Tired of not being my true self

[Ifthisiswheretheworldisheadingcountmeout]

I'm currently struggling with how to process something and can't afford therapy at the moment, so I'm hoping this is a supportive forum.

I'm naturally friendly and outgoing. I enjoy meeting new people, breaking the ice, and making everyone feel welcome. I see this as a strength and admire others who are similarly lively and engaging. However, the world doesn't always share this view. My enthusiasm often stems from a need for comfort in social situations, as silence makes me uneasy, probably because it's been used against me in the past.

Throughout my life, my chatty and proactive nature hasn't been well-received by those closest to me. My family nicknamed me "Little Miss Chatterbox" in a teasing way, my school reports always suggested I should be quieter, I had babysitters laughing between themselves because they were timing how short my silences were, and I overheard university housemates calling me fake for being so friendly. At work, I've been labelled as a "try-hard" in exit interviews for always volunteering first. Now, as a part-time working mum, my active involvement at the school gates and community activities seems to rub some people the wrong way. I'm seen as "too much," even though I participate because I enjoy being helpful and engaged (plus I have the time as I only work a few days a week).

These experiences have made me shrink myself over time. I've learned to hold back, remain quiet, and wait for others to take the lead. But this feels like I'm diminishing who I am just to be more acceptable to others.

Recently, a comment in a group I joined before Christmas triggered a flood of old insecurities. After missing a session, someone remarked on how quiet it had been without me. While they likely didn't mean it unkindly, it brought up a lot of pain from past criticisms.

I'm at a crossroads: being my true self seems to alienate people, but trying to tone down my personality makes me unhappy. Although these days I thrive in my professional role, outside of work, I've never found a group that truly appreciates me for who I am. I'm also constantly battling to find a balance as I'm worried if I don't tone myself down then I won't be thriving for long. It feels like I'm the odd one out, and I'm tired of feeling like I don't belong. How can I find a balance? What should I do?

Hey @27Bumblebees thank you for your comment. As a rule I do try to assume most comments here are written in kindness, or at least I am yet to be on the receiving end of the more vicious side of mumsnet. Thank you for taking the time to write me a reply. I'm reading the comments and processing them all.

(ps where are the bees now and did you really count them to know there are 27?!)

I'm so sorry you've had the stuffing knocked out of you, it's not a fun experience. Hurrah to you for getting validation to be you and finding your people. Thank you for sharing part of your journey here xx

In my logical mind, I believe the recent comments were meant kindly, perhaps in a teasing manner like you have experienced. However, they've stirred up past insecurities, which has really thrown me. Reflecting on the feedback here, I think I've come to some realisations this evening.

Right now, I am the safest I've ever been. My home is a supportive environment where we can all be our authentic selves without judgment. My husband sees me at my worst and still chooses me every day, a feeling I've never experienced before. Previous relationships, whether family, friends, professional or romantic have felt conditional. My children haven't yet reached the age where they criticise me, so I feel nurtured and secure at home for the first time in my life.

Additionally, I am valued at work. My big personality often helps get things done effectively. Even when I'm not the best fit for certain tasks, this is communicated in a kind and constructive way, so I never feel threatened or take it personally. Our team works well because we each bring different strengths to the table.

Perhaps this sense of contentment is allowing old traumas to surface and demand recognition. These recent comments have come from warm, welcoming, and kind people, and I didn't want to believe they were meant to hurt. Maybe they have simply triggered a Pandora's box of past experiences which I am able to acknowledge now that I am in a place of safety and relative strength. This would help explain why it's these comments which have felt so traumatising when other examples from my past have been far worse/from people with far more weight in my world and yet I was able to move past them. I've been sat here reading these comments, and realising that for years I've been holding back a huge part of myself and keeping people at arms length whilst simultaneously trying to do all the things that would make people like me (offer to help, volunteer my time, try and alleviate awkwardness). I said earlier that I do wait my turn to speak in conversation, however not because I like the sound of my own voice, but more because I'm desperately trying to think of what I can say that will be the 'right' thing. I can see now how that person would seem disingenuous. In fact, they have been entirely correct to call me fake. Only honestly it was so deep rooted I have even been fooling myself. I could write double this length, but I want to sit with it a bit, and reflect. It feels like new ground.

Blimey mumsnet. I honestly didn't think this is where this thread was going to go. Sorry if some of this seems to be a bit hollywood. Genuinely feel like I'm having a revelation over here.

Hey thank you for your comment. Would you be kind enough to outline where I'm not taking the comments on board?

