Can this self loathing ever be fixed?

[Beauregard]

When i walk down the street i wish i could shrink away and pray that any passing cars soon hurry past me.

When i enter a room i scan it to see if anyone else there is like me ,i scan the room to see who is laughing at me and hope that i can soon sit down and be inconspicious.

When i chat to people i always bring the subject up first as i prefer it that way.If the subject isnt mentioned i breathe a sigh of relief and tell myself that people were just being kind but i have the upmost respect for them not mentioning it.

When i am shopping i scurry around the shops hoping that people wont laugh at me for trying to make an effort .

When i am in a crowd i try to make myself as small as possible with arms folded and fists clenched sometimes pinching myself because i just want to hide away.

I watch other people longingly wishing i could look like them or be like them.

I do not feel feminine ,therefore i never dress in pretty skirts or dresses.People might mistake me for a transvestite if i were to,So i stick to wearing jeans and hoodies.

I should have been at a party tonight,just one of many over the years i have missed.
People like me just dont go to parties.

I have no social life ,you see even dp is shorter than me so it just draws more attention to me.

I have never wanted to marry because i wouldn't make a nice bride and it would mean drawing more attention to myself.

I fear for my 2 dd's especially dd2 as they seem to be following me.

Every comment is like a knife in my heart.

You were invited to a party tonight. One of many parties over the yewars you ahve missed. Lots of people don't even get invited to parties! So that's a positive-you could have a better social life, but tonight you didnt feel like it.

Lots of women don't wear feminine clothes-Most mums tend to wear jeans as it is easier and more practical with children.

You have a partner who knows you inside out and wants to marry you-why do you have to be the blushing bride? Can you do a Las Vegas wedding and get married in a drive through?

oh noooo.....((((hugs))))

pvnm i have felt the way you do. i was depressed for many years but the biggest way it manifested itself was paranoia and low self esteem.

i really and truly believed that people were laughing and talking about me all the time.

first of all the encouragement: the way you write i sense that you have extremely low self-esteem, possibly depressed? you are not what you think you are. you are a much better, more feminine and beautiful person than you think. you dont have a reliable, realistic view of yourself at the moment.

secondly, the arse kick :
the way you're feeling is not right or healthy. it is a sign that you are missing something in your life or are unhappy. or have some unresolved issues.

the dangerous thing with this problem is that the more you put yourself down the more you'll believe it.

also you probably do not have enought self esteem to think you deserve to spend more time on yourself.

i never thought enough of myself to start changeing my negative thinking. untill i had dd.

you HAVE to seek help. if not for you for the sake of your kids.

i know you adore your dds but they will learn this negative behaviour from you and i know you dont want that. you need to take the first step out of this mess.

you'll find me and many other ppl on here willing to give you a helping hand.

pelvic - oh darling, this is so tremendously sad

You have children, a partner. You cannot be that awful. You have friends who invite you to parties....

You write so eloquently; it is just so sad. In fact I would say you write beautifully. the style, not the content, you understand

not sure if you are the huggy type but here's one anyway

pelvic

Thanks for replying

Yes i am depressed and have been for 15 years or so.

I have felt like this my entire adult life,despite it tiring me it never leaves me.
I suppose it is worse because my height is something i cant control,i cant have surgery like if i had a distinguished nose or something.

oh lovey....you sound so sad.

Have you been on ad's? what is the prob with your height?

Talk some more.....

How tall are you?

you CAN control it with your mind, your attitude - that's what can change if not your actual height. Are you tall or short, I can't work out from what you say? It sounds to me like you have some aspects of body dysmorphia. Have you had any help with these feelings before?

I have tried a'ds and had basic 6 sessions of CBT and then the Psychologist gave me some photocopies of CBT stuff and told me to continue writing stuff down.
I dont have time as and when stuff happens to be writing it down all the time.

I am 6ft 2.

I know there are people truly suffering far worse as i type this but i would just like to feel freedom for once.

cbt is getting a lot of positive press at the moment. i tried it a few years ago but tbh i wasn't ready for it.

what you may need first is to talk to someone. simply get everything off your chest. vent, moan, straighten out, get somebody's objective opinion.

i've been going for personal-centered therapy, really just talking and counselling. it has been fabulous. positivity has come naturally, but i will graduate to cbt when we have gone through all the issues lurking in my brain.

what would you think of that? is it financially viable?

have you made contact with any support groups for tall people or been in any groups where your height would give you an advantage? basketball team for example. I'm so sorry you are feeling this way.

If i could afford to i would go private for councelling.

There is no support for tall people.The only thing i found was a website for tall people and you have to pay to be a member.Besides being around others would just draw more attention.

How awful that you feel like that.

I wish I were taller. Carla Bruni is coming to mind. Tall is good. Tall is very very good. Go to yoga. Improve your posture. Buy some pretty dresses. Tall can look stunning.
This one is your height I think - i.cnn.net/si/pr/subs/swimsuit/images/05_oonweagba_02.jpg
and Jodie kidd is 6 foot 1.

I always wished I were taller than 5 foot 5 but it does sound like it's psychological for you. My sister is a clinical psycologist. She gets referrals sometimes from people's GPs sometimes.

Poor lass, for feeling the way you do.

Now, you know as well as I do that slumping your spine and making yourself appear shorter is going to make you feel miserable in old age. Your bones will alert themselves to your mental state and act accordingly.

