I don’t want to be a mum anymore.

[Loveandlearn]

This post is not for sympathy, nor attention. Just simply somewhere to vent and put my feelings as I feel I have no one to speak to or no where to turn. Ever since I’ve had my child (he is now 2). Everything has gone down hill. I had a good job, my own car own independence. Now having my son I’ve lost my relationship, my job my car as a result of this constantly in financial hardship. Everyday I wake up feeling like a failure as I’m terrible at being a mum. I see other single mothers taking their kids on holidays, days out and trips and I struggle to even put food on the table after I’ve paid bills. I never have money for us to do things, rarely able to buy new clothes and when I do it’s mostly second hand or cheap clothing. When does things get easier? I’m really struggling. Trying to get back into work without any childcare is extremely hard it just feels like I’ve ruined my life and brought my son into a world that he doesn’t deserve he should be with someone who is financially and mentally stable not someone who feels this way everyday. I wish I had the correct tools in life to make things better for him and myself so we could start to enjoy life. I’m scared he will resent me in the future for not being able to give him everything or anything like other kids and it’s really getting to me. I keep thinking I should just kill myself and he won’t remember me and won’t be affected but it’s so hard I love him so much but just feel like I am being selfish now by staying here and giving him this crap life

Op, I'm so sorry for what you're going through.

I'm not a great mum, I'm terrible at organising and when mine was 2 my house was always a mess. I struggled to get by,
I was anxious and depressed. My child didn't know any other, he only knew me and needed me.

Your son will not resent you, he loves you and he needs you. Kids don't need new clothes. I got joblots for £5 and i was super happy.

Wanted to give you a big hug - 2 year olds are very tough on mums and I had the same thoughts as you. But trust me - he needs you.

firstly it’s not his or your fault. Having a child is hard work.

kids are not little forever. Set some career and financial goals. Reed offer lots of free online courses which can be great while you’re out of work.

I’m not too familiar with how universal credit works but I think they may offer some kind of loan that you pay back to help with childcare costs so you can return to work.

just stay positive ❤️

Op sorry to hear you are finding things tough. Try not to look at what other people are doing and focus on you and your son and your next steps - do you know when you might be eligible for some childcare so you are more able to find a job?

Now having my son I’ve lost my relationship, my job my car as a result of this constantly in financial hardship.

Why have you lost your job and car?
I assume the baby's father has left you in the lurch but why did you lose your job?

I'm so sorry you are feeling like this OP. What really comes through to me from your post is that you are having suicidal thoughts and so you could well be suffering from depression. Have you talked to a professional about how you are feeling? Medication/talking might help you feel better and start to see the woods through the trees. When you're depressed everything can seem insurmountable, but that can sometimes just be your mind playing tricks on you. When you treat the depression you might find things aren't so bad as your mind is telling you. Please seek help, for your own sake but also for your child's. The absolute worst thing you could ever do to him as a mum is kill yourself.

OP I'd like to give you a hug.
Please don't loose faith in yourself - this is temporary, Things do get easier!

That age is so difficult! We were a low income house too - it was like treading water - but it does get easier and the career options get easier when nursery and school comes around to help with childcare.
Look into term time work to get an idea of what's available locally to you - it might help you set some future goals and build some hope.

Get a benefits review - make sure ur income is maximised.

Speak to your GP, your mood sounds really low - your GP can, and will, help with this.

You are loved and needed right here where you are.

Stay with him. He will come to appreciate that. My dd does.

Kids don't care about holidays and and clothing labels. They care about feeling loved, stability and consistency. You are there every day, you're the one giving him that, you're the one he needs. Go to the library and read with him, go to the park and feed the ducks and play at the play park, play with his toys with him, make up silly stories, sing nursery rhymes, talk to him about the chores you are doing. Just engage with him as much as you can, that is what will the most beneficial thing for him (boring as it can sometimes be with a 2 year old!).

Don't waste your time stressing about the unnecessary stuff you can't buy him, quality time with you is bloody priceless!

I guess because she couldn't afford the childcare?

All he needs is you.

please don’t leave him, he will never recover from that. Stay with him, the rest can be resolved but losing his mummy can never be fixed.

please tell your Gp you are having suicidal thoughts - you need to access support and asap. The practical elements can be sorted once your head is straight. It’s impossible to see a way through when in the thick of it but one day you’ll look back and pat yourselves on the back how far you’ve come.

but you’ve got to stay with him. Never trick yourself into thinking he’d be better off without you. You are irreplaceable.

Loving him so much is giving him something many wealthy children with two parents don’t have and which is the most important thing. A child that age doesn’t need trips or brand new clothes, love and attention are far more important for his happiness, development and future. It does sound tough but your financial situation will only improve from here, and you’ll get more breathing space as well as he gets bigger.

Huge hugs. Don't listen to your brain, it's telling you lies.

Your child does't care about the material stuff, he cares about his Mum spending time with him, putting down memories that will make him smile in later years.

I can say this with certaintly as you are like my Mum, we didn't have enough to feed us for a whole week or heat the house, so went to stay with relatives at the weekend. I remember a fabulous childhood, Mum remembers it differently. My Mum spent time playing games with me in the evening, helping me learn to read, read books together, from the library we couldn't afford to buy them etc. All little things that I look back on now with such affection and happiness. Oh and the times she switched the electricity off because I was being a pain.

