Tired of not being my true self

[Ifthisiswheretheworldisheadingcountmeout]

I'm currently struggling with how to process something and can't afford therapy at the moment, so I'm hoping this is a supportive forum.

I'm naturally friendly and outgoing. I enjoy meeting new people, breaking the ice, and making everyone feel welcome. I see this as a strength and admire others who are similarly lively and engaging. However, the world doesn't always share this view. My enthusiasm often stems from a need for comfort in social situations, as silence makes me uneasy, probably because it's been used against me in the past.

Throughout my life, my chatty and proactive nature hasn't been well-received by those closest to me. My family nicknamed me "Little Miss Chatterbox" in a teasing way, my school reports always suggested I should be quieter, I had babysitters laughing between themselves because they were timing how short my silences were, and I overheard university housemates calling me fake for being so friendly. At work, I've been labelled as a "try-hard" in exit interviews for always volunteering first. Now, as a part-time working mum, my active involvement at the school gates and community activities seems to rub some people the wrong way. I'm seen as "too much," even though I participate because I enjoy being helpful and engaged (plus I have the time as I only work a few days a week).

These experiences have made me shrink myself over time. I've learned to hold back, remain quiet, and wait for others to take the lead. But this feels like I'm diminishing who I am just to be more acceptable to others.

Recently, a comment in a group I joined before Christmas triggered a flood of old insecurities. After missing a session, someone remarked on how quiet it had been without me. While they likely didn't mean it unkindly, it brought up a lot of pain from past criticisms.

I'm at a crossroads: being my true self seems to alienate people, but trying to tone down my personality makes me unhappy. Although these days I thrive in my professional role, outside of work, I've never found a group that truly appreciates me for who I am. I'm also constantly battling to find a balance as I'm worried if I don't tone myself down then I won't be thriving for long. It feels like I'm the odd one out, and I'm tired of feeling like I don't belong. How can I find a balance? What should I do?

Don’t compromise who you are for other people. Those making snide comments have their own insecurities and are probably jealous of your positive personality. FWIW you sound like a lovely person.

I understand the sentiment, and see how hard it would be in your shoes. However, don't we all compromise little parts of our authentic selves to all rub along together? We filter our thoughts so as not to offend, we make jokes we think one group would like in one setting, which wouldn't be OK in another, with different people.

If people are finding you overbearing, you might be in the way of others having their voices heard, or taking opportunities. Part of being out in society is reading the room, trying to balance your own needs and wants with others', and generally getting on together. I think you need to find a space where your authentic self is treasured, which might enable you to feel better about simmering down when with others?

I hope this doesn't hurt your feelings, it is written in kindness.

Reading this I seem to have found a kindred spirit! Also labelled as a chatterbox from an early age and someone who participates wholeheartedly in everything, I have suffered a lifetime of people knocking the joyful stuffing out of me.
I hope someone can offer some decent advice. I have had counselling about this, to be told that I need no one’s validation and to continue being me. But it just doesn’t sit well with everyone. I do have my “people” albeit a few.

It's tricky and you sound nice. But if I was my true self in all situations I'd be sacked, divorced and without friends. Unfortunately it's a fact of life that we do need to moderate our behaviour to get along with others.
The fact that you are receiving similiar feedback from so many quarters means that you do likely need to make a bit of adjustment. Bubbly and lively is great - but do you although others turn to speak etc. My Mum is lively and fun but she can talk so much other people don't get a chance which isn't great. Allow other people chance to volunteer too. Gently hold back a bit. You might find by doing this things improve.

I'm sure you bring joy and vivacious excitement to lots of situations and make people smile. You will be the person friends call on to cheer them up.

But. A poster above has nailed it about compromise. We ALL are compromising in group situations to make it the most pleasant for everyone. There will be someone in a group who struggles to make themselves heard. They might have a great idea, but there's no gap for them to voice it. What if there was another person in the group whose true self was to share everything - how would that work with two of you?

I think it's important to choose a life partner you can be yourself with, but group situations are about compromise.

My enthusiasm often stems from a need for comfort in social situations, as silence makes me uneasy, probably because it's been used against me in the past.

That's the bit you need to think about/work on (without changing the basic nature of your personality). When and why, and by whom, was silence used against you?

My mother mainly, my grandmother and sister to a lesser extent. If they went quiet on you it was time to worry. There's a strength in saying little or nothing at times, and power in withholding yourself and your affection through withdrawing your voice. They use it in ways I still couldn't even properly articulate. I've had a lot of therapy about it. But even now if there's an evening where my (very understanding and wonderful) spouse is pensive and quiet I have to tell myself he's not doing it as a power play. People are allowed to be silent, there can be beauty in companionable silence. I am learning.

