Should I try to carry on trying to cope with no hope?

[Roxietrees]

Trigger warning- discussion about suicide

While I've had an awful couple of years, I realise far many of you will have been through much worse. I just want to acknowledge that.

I tend to ramble on so I'll try my best to condense my story. Three years ago during covid I lost my job which coincided with a horrific back injury. I was confined to bed some days. My partner and I were also locked down with a new born baby. I've suffered from major depression since I was 12 but it came in bouts. I was given very strong painkillers by the doctor and unfortunately got addicted to these and started abusing them because I was incredibly depressed. I wasn't sure if my pain would ever go away. I never, ever took them during the day though. I was dedicated to caring for my baby as much as i physically could alone (my partner went back to work a month later) I love my son more than anything in the world. But as soon as I put him down to sleep for the night I would abuse the prescription drugs - never enough to make me a total zombie, just drowsy and to stop feeling the torturous feelings in my head and back. My partner often had to get up to do night feeds (we were bottle feeding) I completely "lost" the real me in this horrible time and I hated myself for being the mother and partner I'd become.

So for myself but mostly for the sake of my family I went to rehab for a month. I saw my baby son twice briefly. It was awful and financially crippling but I got off all the prescription drugs and realised how much I'd damaged the relationship with my partner. I wanted to go home a new person and make reparations and give our family my everything, but halfway through rehab my partner announced he was leaving me. I arrived back to the empty home we'd once shared with my baby gone. He'd rented a flat and agreed to 50/50 custody. No court involved. But I was broken. There was no further support from the rehab place and I was unable to get any help on the NHS (for various reasons)

I come from a broken home and all I wanted for my child was 2 loving parents that stayed together. It's all I cared about. My son was 15 mths and I always masked my pain around him. We developed a wonderful bond which we still share now he's almost 4.

However, when he'd leave with his dad (we split the week in half) I had multiple mental breakdowns. I took a serious overdose and ended up in hospital (my son was on holiday for a week with his dad at the time). I tried to get help but was just told over and over (in not so many words I was a bad mother and there was no help for me just the threat of taking my son away) so I gave up trying to get help, too scared they’d take my son away. I was so ill I was unable to get out of bed, shower or eat. I lost 3 st in a few weeks, lost multiple friends cos they just gave up on me. One of my "ex" best friends reported me to social services when she found out about the overdose. She never called me once to ask how I was. That was the biggest betrayal I've ever dealt with, she then reported me to the DVLA for driving with a medical condition you're not supposed to drive with. I'd been put on a non-addictive painkiller for my back. She was wrong, I was able to drive but her complaint led to my driving licence being revoked for 6 months while they sorted it out. This isolated me further and makes me so full of resentment and rage I don't think I'll ever get past the betrayal. She was my son's godmother. She never admitted it was her but I have evidence it was. SS luckily were on my side, told me the complaint was malicious and historic and they had no concerns.

While many of you are probably thinking I must be a difficult person, I'm not. I never directly asked any of my friends for help, never argumentative, yes I isolate if I'm struggling and may take a while to respond to texts (when I used to get them) when I don't have my son, but in people's company I'm happy, fun-loving and engaged and those who helped me when I was ill I showed so much gratitude too. Sadly I was too ill for most of them to understand so they cut me out.

I don't really have any friends at all anymore. I have no support system nearby, my family live miles away and they don't understand depression, although my mum does love me, and will come down if I'm in a truly desperate state, even if she doesn't understand my disease, it is something I do really appreciate her for.

When I'm with my son I always make the effort to go to playgroups and do fun stuff no matter how I feel inside. I've made a few mum friends but "masking" how I feel inside is exhausting.

After an operation a year ago my back is almost fully recovered and I barely experience any pain anymore. Unfortunately though the demons in my head are still there constantly telling me I'm worthless, life is pointless and truly hating myself. I've tried 3 different types of antidepressants over the course of 10 years, none of which worked long-term. I can't remember what it feels like to be truly "ok" not happy, just ok, not pretending to be ok. My ex has just moved in with another woman with two kids and i often think, as my son is so young would it be wise to just duck out the picture now? Kill myself somewhere far away from here so that no one I love finds me. I don't see purpose to my life or hope anymore. I'm in my late 30s, I'm too old "to start again" and I can't move far from this town cos of my son, a town that I've begun to hate. The only thing that stops me doing it is the thought of him growing up without a mother and one day maybe knowing she killed herself. I just can't do that. So what do I do instead? I have no career (it's not the type you can go back to after years away), no support system, no friends. I only have my little boy. I live for him but that can't be healthy for either of us in the long-run.

I'm sorry this is so long so thanks for reading if you made it this far! While I appreciate answers like starting new clubs etc to make new friends I simply can't cope with that until my mental health improves a little. If anyone's had any "different/non-conventional" types of therapy I'd love to hear about those. Thanks again :)

Hi sorry you are feeling so bad. In my view and just based on what you have said it sounds like you are going to need to process not getting the life you thought you would get and that involves feeling the feelings - anger, grief - and not medicating them away or trying to shut yourself up. To do that you will need support. Can you access counselling? Would you consider 12 step self help groups?

Thank you @Objectrelations for your reply. I thought 12 step groups were just for people with drug and alcohol problems? (Which of course mental health is a huge part of too) but I am clean now, I’m just suffering hugely with feelings of deep anger, despair, resentment, depression and worthlessness but if there are 12 steps that address with directly I’d be very interested

You have been through so much. I juat wanted to say that I admire you for everything you have done for your much loved little boy and how you have kept going in unimaginably hard circumstances. I wouldnt focus on the long term at them moment, you are living for him and thats ok as by the time hes 10 or 15 or 29 life will be different and could well be bright and lovely for you.
I only live for my little children at the moment, without any friends, or love from anywhere. I carry on in the hope that the future will be better and take my strength from loving them in the here and now.

