Can this self loathing ever be fixed?

[Beauregard]

When i walk down the street i wish i could shrink away and pray that any passing cars soon hurry past me.

When i enter a room i scan it to see if anyone else there is like me ,i scan the room to see who is laughing at me and hope that i can soon sit down and be inconspicious.

When i chat to people i always bring the subject up first as i prefer it that way.If the subject isnt mentioned i breathe a sigh of relief and tell myself that people were just being kind but i have the upmost respect for them not mentioning it.

When i am shopping i scurry around the shops hoping that people wont laugh at me for trying to make an effort .

When i am in a crowd i try to make myself as small as possible with arms folded and fists clenched sometimes pinching myself because i just want to hide away.

I watch other people longingly wishing i could look like them or be like them.

I do not feel feminine ,therefore i never dress in pretty skirts or dresses.People might mistake me for a transvestite if i were to,So i stick to wearing jeans and hoodies.

I should have been at a party tonight,just one of many over the years i have missed.
People like me just dont go to parties.

I have no social life ,you see even dp is shorter than me so it just draws more attention to me.

I have never wanted to marry because i wouldn't make a nice bride and it would mean drawing more attention to myself.

I fear for my 2 dd's especially dd2 as they seem to be following me.

Every comment is like a knife in my heart.

ps, yes, that's the condition I meant and at least you don't have that. The composer I was thinking of was John Tavener
www.dailymail.co.uk/pages/live/articles/news/news.html?in_article_id=528795&in_page_id=1770

Although it looks like he had a heart attack - I suppose that might be relatedt o his condition.

6 foot 2 and a 12/14 sounds absolutely stunning.

99% of women on the planet want to be like you and ogle women with proportions like yours in magazines every day .

But, if you aren't happy with your size and shape, please go to your GP and tell her exactly how you feel about it and ask whether you couldn't have some NHS counselling or psychotherapy (which can be excellent).

You need to learn to love yourself (we all need to love ourselves, first and foremost). Try taking care of your body, buy magazines and read the interviews with tall models, look at how they dress and walk and try to emulate them.

Thankyou for all your kind words

It is horrible living with myself feeling like this because i never feel truly alive iykwim.
I dont like to go on to my mom about how i am feeling as it just upsets her as my sister killed herself as she felt so unloveable and was so mentally unwell etc.So it is nice to be able to say how i feel and write it down on here.Seeing it in print makes it seem more real and not just how life is,Life should be better.

Xenia-I will try and read that book with the passage you mentioned,reading something from the same perspective would be interesting,will get it from library next time i go.

I shall also try and seek out some decent self help books.

If they dont help i shall ask to be referred to the psych again i think.

xxxx

Pelvicfloornomore - my ex-sister in law was your height. She got teased (good naturedly though) but it didn't seem to worry her. I on the other hand also got teased for having massive boobs and I got very upset about it and used to try and wear baggy and shapeless clothes. That is until I worked on a mining site and saw how much men tease each other and how well most of them took it.

They would pick the characteristic that they knew that the guy would be most sensitive about and make a nickname out of it. They called one guy who was afraid of heights and and was quite small so they named him "quail" (as they don't fly). The first time they did it he went nuts, then he saw the humour in it and by the time I left he was using as his email signature.

They would call a guy losing his hair "baldy", someone who was overweight "Fatso the Fat Assed Wombat" and many many more names.

So when they made fun of me I realised that it showed they thought I had a sense of humour and could take it. And that they were going to pick on me for something no matter what.

I realised it could be so much worse. People don't hate women with big boobs or who are tall. Try having really bad BO, or hyperhydrosis (excessive sweating), being obese or really ugly. The teasing wouldn't be good natured and you would suffer a lot of discrimination.

Everyone has something about themselves that they don't like but at least being tall is considered a positive in our society. Tall people tend to be higher paid and have more success attracting a partner as tallness is seen to be a sign of good genes.

We all have something about ourselves that we would change imo. I am average height but overweight and thick set with no ankles and stubby fingers and toes. I hate the way I look and I could do something about my weight if I could adjust my mindset... however you don't have that luxury

Do you find it difficult to get nice clothes that fit properly? I know I do - not just because of my size but because of my shape, I'm all out of proportion. I struggle with shoes because my feet are such an odd shape. I can't wear strappy sandals because a) they won't do up around my tree trunk ankles and b) my feet are too wide and look odd. If I find a nice pair of shoes that fits I feel better, knowing that I have something pretty to wear that fits and is comfortable.

Do you think you could persuade yourself that if you could find well fitting, pretty clothes, or smart or funky or whatever you would like your style to be, that perhaps that would help with your self esteem?

Thanks both for replying

Tigerfeet- I'm not very up on fashion and stuff.I just buy what i like and what is a sort of passable fit.I always have to buy my jeans from Next directory (XL)as Long Tall Sally etc are a rip off and tbh not too much choice.I do find that jeans (which i live in)never fit me properly as waist is always too big and baggy on the bum but as i have 'child bearing hips'if i buy smaller they dont fit my hips. I do find though that whatever i buy i just end up hating it anyway and end up staring at my wardrobe hating all my clothes and wishing i could have Gok or someone tell me what to wear lol.

