Has Anyone Managed to Help a Hoarder?

[AnnaSewell]

It has emerged that someone in my family has a hoarding problem. They are single so it has, sort of, slipped under the radar.

But a close relative visited and they were quite shocked by what they saw.

The family member is in their late 50s and we suspect this has been building up for a decade.

I think they normally try to avoid having visitors because of the piles of hoarded possessions that are everywhere in their home.

The hoarder hasn't asked for help, so I am aware that doing nothing might be the best, even the only, option. It just feels that as they get older, things might get - even more - tricky.

Not if they don't want help. And if you do help, it needs to be pretty intense and regular for a long period of time. Read up, it's complex.

Agree with the above comment.
My sisters and I regularly tried to declutter our mum’s house but she’d still accumulate crap.
My mum died 6 months ago and my sister is still sorting through piles of stuff.

I did do a bit of reading online. There may be some kind of overlap with autistic traits - collecting of special interest stuff. But it sounds like nothing is ever sorted/prioritised/thrown away.

The person is professionally reasonably successful but single, not a lot of close friends though does have a social life. Very, very private. Very attached to his Mum. Some health problems relating to weight and diet, though taking statins has helped.

I had noticed an apparent rise in eccentric behaviour in that they now also tend to talk very very fast and at great length -monologuing - on family occasions.

There’s also an overlap with ADHD. Not that this is particularly useful to know as it won’t help change things.

The short and long answers are, as has already been said, that therapy is long, intensive and rarely works. Trying to keep them safe is often the most straightforward option.

My mother was a hoarder and I say this from a lot of bitter experience and research

I'll see if I can dig out the safety stuff. Basically seeing if minimum standards for safety can be maintained. Nothing over shoulder height, nothing on or 3 feet from heat sources, 6 foot clearance pathways for egress and emergency services. Those rules should be vigorously maintained.

Having a typical home may not be possible.

Hoarding is notoriously difficult to treat sadly. Anecdotally, I don't know anyone who's ever recovered.

I have a relative with it and most of us have given up after decades of trying to help. I highly suspect autism in the case of my relative.

The safety info would be great. It's a bit hard to know what the house is like as when visitors came - and there was some reluctance about their coming - they were not allowed upstairs. So it could be that some effort had been made to 'normalise' things a little in the ground floor ie clear space on chairs, attempt cleaning. (But they said it wouldn't have been possible to, for example, have used a vacuum cleaner or clean down a work top because of the sheer quantity of all the stacked/piled/jumbled objects.

I find it strange that people say there is a link with autism. We are all completely individual. I am autistic but am the very opposite of a hoarder and my home has been frequently commented on as spotless.
The lady I knew who was a hoarder started doing this after losing her husband. She had no diagnosed health conditions or neuro diversity of any sort.
She refused any help.

A bit like food or rejection sensitivity, it's often comorbid but not causal, necessarily.

There's a well documented heritable component to ND. And hoarding disorder. But a lot of hoarding isn't hoarding disorder.

With the proviso that as with all psychology every case is different, I think the biggest single correlation is with episodes of traumatic loss in childhood or, less frequently, later.

@AnnaSewell You can get specific safety advice from the Fire Brigade, who are quite proactive in this area because hoarded houses are more likely to have a fire with more chance of loss to life because of the clutter.

I have tried to help a relative who had a hoarding problem and it was impossible. If they don’t want help with it don’t try. It will give you a lot of upset.

I haven't dealt with it personally but I believe hypnosis/hypnotherapy can be effective for hoarding because it directly addresses the part of the subconscious mind that developed the compulsion.

My in-laws had a couple of very elderly relatives who were hoarders. I don’t think they had visitors in their houses or at least not for many years.
One of the major concerns is fire hazard I think.

No.
I tried, social services tried but unfortunately got nowhere.

It was just awful, still is. I distanced myself because it was all consuming and extremely frustrating. Children involved.

It’s years on now and I often wonder how those children fared.
They would never ever be able to have friends round for tea, to play, to have a birthday party.

Not even a visit from the fire brigade with advice re fire hazards made any difference.
If there was a fire, the whole family would be dead no doubt.

Hoarding is often linked to loss and bereavement

I've concluded that it's not possible to help, sadly. The Life of Stuff by Susannah Walker is interesting on the psychology of hoarding.

My ex is a bit of a hoarder. He s on the spectrum I m convinced. He never likes getting rid of anything or making any changes. His garage is full of outdated useless junks. I believe in his case it s to do with anxiety. It kind of runs in the family in someways because his aunt did as well.

I am fascinated by hoarding and have read a lot on it.
It's not something that can be fixed externally is the conclusion, it seems.
Either the hoarder wants to change or they won't.
I really really feel for hoarders and the anxiety surrounding it.
I personally think that if you can get the hoarder to open up to you, knowing you will not judge, or think you are superior, its best to just let them know you're there for them.

I remember a lovely woman posting here some years ago about her husband’s hoarding tendencies. It was an upsetting read, particularly as there were children involved. I wonder how she is doing now.

I have tried and tried with DSis. She's late 50s and single. About once a year I help her have a mammoth clear out and deep clean the house from top to bottom. She always loves the result, but the house is back as it was in a couple of months. She just can't help it.

Some hoarders from my experience they don’t just hold on to objects they hold on to old beliefs, old habits, old decors …….. . Some of them have terrible trust issues they rather hold on to the security of what they know even it makes life uncomfortable but at least they stay in their comfort zone mentally. It s a tough one!

My sister is a hoarder. I tried last year to help her, it nearly killed me. I would go once a week and clean/tidy the same area over and over again as she would just refill it with more stuff every time I left even though she stated she wanted the help. After a while I gave up because it would cause arguments and frustration on my part and I didn't want to have a falling out.

It sounds fairly hopeless. I'd hoped that - given this has probably built up gradually - it might be possible for things to get better gradually. But the impression I'm getting is that it's like an incurable, progressive disease.

I had wondered about going to see my sibling - not at his house but at a nearby beauty spot - and saying basically, 'Oh X enjoyed visiting. He did mention you'd got quite a bit of stuff/the house had filled up rather'... and see what response I get.

It is an incurable, progressive disease. But there are treatments. They are just time-consuming, very skilled, and have to be unkept forever. It would be easy if it was something that you could get a handle on, but it's constant.