The examples you give above is kind of what I mean. You started the thread saying you’re really chatty, you’ve always been told you’re a chatterbox, people have said your “too much” etc. Then when posters reply useful perspectives like:

There will be someone in a group who struggles to make themselves heard. They might have a great idea, but there's no gap for them to voice it.

You reply like:

I know never to interrupt for example, and mostly I spend time asking questions and inviting others into conversation.

So which is it? Either you know not to interrupt, and always invite other people into a conversation, which is all the hallmarks of a good conversationalist, and everyone’s reaction to you through life is just out of nowhere, completely unjustified. Or you do tend to dominate conversation, perhaps not give others a turn to speak, and the people around you struggle with it.

You centred the post around “why can’t I be myself, why do I have to tone myself down?” rather than maybe the more useful framework of thinking how others are feeling.

I think another poster has mentioned the importance of time and place. Most people can be very bubbly and outgoing when relaxing with close friends of an evening. But on the school run at 8am when they’re just rushing to work, or at a school-organised event that they don’t really want to be at, might not appreciate that level of dominating chatter. I assume this is why uni housemates branded you “fake” - not that you are! More that most people can’t keep up that level of bubbly outgoing-ness 24/7, so it will be assumed you are faking it.

If someone (eg school mum, colleague) never showed me the grumpy, quieter side of themselves, when they’re just tired, having a bad day, can’t be arsed, I would probably start to suspect that person was insincere.

Hi op. I don't think you need to change yourself fundamentally! When I used to host a lot, I was really grateful for guests who were prepared to make the effort and "earn their dinner" as it were. Far preferable to inviting people who sit there and eat drink and don't speak one sentence to their neighbours at the table or show the slightest interest in anyone else! It's great that you are friendly and engaging and prepared to put yourself out there.

The only difficulty I can see with this, is when you say;

"My enthusiasm often stems from a need for comfort in social situations, as silence makes me uneasy, probably because it's been used against me in the past"

which might indicate that, for the best of reasons, you are filling the silence because of your own nervousness, and I hope this doesn't sound rude, but people can probably sense that, and it might come across as a bit false, because you are saying something for the sake of filling a pause, rather than out of honest interest.

I think all you need to do is stay the same and relax a bit. Count to five before interjecting. Try breathing deeply instead of rushing in and speaking. Just learn to live with the awkward pauses a bit. You can get better at this with practice. It's much easier to have to stop yourself from leading the conversation all of the time compared with going blank and never knowing what to say, so you are already half way there.

And don't be too harsh on yourself. We all have different strengths and weaknesses and don't have to confirm to a particular "type". How boring life would be if we were all the same. Society needs extroverts and introverts and everything in between.

Also I find it interesting that I’ve often read threads from the perspective of someone who is struggling with a conversationally dominating person in their life - often an older mother down the phone, or sometimes a school mum or someone in a book club etc. So it’s really interesting to read the other side of it.

My mother always has to fill a silence. Often with incessant, pointless questioning. It’s quite smothering. I adore her, but can only spend shorter bursts with her. You can actually see the more introverted members of our family shrink into themselves when they’re around her. There’s nothing at all wrong with companionable silence. Let peoples brains rest. Let someone else start the conversation sometimes.

When I did sales training (don't knock it, it's just amped-up social skills) one of the hardest things for trainees to learn was titled "SHUT UP!" Having learned how to guide a conversation, how to engage the person's interest and to nurture enthusiasm, we understood that it all hinged on asking the right questions at the right time. The difficult part was waiting for a reply.

We wanted to make encouraging noises, to remind them of something they'd said earlier, maybe even to tell them how to respond. In role play, trainers would make salespeople wait for ten minutes or longer. This very rarely happens in practice; almost never in everyday talk. But it can. Some people are deep thinkers. More usually in a group, somebody else will hop in to break a silence. Would this bother you?

You could try counting to five or ten after asking any question. Also, make sure you aren't supplying the answer to any question you ask! Leave room for others to have their own opinions, worries, and to go off at tangents.

It's also worth reiterating that NOBODY is liked by everyone. It's never happened in the entire history of the world. You're allowed to dislike people, too!

In the same way as people are telling you that nobody can be universally liked, I think perhaps posters could remember that their advice won't be universally helpful or welcome. Criticising someone because they haven't accepted your advice or engaged with it in the way you wanted is pretty self-focused.

Starting the school journey (ds is in reception ) and having the feedback hit me already that I'm too much despite my best efforts to tone it down, and now this feedback from another social group has just really hurt.