Is there a local group you can join to help you through this.

Hello OP, we are really sorry to hear you are feeling this way.

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources. You can also go to the Samaritans website or email them on [email protected]. Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.

We are going to move this thread to the Mental Health section shortly.

He’s at the perfect age for funding for nursery. This happened to me. When my eldest was 2 I went back to college that was covered in funded hours and studied an access course. Then I went back to uni and 80% of childcare covered. When she started school I only had a year left of my degree and no longer had the childcare worries.

Hi OP, I presume your a stay at home mum on UC atm?

I wanted to give you a few positive pointers that you may not know.

You can go back to work with 85% of your child care paid. If your jobs to high paying for help with childcare over 40k a year. You will still be eligible for the 30 hours free childcare and also tax free childcare.

You may feel like working won't pay and you will lose all support if you go back and end up worse off. You won't you only lose 55p in help for every £1 you earn. You will always be better off.

Lastly material possessions arnt what your child is going to remember don't worry. They will remember the moments, the kindness, the laughter and the memories ♥️. You are doing a fantastic job and your doing it alone aswell.

Please make an appointment with the citizens advice see what help and support you can get. I had hardly anything in the fridge as a kid but I was loved and designer clothes don’t mean a thing to me! Material things are nothing and love and care are everything when things get better you will have holidays it won’t always be this hard trust me. What you don’t have you don’t miss!

She won't have been able to afford her rent and child care when she got left alone with the baby. There's no funding for childcare until they are 2 and until last year it was 3. If she earned under a 40k UC can help but she may not have known that at the time. Same for the rent aswell. She just needs help and sign posting to the help available to her. All this stuff exists but no one tells you, so unless someone does, people feel helpless and stuck in poverty.

Health visitors should give out this info at the 2 year check in my opinion. A survey of social needs should be taken and support made to the relevant help. It would avoid things getting to this point.

She's never going to go there and tell them how bad she's feeling is she, but she wouldn't need to if a survey of needs was taken at all 2 year checks.

Thank you for everyone’s kind comments. I thought I would add some additional information as some people had some questions. I worked as a support worker for kids with additional support needs however due to being heavily pregnant at the time I took some time off as I got hurt at work by a service user and was afraid to go back. This was fine but after I had baby I was asked to go back which was fine also. At the same time my sons dad was cheating on me which I found out about from the girl herself and he left us for her and hasn’t took any interest in our son. I had to leave my job as my son was only 2 months old and my ex would watch him while I worked. My car at the time was on finance I fell really behind with payments, had to give the car back and still falling behind with payments to this day for it. It was a stupid decision taking a car out on finance I will admit but at the time it was needed and was affordable with me being in a relationship and being able to work. My sons dad, a year after we split was arrested by the police after he assaulted me. Never ever happened before even when we were in a relationship. He found out I had gone on a date and broke into my house tried to kill me. He will be in prison for the next 8 years. Social work have been really helpful in getting my little boy a secure and funded space in nursery but he only goes on a Monday and Wednesday from 1:30-3:30, which doesn’t give me much options for work. I’ve applied for every job under the sun as universal credit said that once I get a job they could pay 80% of costs for childcare which is great but I just don’t hear anything back from job applications which can get pretty disheartening. There is not really a point to this post other than just to vent I hold a lot of stuff in and don’t have anyone to speak to. I can’t thank everyone enough for all your kind words and advice yous have certainly made me feel like less of a failure. Hopefully things will get easier from here I can’t see things getting worse to be honest.

edit ;

i forgot to add I currently take 30mg of mitrazapine for anxiety/depression. But sometimes get in this rut that I can’t get out of I guess it’s a working process on these things and I just need to try and find a way to get through it

Having lost my mum at a year old I can assure you without a shadow of a doubt that his life will be 100 times crappier without YOU.
I haven't read any other posts but I bet you've been given good advice. You're all he needs at the moment and I'm pretty sure things will improve for you going forward.

Sounds like you're having a difficult time, have you thought of contacting Step Change or another debt charity as if you are struggling financially you shouldn't be paying for a car you no longer have, food is a higher priority.

Goodness you have been through a terrible time, it sounds absolutely traumatising. You are in no way a failure or terrible mother (and believe me there are many mums struggling like you - they are also not failures or bad mums, they just don't have the support they deserve). You are doing an incredible job given the circumstances, doing what you can for your little boy and giving him love and caring about how to give him what he needs. But really, you are all he needs. It will get easier, it may sound trite, and it may seem a long while off now, but eventually there will be more nursery provision and then he will be at school and you will have more time, there will be training opportunities, things will come up. It sounds like you may need help building up your confidence, not to mention probably counselling for the abuse and violence you have survived, and just need to take every opportunity there is when you feel strong enough, and keep reaching out. I hope others can provide more practical advice. But your little one will not be remembering the clothes he wears or things he has at all at this age. He just will need you, your love and attention. You are his world. He would never, ever be better off without you. I wish I could give you a big hug. You sound like an amazing mother because you care about your son so much.