To believe I’ve f@cked my life up and there’s no way back?

[Theroadnottravelled]

On the surface right now, I look like I have everything. Nice husband, 2 preschool kids, corporate job (full time), nice house. But underneath I’ve sabotaged it all. My job is well paid but stressful and I wasn’t coping (burn out) so I handed my notice in with nothing to go to. Nursery fees and mortgage are crippling. DH doesn’t earn much (self employed) so majority of the household admin and financial burden falls to me. I’m on anti depressants and think about taking my own life daily. I don’t know how to get back on track. I’m a failure professionally as unemployed and as a mother/provider. Other people have 2 kids, commute, have hobbies, happy lives so why can’t I? I’ve worked so hard in life, played by the rules (uni, job, marriage, kids) but can see it all slipping away.

Have you told your gp your true feelings? Or your dh?
There are few things that are insurmountable, you haven’t ruined your life but it sounds like you’ve burnt out. Life can be really tough when working full time with kids and financial pressures.
Get signed up with recruitment agencies that cater to your industry, but take a moment to breathe. Could you retract your resignation?

Life is really hard for a lot of people at the moment. Be kind to yourself. I’m sorry I can’t offer more advice. But to your children you are their world I promise you that x

Can you rescind your notice and take some sick leave? Have you enough savings to cover you till you find a new role?

Don't be too hard on yourself! You've got children who love you, no doubt skills that make you employable and no serious health problems I'm assuming?! You are so winning at life! Take a breath for the next few days and think about what you want to do. even if you take a part time job to help with everything for a few weeks you will still have your skills and you can always forge a new path - this could be a really exciting time in your life!

Oh yes, I would echo the PP who said to be honest with your GP and DH. They will better be able to support you.

I can empathize with this feeling of life slipping away. It must feel very scary. But your rational self will tell you that this is eminently survivable, and you WILL survive this.

First and foremost you need counselling. Make this a priority, even if money is tight. Consider it an investment in your life, yours and your family's future.

Second, can you focus on finding another job? Something less stressful, perhaps not corporate? You don't suddenly go from high-flyer to unemployable, so dust off your resume, update your LinkedIn profile, connect with old contacts, talk to recruiters, respond to headhunters - maybe find a career coach.

Recind your notice today and speak to your GP today. Take as much sick leave as you need and get professional support (anti depressants, counselling, cbt, whatever).

You absolutely have not fucked up your life, but you clearly need some support. Everyone needs help, nobody does this alone.

You absolutely haven't fucked your life up, you are burned out.
Talk to your GP, talk to your mortgage company and take some time to get some help and treatment.
It's all navigable but maybe you just need to be able to pause and get off the treadmill to see a way through.

I've been there - I've had treatment, sick leave and sertraline. There's very very little that can't be sorted out including money, bills and even serious debts - I promise xxxx

Thank you so much for your supportive, non judgemental responses. I’m overwhelmed with it all and so exhausted at present but I agree I need someone to talk to. I must pull through for my kids. And myself.

You are burnt out and not thinking clearly. Your kids love and need you here, that is all that matters. As PP have said, very few things in life are insurmountable and everything in your post is solvable. You've got this far and trust me you are doing well and have done fabulously to get here! I understand the burn out. I have 2 kids and a job and the mental health struggles and burn out so I do get how horrendous it can be. You need to hang in there. Sending you strength and positive energy. Scream for support. Tell GP and husband how bad you are feeling. Get some help.

I think you think that if you even pause everything will crumble around you. It won't. You need some time to recover and support to get back on your feet that's all.

Start with the GP.

Get any benefits you are entitled to.

Talk to the mortgage company if you need to.

I promise the world won't end if you have a breathing space xxxx

You’re burnt out, which means no energy to think let alone get straight back on the horse that threw you. A job that leads to this much burnout may not be one to which you ever want to return, but you will have many skills to take from it to whatever comes next. You just need time to recover before you know what ‘next’ looks like.

Two pre-school age children IS a full-time job in itself.

You seem to be taking some of your partner’s worry load as your own.