I'm sorry you've had to go through all this- it sounds really tough and it's understandable that you have times when everything feels overwhelming and hopeless. I'm glad that your DS is a protective factor for you.

On medication, I also didn't have much success on antidepressants but am now treated with a low dose anti-psychotic instead and that really has been effective for me. I have never experienced psychosis, it's used as a mood-leveller. It may be something you could ask about.

You mention that you're too old to 'start again' but you're really not. Is there something that you would like to make a career out of or just something that interests you? There are loads of free online courses that could get you started and offer a distraction. The OU has some degree level courses but there are lots of other options.

Are you able to get outside and exercise? Just walking can be enough. Personally, I swim alot. I set myself a length target and count down. In order to keep track, it's difficult to think of anything else and becomes quite a mindful activity.

Tbh, as PP said, it sounds like you might benefit from counselling or some other talking therapy that will help you to process everything that's happened. The anger, despair and resentment need an outlet. When I was in hospital earlier this year, I wrote/brain stormed all the reasons I was angry. I covered 2 pages and by the end I was sobbing my way through it. It was a cathartic exercise in itself but it also gave me something to work through with my therapist. Maybe try writing some things down? Writing letters that you don't actually send can be helpful.

Also, do you have the local contact numbers for your mental health crisis services wherever you are? There are national helplines but it's worth investigating your local offer. We have a helpline which offers 'crisis safe space' appointments by phone or in person, usually on the day you call the helpline. The appointments are 90 minutes and can be really helpful if you're struggling to cope.

I hope you find something that helps you.

@Roxietrees that's good you are clean that's amazing. I go to ACA which is 12 step programme for people who had alcoholic or dysfunctional families.
www.adultchildrenofalcoholics.co.uk

I know you said your mum has been there for you but doesn't understand your depression which makes it sound like you feel the relationship is ok, but it is worth considering whether your upbringing has inadvertently made you struggle to feel ok about you're
self, relate to people, self regulate or tend towards high conflict stressful situations.

Can you study for something you’d like to work as? Hairdresser, gardener, marketing, whatever you want really! This could give you a purpose outside of your son. I agree that getting outside and exercising as much as possible, and counselling for your anger would be good. It’s ok to be angry as you’ve had a really rough time. But you need to let go now. Please stay strong for your son and your mum.

@Maysurvive thank you very much for your message (sadly it was the mental health crisis line in my area that basically told me there was no hope for my pain and I better get better or my son could be taken off me) so I no longer trust NHS mental health services. But I’m very interested in talking to you about the low dose anti-pyschotic you are on esp if you say antidepressants have never worked for you in the past. Could I DM you maybe? (tomorrow sometime). I’ve been on zopiclone for over a year and it worked at first but now I think it has zero effect. But I’ve heard it’s one of the hardest drugs to come off so i’m a bit terrified of coming off it 😬

I feel for you so much.
it’s so so good that you have reached out for help.

there is some really good advice here already x

I have been in a similar place in the past, so I couldn’t not share what ended up being helpful for me.
I had tried ‘everything’- all the therapy, alternative treatments, modalities. And spent a lot of money in the process.

For me personally the only thing that helped was understanding more about how my mind and feelings actually work, so that I wasn’t at the mercy of feeling I had to act on my suicidal thoughts. And that in fact underneath all that awful dark thinking and feeling, there was still health and hope.

I worked with a therapist Lily Sais (she has lots of free resources online too) and if you like podcasts, one called Psychology has it Backwards helped me hugely (you have to start from the first episode). I know this reply is very specific and self referential, so my apologies for that. But I wanted to share just in case either of those suggestions resonate.

Hello Roxietrees, we are really sorry to hear you have had such a struggle this past while.

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources.
You can also go to the Samaritans website, or email them on [email protected]. Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.

We also like to remind everyone that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster, emotionally or financially, than they can afford to spare.

Sending love and hoping that you are able to take comfort from your fellow MNers.

@Roxietrees Sorry you got let down by your local services. I have to admit my experience has been mixed. Feel free to DM and ask any questions.

Firstly OP after all you have been through you are still here. To anyone who has lost a loved one or a friend to suicide, all of us wish we could bring that person back.
The love you have for your son is amazing and wonderful.
Getting off painkillers is a really battle but there is a reason why they go beyond helping physical pain. They dull mental anguish. Even though your body may have healed a bit, you are still carrying that mental pain with you.
I know NA (Narcotics Anonymous) might feel
like it doesn’t fit - as we tend to associate it with illegal
drugs - more and more people who have used prescription meds attend. You can go to an online meeting to start with if that helps. But going to a meeting in person, being able to connect with others, and hearing hopeful stories matters. Having a safe space where no one judges you at all would be a huge help, I think.
For someone who is so down on themselves, I think you have explained what’s happened to you and how you feel very well. You have a lot to offer the world, but you can’t see it now.
When we feel so isolated we can’t even begin to see the value of helping others. Perhaps going to a meeting, getting involved, and sharing your story might help someone else.
If you want to hear more about trauma and our feelings have a look at Dr Gabor Mate. His stuff is really helpful.
Try and attend a meeting online or in person. Take time small step. You deserve to live OP, and your son deserves his mum.