Op, your hurt came across to me clearly in this comment and to me your posts don't come across as you railing against or blaming others - it reads like someone with perhaps old deep wounds that keep being pricked and opened up again.

It's natural to hurt if you feel that no matter how hard you work to be accepted that you continue to be rejected for who you are. You have clearly spent a long time putting in a huge amount of effort in trying to "compromise" and adapt. It's natural to feel hurt that no matter how much you try to meet other people's needs, you still get rejected or judged for who you are.

I wonder if some of this ongoing hurt is less about needing yet more work on your social "compromising" skills but more about finding ways to heal the old wound (trauma?) that is making these situations so painful. And so you can accept and comfort yourself.

Finding "your tribe" as another poster put it might help that process. It's easier to feel you are good enough when you have more experiences of being accepted. It's soothing. Random mums on school run is unlikely to be that place.

You mentioned lack of funds for therapeutic support (and tbh the ones you've referenced sounded like perhaps they weren't trauma informed or were a bit more problem solving rather than the comforting/containing you needed).

There is a decent and growing body of evidence that a specific type of "yoga" for trauma can help people heal and find peace without that constant hurt of an old wound being activated. The book "overcoming trauma through yoga" by David Emerson and Elizabeth Hopper is an easy and practical read, so might be worth checking out. It's not really exercise/meditation, it's more about learning to feel safe connecting with your body, your emotions and yourself.

https://www.northatlanticbooks.com/shop/overcoming-trauma-through-yoga/

https://www.traumasensitiveyoga.com/

Thanks for explaining. I can see now I have used poor language. I am not the most articulate person and struggle sometimes to communicate the nuances complicated feeling. Perhaps I should have said I am a natural chatter, however through many years of feedback and (imo) negative experiences I have learned to tone it down. I now consider myself to be someone who is practised at holding space and engaging with others. In fact these days I enter most social situations incredibly cautiously as I assume people will not like me and I'm trying to avoid that right from the get go. I am often now incredibly nervous entering new situations and put the level of thought and practice into them that I mentioned on the hen do. This feels crazy as in my heart I am still the bubbly, confident person who would bound in and be friendly, but I don't want to F** it up again so I am careful.

Also, not something you could ever know from this one thread but I have also had to learn that it's perfectly acceptable to think about things in terms of myself and my feelings and not at all healthy to spend the bulk of my energy thinking of others and making allowances for them. It's a boundary I have had to learn as I have an unhealthy tendency to people please. This post being centred around my own feelings is something my previous therapist would have openly applauded.

@Wormfanclub *not the most articulate person when talking about myself, especially on forums like this.

I think you are doing a wonderful of job of trying to explain what's going on for you. Mumsnet being what it is, not everyone is going to "get" what you are saying, however well you describe it.
I think though, that everyone is trying to be helpful, even when the points of view are very different. That's pretty unusual lately, so hopefully there's plenty of food for thought even if you ultimately decide that some of it doesn't apply in your case.

Yes everyone has been very gentle and I'm so appreciative of peoples time. Much food for thought, some encouraging words and some probing ones. Has been a very useful thread in many ways. Thank you everyone <3

Hey OP, I agree with your therapists. I completely understand why the comments about things being quiet without you have detailed you from what you have described from your history, but this feels like really important learning to understand that none of these people were present in your childhood. They are coming from a completely different place. Just as you have recognised your husband isn't weaponising silence, neither are these women weaponising your absence. This is triggering your past but the work is internal to you, it has nothing to do with these other people.
I am a quiet person and I would love for someone to say they had noticed my absence, I very rarely get that, so to me it feels like a massive compliment that people were essentially saying you were missed. Or that is how I heard it anyway.
The stuff about how much your volunteer and put yourself forward is, quite frankly, heartwarming and positive and I am strongly opposed to you quieting down your light. If people don't like it, let them jog on. You be you. Your children are fortunate to have a mother like you, self aware and (mostly) unafraid to be herself.

Think of social interaction like a game, people are playing where they all have different objectives. One person's objective is just to be in the game. Another person wants everyone in the game to have a good time. Another person wants everyone to be playing another game. And another person wants the game to not be a game at all, they want it to be serious. So, you quickly see that there's really no point analysing it because everyone is playing their own game. All that you can really aim for in social interaction for it to be successful is for all the participants to feel good about themselves - kind of 'I am OK and you are OK' - mentality. For that to happen you have to feel OK about yourself first. And they have to feel comfortable interacting in their way.