The picture you’ve presented feels so unbalanced, I’m not surprised you’re burnt out.

As pp have said, try and get some support with your mental health. Do you have family? Could anyone do some part of the daily chores for you, be it shopping or just being with you for an hour or two? If you took nursery fees out of the equation, wholly or partly, what do your finances look like then? Could you manage on part-time and less stressful work? Somehow, it feels you’ve slipped into a place where you’re doing all the emotional labour here, as well as being main breadwinner and parent. Doing all of that all at once was never sustainable - because you’re just one human being, not because you’ve ‘fucked up’.

I crashed about march this year total burn out wanted to quit my job , everything seemed fucked and started to hate life . Got a sick line and anti depressants I’m so much happier and caught up with bills etc can’t believe how ill I was looking back . Can you recind notice and stay off sick .

Ur anxious OP. Anxiety (fantasies about the future) is making everything that actually exists now look terrible.

You haven't messed up, you've realised there was a problem and you've faced up to it and dealt with it.

Is it too late to cancel your resignation? It sounds more like you need a period of leave and some support first.
Is there an alternative job that you could try and get? Maybe something that will pay well enough to keep you afloat and take the financial pressure off but not cripple you from a stress point of view?

There is a way back. If you are home and dc preschool stop nursery? Have you applied for uc if dh earnings are low? Have you seen gp yet? One thing at a time.

I'd speak to your work take your notice back, tell them how you feel. They have a duty of care and are likely to make allowances/changes so you can get back to a good place.

See your GP and tell your husband what's going on. Take some time off.

Don't cancel nursery unless you're absolutely sure that you won't be returning to the workforce - which I would not advise.

Have you tried talking therapies? You need some professional help.

You have objectively NOT fucked up your life.

Someone said this to me once and it helped...
When we live into he past, we get depressed. When we obsessed over the future, we become anxious. Focus on the present. What can you see? What can you hear? What are you grateful for?

Comparison is the thief of joy. Those mum's who seem to have everything have their own battles. Don't let outside appearances fool you into thinking the grass is greener on the other side

This is a stage in your life, it's not forever. Being a mum of preschoolers is tough. It sounds like you are an intelligent and hardworking person.

Take things one day at a time. When I get overwhelmed I write a list of things that need to be done (that list includes things like have a shower!!). I work through it at my own pace. It doesn't matter if things don't get done, I just try and get a couple of things ticked off.

Give yourself grace. Everyone needs support at some point in their life. Don't be afraid to ask for help.

Get some adult careers advice and utilise those skills you enjoy. What sort of thing do you enjoy?

This.
Also you may be able to apply for some benefits if you are diagnosed with depression burn out...just until you feel bit better. Talking therapies is free, refer yourself and see gp
Xx

Do you earn more than nursery + Commuting costs? I would take DC out of nursery for most days perhaps leaving him in for mornings or one day a week whatever you think would help you recover.
Sure it can be tricky getting back into the workplace but women do it but it sounds like you need some significant time off from juggling the balls anyway.

We are too hard on ourselves, we can't expect to bring two lives into the world and the extra responsibility that brings and continue the same at a job we were at before, something has to give, either give up work for a bit and look after your babies or take a less stressful role and a step down in order to protect your MH. It doesn't have to be forever. You are right that some people manage just fine but for a lot of them the breaking point comes a bit further down the road

most people have multiple career changes over their life time and you were ready for your career change, your depression and anxiety were telling you it’s time for a change. All those awful feelings about being a failure will pass and things will get better. Get some therapy. Exercise. Sleep. A medication review. Be in the moment. Talk to loved ones. Be kind to yourself.

Your partner needs to pull his weight.

It sounds like you are exhausted also because you are doing everything: main breadwinner, child care, home admin...

You both need to sit down and divide tasks more equally and he needs to find work that brings in more money.

I would not withdraw your notice, instead I would get a small break to get your health and life back on track and then find a new, less stressful role.

I think your body and mind are telling you that you can't carry on as you are and that changes need to be made.