TW. Feeling shite and a bit like I don’t want to be here.

[Iwrotethelyricstoaxlf]

I don’t want to be here anymore

Every day is a fight. Every day is a struggle. Every day I am told that what I do is t good enough.

My husband gas lights me. My daughter steals from me, hits me and throws things at me.

If I say I can’t cope my husband points out that he owns the house, I only work part time and that if I want more of a say I should work harder.

I would love to, but I’ve got a chronic illness that gets in the way. I’ve nearly died 3 times in the 20+ years we’ve been together.

If I had the earning capacity id be gone. I can’t live like this endlessly.

I pay all insurances and food bills, fund most of the holidays and pay for our daughter’s hobbies.

I feel broken. I am broken.

If I go away for a weekend I’m told how much nicer and calmer it is if I’m not there (reader he sets no boundaries and it’s a free for all when I’m away)

In short. I hate my life.

I’d quite happily not be here, there enough prescription meds for me to make that happen.

But I won’t. I’ll carry on. Hating life. Wishing I were stronger.

There is no unreasonable in this. Just a pouring of words and feelings.

I’m saving, slowly and I will leave. And I will be me again.

Firstly I am so, so sorry you are feeling this way, it sounds absolutely awful.

I think starting getting together some savings is a brilliant idea, but there is more that you can do and other places where you can gain some support to help with how you are feeling right here and now.

Do you have any friends and family around you to start with?

Jesus no wonder you feel broken.
I hope you have a trusted friend you can confide in.
Hopefully someone that's been in your situation can offer advice.

I’m trying. I will get there.

This is more a record for me realising I’m pretty much rock bottom.

I can get out and I will.

it might take a while. But I will get there.

Waking up sad is not good.

My friends would be shocked, my family probably less so.

Once I’ve got a concrete plan then I’ll go.

Sometimes you have to hit rock bottom to know that the only way is up and that you need to put a plan in place to get there.

If you can confide in a friend I would, even just as a sounding board, even if you don’t need them to do anything but listen. It sounds like you don’t get listened to much at home.

Hello OP, we are really sorry to hear you are feeling this way.
We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources: www.mumsnet.com/webguide/mental-health. You can also go to the Samaritans website: www.samaritans.org or email them on [email protected].
Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.
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We are going to move this thread to the Mental Health section shortly.

Put the holiday and hobby money into your savings. You'll get out that much faster.

The things they are saying to you aren’t real. They aren’t the truth. They are saying those things because they are either shit people and are trying to grind you down, or they have massive issues and are taking it out on you.

And you bloody are strong. You’ve got a plan. And even if that plan is only working towards having a plan to escape right now; you’re still working towards it. That takes guts and determination. You haven’t just laid down and accepted it. You’re fighting back, even if they don’t realise it yet.

You need support. You need a benefits advisor to help you work out what you’d be entitled to. And a solicitor’s appointment to confirm to you that his name might be on the mortgage and the deeds, but it’s also on a marriage certificate, which means that no assets belong to just him and him alone. Fuck holiday money and hobby money this month. Spend it on a solicitor. It’s going to get you so, so much closer to where you want to be 💐