I had to go and do some cleaning for someone this morning ,they live literally a 2 min walk from my parents(whom were babysitting while i went)and i found myself nearly running to get there and back indoors where i couldn't be seen.

top shop tall! A godsend in the jeans department and cheaper and actually better quality than nasty LTS.
IKWYM re height as i@m quite tall and it's hard to be as anonymous as you wish as people do stare more. Don't generally think this is meant in a nasty way but just in a noticing a much taller-than average person kind of way, inevitable really.
I believe you're the height of Mick Jagger's girlfriend, Erin O'connor and loads of other models. Yes, it's unusual but so are many physical features of so many of us. You're no freak, my dear.
Re CBT, I'm with you on that, i felt it was superficial and only scratched the surface of my "issues". Cd you look at an alternative? One book i really like is "Mindful way out through depression" which is founded upon mindful techniques and meditation (get cd with it). I think it's working for me, far more helpful, meaningful, readable and positive than "Feeling good handbook" and the like, but many on here swear by that one.

That is another book i shall look into then thankyou.Do you think i will get it on Amazon?

try tje jeans, too!
www.amazon.co.uk/Mindful-Way-Through-Depression-Unhappiness/sim/1593851286/1?ie=UTF8&pf=boo k

yes will do
many thanks

Wow sorry to use your post pelvicfloornomore, but it is so interesting to think that tall people also suffer. I am 5'3" and round to go with it, I never look people in the eye, I feel uncomfortable in my own skin and I hate people looking at me. I am ashamed wherever I go and basically draw myself into a ball so people don't notice me. I would look at you and be mighty envious, not knowing what you are going through. It's so annoying being uncomfortable in your own skin, I really hope you do find some peace.

Hey there, I just want to tell you that you sound gorgeous, really, I'm 5ft 2 and a size 12 so i probably look like a bloody warthog next to you. What is your colouring like? Are you dark/fair? You know I bet if you bought a really nice dress (I think tall women look so good in floaty dresses, whereas they swamp me and i look like i'm wearing a large curtain) like this www.topshop.com/webapp/wcs/stores/servlet/ProductDisplay?beginIndex=0&viewAllFlag=&catalogId=19551&s toreId=12556&categoryId=42383&parentcategoryrn=42379&productId=594216&langId=-1 it might be something different from the normal jeans and hoodie? You wouldn't have to wear it all the time, just occasionally if you fancied being a bit girly.

I hope that works I'm not great with links.

I couldn't help but notice that you said your sister took her own life, and wanted to say that there is a support group called SOBS (survivors of bereavement by suicide) that is nationwide. You may not want to talk about it, but it's there, and I think is particularly useful if you can't talk to your family.

Thanks for your kind words Havalina
It goes to show that we can never tell a persons story just by looking at them.
Maybe you could look into some self help stuff also?

x

jellybelly25-
I have really dark brown/black eyes,my skin is fair but slightly olive and my hair is cocoa courtesy of Garnierdue to my masses of grey.

I really cant imagine me ever wearing something like that(would feel more like a tranny)
The only way i would do a dress is over jeans tbh.Thanks for that though.
Re survivors of suicide ,i think i have looked at their website before and you have to pay to join,that pissed me off straight away tbh.

Really? My dh goes and I'm pretty sure it's free... This whole self loathing thing does sound suspiciously related to that.

Aww sounds lovely, olive skin, dark eyes... I am what people politely call an English Rose, i.e. very pale.

That could work, a dress over jeans... Or if you got yourself a good fitted jacket (light beige perhaps?) to wear over plain long sleeved tops that would smarten a jeans outfit too. (I say this like I have a clue about fashion, sitting here in my jeans that I bought about a month after I had dd2, that really dont' fit me!).

I must go to bed before I fall over.

pelvic, hugs to you. i'm around the same height as jelly belly and i can tell you i would kill to be as tall as you are. for one i wouldn't look ridiculus stood next to DH who is 6'4. huge boobs,dinky waist and big hips mean that no matter how much weight i lose i look out of proportion...... i'd love to be able to wear bootleg jeans that are bootleg.... by the time i get them they tend to be straight leg..... i so envy anybody who can carry off dress over jeans. i just look like i've been in the dressing up box. but i do think that some of what you are feeling is tied in with your past. hope you get some good help with that. i'm sorry i don't have fab advice like the others but i have hugs.

your post reminded me of my mum. she's got serious self esteem issues and it has affected all 4 of us. thankfully she has finally started to get help but it had to come from her. we had tried for years to get her to go for help but she wouldn't. i think it's great that you've asked for help.

long term depression is a bit of a duffer, coz you get to thinking that its your personality thats defective.
which, as a thought process, cam lead you nowhere good, lets face it.
(i was suicidally depressed from age 10 to 20-odd... then it went away (to a degree) till i was 26 and the first round of pnd started working its magic)

try telling yourself that the shit, the crappy thoughts, the self loathing; theyre symptoms of an illness which deserves help and attention. NOT aspects of your personality.

it has helped me. (but only, admittedly, when the shit has less of a hold over my thinking)

also -you get used to wearing one thing and feel a freak to wear anything else. but only you notice it really.
i wore a skirt to school in fifth year... was SO conscious of it... no-one noticed. simplified example, but illustates point.

I'm not particularly tall, but I can really relate to the self loathing that you feel, and the wishing that something physical could be fixed when it absolutely can't.

I really liked Desi's post from earlier about not being given a cross to bear that we cannot carry. It reminds me of the Serenity Prayer and that always gives me a bit of comfort too. Also remembering that while we might not be able to change something physical, it's always possible to change how we feel about it.

There was a thread on here last year about height, and you're in good company. There are a lot of 6 foot plus MNers.

To quote one of my favourite bands

If you have a cross to bear
You may as well use it as a crutch
If you have a cross to bear. It's only fair that you use it as a crutch.

Thanks for all your lovely words and messages

I havent got round to ordering any books just yet as i have just started a new job and start another one tomorrow [scared]I shall not only be nervous about the job but about any potiential remarks about my height which i know are going to happen so it is just a matter of when.

Good luck for tomorrow PFNM

Thankyou Brassic