Now, I've said this before on here, but I'll repeat it. I'm not religious, but there is a passage in the bible that you might think to dwell on ... that the Lord gives no one a cross they cannot bear.

In my experience, very tall women (and I've met them taller than you), don't get talked about in any negative connotation. They get admired!

But that's because they've got their head around it. You can't change your height, that's for sure ... but you can help the way you feel about it.

You have been given an imposing stature. It is incumbent on you to develop the personality to match it. It doesn't have to be frightening, or authoritarian ... it just has to be YOU.

You don't have to read books about tall people, per se, you just have to read books about developing your self-esteem.

Honestly, darling, you have one life. Don't waste it away by regretting what you were given. Make the most of it .... and DO NOT (and I repeat) DO NOT slump you shoulders ..

agree with everything xenia said. i dont have any idea how you feel as i am the other end of the scale-5 foot 3.

are you any good with computers? could you set up your own webpage?

as for the counselling, i dont live in Britain so i dont know how the NHS works.

but if you convinced your doctor that you were feeling so bad could he refer you to free counselling? you deserve to feel better...

Pelvic, a dear friend of mine is six foot exactly and, honestly, everyone I know totally envies her and thinks she is stunning and feels dumpy and frumpy next to her willowy beauty. Honestly.

Have you always felt like this about your height? So sorry you feel so low about it. xx

Tbh i think i would need 10 years with a psychologist to even make a dent in my mind set.When i was referred on the NHS i had to wait 16 months to see someone and i was very very low at that time.

I do have days when i am not as anxious about it (today has been very bad and i have been very weepy)but it never leaves me and i cannot accept it.The only way i can describe it is being trapped in the body of a freak.
Seriously if i could have an op ,even if it meant having huge scarring down each leg i would rather that(i could cover that)

I even worry about growing old and being tall(despite taking into account shrinkage).You never see any tall older people, i would look more ridiculous.

Would self help books really do anything to help?

i would imagine a lot of small older people feel very vulnerable and lost in big crowds. maybe then you will find strength in your height.

you say you think it'd take 10 years to make a dent in your mindset. well what age are you? start working on it now! you have many years of life ahead. you need to start enjoying it.

this is a priority. what is a life if you can never relax in your own skin?

Yes, Pelvic, self-help books would help.

The way you feel about yourself affects your entire life. You've been told by several people on this thread that tall girls are admirable.

When people stare at you, they are staring at you in awe. You are choosing to negate that by thinking that they're laughing at you. Have you ever considered the alternative?

Jeez, life is queer. Some of them might be ...but they'll be the the pale, plump ones, no doubt

Understand this, please. Sleep on it. Of all the troubles we have in life, 90% of them are caused by our own minds. I'm guessing you're still in your twenties .... late twenties? It will pass, if you allow it.

C'mon, girl! You have one life. Use it wisely, and don't infect your children with your troubles. Teach them to be tall and good and proud!

I am 32 Desi

What sort of self help books do you think i should get?

You are all very kind to me

I have wasted most of my life because of it

listen to desiderata. the girl speaks sense! .

If you feel really dreadfully depressed call the Samaritans. There is always someone to talk to. On height in general it is supposed to be an advantage in life actually.

I am assuming you don't have that condition that also makes you tall. Can't remember the name. A famous composer who is very very tall and wrote some music at Princess Diana's funeral has it. One symptom is being very very tall.

As for physically doing something about it I don't think that's a good idea. Some girls in China have an operation to add a few inches to their legs (because height in most cultures is beautiful and makes you more successful) but I've not heard of it the other way round. Are you just tall or tall plus too large because you might be able to do something about the large part if that is part of the problem. 6 foot 2 and 30 stone for example, you could change.

I think you are referring to Marfans syndrome Xenia,no i dont have that.

I am not too massive in body shape 12/14.

Thanks for replying

My FIL died of Marfans syndrome at the age of 41. It was very sudden, and he was very fit.

The classic sign of Marfans is to have very long toes. The other skeletal bones may or may not be unduly elongated.

At the time he died, in 1971, it was not possible to diagnose it. Now, it is possible. It can only be transferred from a parent to a child ... it cannot skip a generation, so my child is safe.

Pelvic, you're just a tall lass. How you deal with it is entirely up to you. You have to believe in yourself, gorgeous. You really do. Get any self-help book .. they're not the answer, but they set your mind on the right course.

And most of life's problems are in the head. Poof, and they go away. They honestly do, love.

Be tall and proud of it. Small guys love tall girls ... and if that's not your bag, believe me, there are hundreds of thousands of blokes out there who are taller than you!

But please, please, please, don't try to make yourself smaller. You'll get a hunched back, and a lot of bone trouble in later life.

Come on, girl! Be fucking proud of it! You were given your height for a reason, and I'm damned sure it wasn't given lightly.

6'2 and size 12/14 would make you very slim looking.

I bet others actually think you look stunning.

(I don't mean to make light of how you feel btw.)

You sound stunning to me. So it's just a psychological issue really.

Some tall people clearly hate it, wear bad clothes and slouch. Others walk tall and well. Try things like yoga or anything that helps posture and makes you feel good inside too.

I am reminded of those passages in the book by Fay Weldon - the life and loves of a She Devil. Get it from the library and read it. There the woman is tall, huge, feels elephantine compared to others and she steals money so she can be transformed to be little, thin, petite like her husband's lover although it doesn't quite work out like that.