Thank you for the responses. I do appreciate there are appropriate times and spaces to compromise. For example I wouldn't charge into a book group or yoga class with the same energy as Zumba. I went on a hen do recently for a woman I know to be reserved (as well as all her bridesmaids being very shy people) and I was prepping myself for weeks to go in cautiously and expect people to be overwhelmed by someone like me. I do try. I just wish there was a group where I could be myself without exception. My spouse is wonderful, as are my children, but I've been burned so many times in a multitude of social or familial situations that I am so scared to be myself now. Starting the school journey (ds is in reception ) and having the feedback hit me already that I'm too much despite my best efforts to tone it down, and now this feedback from another social group has just really hurt. I haven't been back to the group in the 3 weeks since it happened and my anxiety at the school gates is through the roof. I don't know how to tone it down further without just not engaging with people at all. Have just been keeping my head down and getting in and out. I can't wait for the holidays when it's just the four of us and I don't have to worry that I'm going to do or say something wrong. Honestly it was like a switch has flipped and the dominoes have tumbled. Every time I think about it I'm in tears. Have been robust about who I am for 30 years, and managing to make changes without being sad about it for at least 15...but suddenly I'm a mess.

I think sometimes you do need to rein it in if you don't want to alienate you. I was recently invited to meet a new group of people and they were all lovely until one person arrived and that was the end of conversation. She barely drew breath. If I arrange another meet up I certainly wouldn't invite her as she dominated the conversation.

Despite all the therapy there's still a part of your subconscious mind that associates silence with fear or trepidation. It is possible to unlearn this thought pattern, because it's no longer necessary or appropriate and is taking away from your happiness rather than (as it was created to do) protecting you.

@Eyesopenwideawake absolutely there's still some resonance of that there. I do usually however really value that I'm not afraid to break the ice in new social situations, approach people, make friends etc. Whilst also appreciating there's a skill in making space for others to talk and that confidence can become overbearing. I know never to interrupt for example, and mostly I spend time asking questions and inviting others into conversation rather than just monologuing. I believe I am good at listening and love stories. Since I was about 20 (so 17 years) when the people I considered to be my best friends at uni started to accuse me of being fake and false, I have been learning to be quieter, less bouncy, to pause, to not say everything on my mind, to allow a room to sit in silence and appreciate that it's not awkward for everyone.

I can appreciate that my fear of silence is one factor, but starting a new school journey (through DS) and wanting to be an active part of the community by joining the PTA, helping on the school trips etc and 6 months in having people (friends!) say 'Oh of course you'd be on the list, making the rest of us look bad again', or the comment from the social group about me being the loud one seems to have been one straw too many. As @NomadAlone and @MeOldBamboo have said I've tried to continue without seeking validation, whilst also be mindful that these comments have followed me for multiple decades. I have been told countless times (in therapy) that's a 'them' thing not a me thing but I am the constant denominator in my own story so it's hard not to see the pattern and trend. Even if there's a potential that they were meant in a kindly way, this latest round of comments seems to have opened some sort of flood gate for years of suppressed emotion. It's shaken the very core of me. It's brought up memories of things that have happened when I was 5, 9, 14, 19/20, 22, 26, 28. It has made me feel so uncomfortable about returning to the group/talking to people on the school run. There's something that needs to be processed and understood. Just not sure where on earth to start. Wish I wasn't so blooming broke :(

Apologies if that wasn't very coherent, wrote it whilst refereeing the smalls

Thing is op, there's nothing wrong with everything you've said about all the positive qualities you have. But - BUT! are you paying any attention to whoever it is you're interacting with, or is it all about you, and the person you're interacting with is merely a sentient object to display your skills on/to/for?

It's not about shutting up in general or making yourself small in general - there's no need to do that.

It is about meeting someone where they are. So if someone is a bit quiet, or stands back from you a little, maybe they don't like you, maybe they are having the most hideous day and found out their husband has betrayed them or that their mother has terminal cancer or whatever. And you're bouncing up to them, deciding you're going to do whatever you do. Maybe if you notice that they are a bit quiet, you might give them a bit of space, just a pause. Maybe they'll tell you what's going on, maybe they won't but at least you won't be making them feel even more overwhelmed by firing on all cheerful cylinders at them.

Take it down a notch or two until you've ascertained whether that particular interaction merits you being at maximum level, that's all. There will still be plenty of opportunities where the qualities you have will be useful, and you might even make some genuine friends.

I think it’s a matter of accepting that for some people you will be ‘too much’ - and that’s just a compatibility issue. Neither they nor you are wrong. We can’t all like everyone.

There is a mum at my DC’s school who is very outgoing and overwhelmingly talkative, and doesn’t read social cues very well. She’s clearly a well-meaning person - but it is very difficult to maintain any personal boundaries around time and space with her, and this does end up feeling oppressive and intrusive to me, rather than friendly and bubbly.

I absolutely wouldn’t want her to have to change who she is. I also do not accept that my not enjoying her company is a ‘me issue’ - in the sense that I must have some sort of problem. She’s just not someone I want to be friends with, and that’s OK. We can’t all be friends with everyone. I wish her no ill, and I assume she has other people in her life who welcome her interpersonal style.

