Has Anyone Managed to Help a Hoarder?

[AnnaSewell]

It has emerged that someone in my family has a hoarding problem. They are single so it has, sort of, slipped under the radar.

But a close relative visited and they were quite shocked by what they saw.

The family member is in their late 50s and we suspect this has been building up for a decade.

I think they normally try to avoid having visitors because of the piles of hoarded possessions that are everywhere in their home.

The hoarder hasn't asked for help, so I am aware that doing nothing might be the best, even the only, option. It just feels that as they get older, things might get - even more - tricky.

DB has a friend like this. His mum died and he inherited the house. Eventually there was actually no working toilet and he let the council renovate it (he is a very low functioning schizophrenic) but I don't know how well it was kept up.

It is extremely sad, what you see is the visual representation of that person's internal reality / life.

I have a friend who is a hoarder. Her house was pretty much ceiling high full of stuff. Her own bed had so much stuff on it, she slept on a little bit on the edge.
It was her own sister who just had enough and used tough love. Went through her stuff and got rid of it all.

Now, my friend tries to live by a strict rule of if she takes something home, she has to remove something. So, she buys a dress... she has to get rid of one.
It has been working for her for a while, plus she goes to a support group too.

My mum is a hoarder (trauma in childhood, lost her mum young, had a strict unemotional father, was raped etc) and nothing at all has helped. Her house is FULL from floor to ceiling. There’s still a nearly empty tub of shake n vac from the 80’s in the cupboard. She’s hoarded pets for years too.

Having looked up Hoarding Disorder on the NHS website,, I've talked to the relative - and also their partner - who visited X (the hoarder), and who is in some ways the person the hoarder is closest to. The response was mainly from partner.

My family member who visited tends to be rather avoidant/minimising. Partner said, to me 'Oh well X has been planning to have a kitchen designer in, in which case they'll obviously have a clear out.

But X has been talking about having a kitchen designer in for around 10 years, so am not v convinced by this.

The situation as I understand it is X was reluctant and evasive when they said they wanted to visit and made it very clear they couldn't stay overnight because their house was 'not set up for visitors' X had suggested meeting instead at a nearby venue.

My relative pushed it a bit because X's Mum had been going on. 'Why don't you visit X? X keeps telling me they keep inviting you and you never go round. You've really hurt X's feelings.'

Which was a bit odd. Because either X or X's Mum wasn't being entirely truthful.

Anyway it was agreed they'd have lunch at X's place. On arrival they were told they could not go upstairs and were only to use the downstairs loo. The description I was given that downstairs stuff was piled everywhere including on chairs, sofas, table tops, work surfaces. And rather weirdly, though a basic lunch was provided, X could only produce one plate to eat from. (I think after a search some paper plates were unearthed..)

My guess is that X may be struggling in a variety of ways. Working remotely and doesn't like job. Had a bad time during lockdown. A relationship - the only one I know of their having - came to an end a few years before that.

Last time I saw X they were looking a bit unkempt. Not really really dreadful but a bit scruffy and uncared for. Wearing the sort of clothes you'd put on to do some dirty job, but in fact he was out and about.

I think I am the only one in the family who would be upfront enough to talk to X and feel I ought to try and do this.

Would be good to have a gentle conversation with X to see if he's interested in changing, even if he feels it's not possible.

I thought it was part of OCD.