating to me.

A friend also voiced misgivings about him. I think she felt like he might try to financially exploit me. Or that he is with biweekly sessions.

You said you were worried so he reassured you via email. Maybe he sent a similar email to all his clients. Or maybe just to the ones who seemed worried. I wouldn’t read into it any more than that.

It sounds like you aren’t comfortable with him, so move on. I agree that’s low boundaries for a therapist, but the main thing to listen to is your general gut insight.

There's a lot of red flags there, time for a new therapist.

Thanks, it is my gut mostly. But some things do stand out.

Maybe now is a good time to change.

He's also discouraged me from switching therapists. I wanted to try EMDR and he was quite certain I needed him and no one else.

Thing is, I feel I've been retraumatised to a certain extent by talking about it all but he insists that's must what happen. I'm not sure it's right for me.

I think you need to find a new therapist. I’ve had therapy and this sounds weird.

At first glance, you said you were worried about how you’d cope, he’s tried to reassure, all good. But. Sounds like you’re uncomfortable with him. So there’s your answer - perhaps time to stop. If you’re thinking about whether his boundaries are wrong across multiple sessions then your focus is not in the most helpful place for you. You could address this with him when he’s well enough to restart or you could look for someone else, or you could take a break from therapy.

Agree
None of what you have described is professional

Obviously don’t ignore any red flags.

but could it just be that he’s a workaholic that struggles to switch off, he’s got down time where he can’t do much else and so he’s taking that time (possibly still bored out of his mind in hospital) to message his regular clients. Also because he feels it may be adding to your worry to have a break in your therapy appointments so he’s trying to reassure you? Just a possible thought, but again if you’re concerned from other red flags then there could be more to it.

It's the way it's written as well. It's so unprofessional.

He's entitled it "hoppity" (I assume that's short for hospital?)

"Hi Putyourhandsintheair

Hospital's so boring I thought I would let you know my op went well and I seem to be making a speedy recovery.
Maybe that's just postop relief, but I feel pretty good for the day after.

Shall let you know when I'm back in bizz, and we can get back to working through the trauma from your family of origin and more"

Yes, I get he might be woozy but why has he taken his laptop and work contacts into hospital rather than getting someone else to send a generic message?

I feel like I'm his visitor with that message?

The biggest red flag for me is you saying he actively discouraged you from seeking another therapist.

It is important that you only see one therapist at a time. However, a therapist should also not feel conflicted about you seeking a change. That suggests to me he is not doing the self work required of the profession.

Definitely time for a new therapist.

”Actually just totally forgot our session quite recently and wasn't particularly apologetic - said he got distracted by his bike ride. Was quite dismissive about that?”

I’m sorry, this wasn’t ethical or ok, you deserve much much better. Time to fire him.

You can’t just be a workaholic and randomly email people when you’re a therapist. They are meant to follow ethical guidelines and have proper boundaries. This answer is not applicable or relevant for therapy.

Oh I forgot, the sessions often run ten or 15 minutes over but I never know when they will and when they won't and I actually find that quite disconcerting as I'm never quite sure how long I have?

I did not mean this to be a dripfeed in this way, I'm sorry. It's just the floodgates have opened now I feel really able to talk about the red flags. I don't feel I can talk to anyone in real life about this.

You can actually send a group email to a whole load of people that's individualised to them.

Every email from ds swim club says

dear weird,

we are inviting miniwieird to ....

Swimming club.

And because of gdpr you can't do it by putting everyone's email address in and sending a group now unless it's in-house work or something.

So it's possible it was a generic message with your name.

But I think your reaction to it perhaps means to you need to consider another therapist. And also if it's not an email sent via a database then he's also possibly getting too close.