Trigger warning- discussion about suicide
While I've had an awful couple of years, I realise far many of you will have been through much worse. I just want to acknowledge that.
I tend to ramble on so I'll try my best to condense my story. Three years ago during covid I lost my job which coincided with a horrific back injury. I was confined to bed some days. My partner and I were also locked down with a new born baby. I've suffered from major depression since I was 12 but it came in bouts. I was given very strong painkillers by the doctor and unfortunately got addicted to these and started abusing them because I was incredibly depressed. I wasn't sure if my pain would ever go away. I never, ever took them during the day though. I was dedicated to caring for my baby as much as i physically could alone (my partner went back to work a month later) I love my son more than anything in the world. But as soon as I put him down to sleep for the night I would abuse the prescription drugs - never enough to make me a total zombie, just drowsy and to stop feeling the torturous feelings in my head and back. My partner often had to get up to do night feeds (we were bottle feeding) I completely "lost" the real me in this horrible time and I hated myself for being the mother and partner I'd become.
So for myself but mostly for the sake of my family I went to rehab for a month. I saw my baby son twice briefly. It was awful and financially crippling but I got off all the prescription drugs and realised how much I'd damaged the relationship with my partner. I wanted to go home a new person and make reparations and give our family my everything, but halfway through rehab my partner announced he was leaving me. I arrived back to the empty home we'd once shared with my baby gone. He'd rented a flat and agreed to 50/50 custody. No court involved. But I was broken. There was no further support from the rehab place and I was unable to get any help on the NHS (for various reasons)
I come from a broken home and all I wanted for my child was 2 loving parents that stayed together. It's all I cared about. My son was 15 mths and I always masked my pain around him. We developed a wonderful bond which we still share now he's almost 4.
However, when he'd leave with his dad (we split the week in half) I had multiple mental breakdowns. I took a serious overdose and ended up in hospital (my son was on holiday for a week with his dad at the time). I tried to get help but was just told over and over (in not so many words I was a bad mother and there was no help for me just the threat of taking my son away) so I gave up trying to get help, too scared they’d take my son away. I was so ill I was unable to get out of bed, shower or eat. I lost 3 st in a few weeks, lost multiple friends cos they just gave up on me. One of my "ex" best friends reported me to social services when she found out about the overdose. She never called me once to ask how I was. That was the biggest betrayal I've ever dealt with, she then reported me to the DVLA for driving with a medical condition you're not supposed to drive with. I'd been put on a non-addictive painkiller for my back. She was wrong, I was able to drive but her complaint led to my driving licence being revoked for 6 months while they sorted it out. This isolated me further and makes me so full of resentment and rage I don't think I'll ever get past the betrayal. She was my son's godmother. She never admitted it was her but I have evidence it was. SS luckily were on my side, told me the complaint was malicious and historic and they had no concerns.
While many of you are probably thinking I must be a difficult person, I'm not. I never directly asked any of my friends for help, never argumentative, yes I isolate if I'm struggling and may take a while to respond to texts (when I used to get them) when I don't have my son, but in people's company I'm happy, fun-loving and engaged and those who helped me when I was ill I showed so much gratitude too. Sadly I was too ill for most of them to understand so they cut me out.
I don't really have any friends at all anymore. I have no support system nearby, my family live miles away and they don't understand depression, although my mum does love me, and will come down if I'm in a truly desperate state, even if she doesn't understand my disease, it is something I do really appreciate her for.
When I'm with my son I always make the effort to go to playgroups and do fun stuff no matter how I feel inside. I've made a few mum friends but "masking" how I feel inside is exhausting.
After an operation a year ago my back is almost fully recovered and I barely experience any pain anymore. Unfortunately though the demons in my head are still there constantly telling me I'm worthless, life is pointless and truly hating myself. I've tried 3 different types of antidepressants over the course of 10 years, none of which worked long-term. I can't remember what it feels like to be truly "ok" not happy, just ok, not pretending to be ok. My ex has just moved in with another woman with two kids and i often think, as my son is so young would it be wise to just duck out the picture now? Kill myself somewhere far away from here so that no one I love finds me. I don't see purpose to my life or hope anymore. I'm in my late 30s, I'm too old "to start again" and I can't move far from this town cos of my son, a town that I've begun to hate. The only thing that stops me doing it is the thought of him growing up without a mother and one day maybe knowing she killed herself. I just can't do that. So what do I do instead? I have no career (it's not the type you can go back to after years away), no support system, no friends. I only have my little boy. I live for him but that can't be healthy for either of us in the long-run.
I'm sorry this is so long so thanks for reading if you made it this far! While I appreciate answers like starting new clubs etc to make new friends I simply can't cope with that until my mental health improves a little. If anyone's had any "different/non-conventional" types of therapy I'd love to hear about those. Thanks again :)