My mum is like this. She herself admits it's a nervous thing. I was always hung up on being too quiet. You can't win sometimes

I’m afraid you need to compromise to coexist.

I have a diagnosis of Asperger’s so can sympathise with how difficult it is to fit in.

But the bottom line is that you can’t compel people to like you so if the choice is between ‘being your true self’ and people liking you, you have to make this choice. Most people compromise and also accept they aren’t everyone’s cup of tea.

I don’t actually think you aren’t liked, people notice and comment on your character traits, it doesn’t mean they don’t like you.

Im probably not the best person to comment though, considering my own shortcomings when it comes to interacting with others ;)

It doesn't have to cost a fortune or take ages to fix this. Happy to chat by DM if you like.

I think you sound great OP. Some of the comments will be a result of others insecurity and feeling intimidated by your joie de vivre! .
I am imagining you as a toned down version of Meg in Motherland !

I am imagining Miss Bates in Emma.

Yes. “Badly done, Emma. Badly done”

Kindly, your replies so far read like you’re not really taking other people’s comments on board.

No one can truly “be themselves”. We all have to adjust to social situations.

Interacting with people who fill every silence can be - overwhelming, intrusive, irritating, invalidating, oppressive, completely crush the confidence of people who are more shy and need a silence before they feel confident to take their turn speaking. It can leave people feeling unheard.

You seem to be thinking quite a lot about how this makes you feel, which is fine. But maybe focus more on how your approach makes other people feel. It’s not about “changing yourself”. It can be about being considerate to others.

A conversation should be about truly listening to what the other person is saying, and not just waiting for your turn to speak. Turn your outlook outward a bit. Starting being interested in what other people have to say, and give them the space to say it.

I agree with the PPs about being mindful of others but perhaps you haven't found the tribe where you can really be yourself?
Do you have time for hobbies? Have you ever tried participating in a drama club? It seems that would suit you. Or a debate club? Maybe a book club?
When you finally find the right group of people it can be so enriching. I found my tribe at about age 45 and since then I have felt validated and appreciated for who I am, all quirks included ! Good luck.

Is there anyone in the mum's group you can confide in? Go for a coffee with them and ask if you have overstepped. You might find out that in fact they enjoy your personality. Or that most of them do, but you have accidentally trodden on someone's toes socially speaking, because they used to take that position in the group (always stepping up first).
If that's too hard to do, just try volunteering yourself less often. Reining yourself in a bit instead of withdrawing altogether.
You could be worrying over nothing.
I'm in a WhatsApp group of volunteers, and we always tease each other in this way. It's a lovely friendly group and we all support each other. The teasing is actually a sign of how well we all get on.

I am sorry to hear about your life-long struggle to be accepted for who you are- it rings a bell. I have become a lot more confident and happier since I started practicing Buddhism 13 years ago. I am posting a link to one of the essays explaining a profound Buddhist concept in simple words. You can find more on Buddhist movement in Great Britain on SGI-UK website.
www.sokaglobal.org/resources/study-materials/buddhist-study/the-wisdom-for-creating-happiness-and-peace/chapter-6-1.html

Hey @Wormfanclub thank you for your comment. Would you be kind enough to outline where I'm not taking the comments on board? There have been several about making space for others not bouncing into anothers space, pausing, listening etc which I have tried to reflect on when saying things like '...appreciating there's a skill in making space for others to talk and that confidence can become overbearing. I know never to interrupt for example, and mostly I spend time asking questions and inviting others into conversation rather than just monologuing. I believe I am good at listening and love stories. Since I was about 20 (so 17 years) when the people I considered to be my best friends at uni started to accuse me of being fake and false, I have been learning to be quieter, less bouncy, to pause, to not say everything on my mind, to allow a room to sit in silence and appreciate that it's not awkward for everyone.' . Perhaps I should have replied to everyone individually rather than in a sweeping statement? I do not mean to seem like I am not taking the advice when people have taken time out of their day to offer guidance and kind words.

It's tough sometimes to explain everything in a forum like this without each comment becoming a dissertation, but when I say I love stories, asking questions, inviting others into conversation it's because I'm genuinely interested in learning more about them. When I say about 'allowing a room to sit in silence and appreciate it isn't awkward for everyone' it's 100% with the consideration that some people need that silence and space before they open up and take a turn to speak as you've mentioned. I mentioned in an earlier comment that before embarking on a hen do with a group of people I expected to be more reserved than me (based on my knowledge of the main bridal party) I mentally prepped myself for weeks on how to be considerate to the fact that I might be overwhelming. I genuinely practiced how to blend in, I went over scenarios in my head about how I might end up in a room where noone was talking and it wasn't my responsibility to break that silence or fill the gaps in conversation. However I am very much guilty of waiting my turn to speak, and fully engaging my brain in what the other person is saying/thinking about what to say which will keep the topic on them and not turn it to me has been something I've been very much aware that needs work for the past decade or so. I'm much better than I was, and always open to continue to practice and improve.