Convinced we are enabling our son but don’t know where to start

[Sleepless1234]

Hi
Our son is twenty and has been struggling with his mental health for some time. I referred him to CAMHS whilst he was still at college. They sent him details of support groups, therapy etc but he did not engage.

He has never been particularly helpful around the house. If he was asked to perform any chore such as empty the dishwasher his response would be to ask how much he would get for it. I don’t remember him ever volunteering to help. As he went through his teenage years he spent more and more time gaming online. His schoolwork started to slide. We spoke to the headteacher about our concerns but nothing ever came of this.

He moved onto sixth form college but failed to engage with this. I could see he was struggling hence the referral to CAMHS. He just didn’t seem to care about anything other than getting online to game. I did say to him that once he finished college he couldn’t just stay in the house gaming, he had to get a job/apprenticeship/further education. If he planned to just continue gaming he could leave home.

He got a job. Night shifts as the pay was higher. We were concerned about this as his lifestyle/sleeping/eating habits were erratic and night work was not likely to help but it was his decision. He started with five shifts a week, then cut down to four, then three. We didn’t see him. Even on days off he would barely come out of his room because he was tired from the previous night or preparing for the next night. Around the time he turned nineteen he started smoking cannabis. He claimed it was the odd occasion when he was out with friends. He didn’t like drinking, he preferred to have a smoke. We were neutral about that. Is the odd smoke any more harmful than a few drinks? I don’t know.

But it was more than the odd smoke. There were times when he was smoking £150 worth per week. He was spending all his spare money on weed.

He had a breakdown in October. He gave up work - he had lasted almost a year. We encouraged him to see the GP and after several weeks of having him do various online questionnaires he finally was offered a face to face appointment in January. He is now being treated for anxiety and depression, possibly has PTSD and is awaiting an Autism assessment. He has been treated with fluoxetine without much success and has recently started taking sertraline. He has also been having weekly counselling since January which is obviously bringing up things from much earlier in his childhood which he has never shared with us (and certainly never showed any signs of at the time).

He will get up to attend appointments (job centre, doctors etc). If he has no appointment he may come down for a bowl of cereal in the morning but it is often lunchtime or later. He goes back to his room where he stays in the dark. He eats with us in the evening, although he clearly finds this uncomfortable (and has said he finds eating with other people uncomfortable - this has only been the case since around puberty). We then hear him gaming in the evening and he tells us this goes on until 2am.

He has been spending almost all of his universal credit on weed. He says it is the only thing to calm what is going on in his head. He says it helps him relax and to be able to sleep. And I can’t deny that this may be the case but he has been smoking more than his income. And he is smoking so much that it may well be the cause of some of his symptoms.

I have suggested he tries setting his alarm and getting up at a regular time. When he stays in bed until 4pm it isn’t surprising that he can’t sleep the following night.

I have suggested going out every day, even for a thirty minute walk could help him. He says he is too tired.

I asked if anyone else has suggested similar things to him. He said he guessed so. When I asked what stopped him from doing things he said it was hard to get motivated.

But he will go out and buy his drugs. Because we won’t?

I will cook in the evening and he does come and eat that. He will have a bowl of sugary cereal for ‘breakfast’ and a cheese wrap for ‘lunch’ if he has anything. He doesn’t eat fruit. The only vegetables he eats are during the evening meal and even then I have to be careful what I include. He was picky as a child but not this picky. There is always food in the house so he doesn’t need to worry about this.

I have stopped asking for his laundry. He has not had any sheets on his bed for at least 4 weeks. He will go for days without showering. His room is chaotic - but it is his room so that is his business.

I know he is unwell and a lot of his behaviour is down to his illness. But he can do things - he can keep his cannabis supply topped up, he will shower before going to an appointment. It feels like he just doesn’t bother when at home.

We did point out that his UC was for him to pay for essentials. We suggested he pays the majority of it over to us when he receives it, we would ensure he received a weekly amount so he could meet any expenses such as bus fares. We will hold the money in an account for him until he is better. This made him angry, he said he had no choice. I said he could choose to keep the money but from then on he would have to buy all his food. He chose the first option. Whether he will next month

He referred himself to the local drug and alcohol support group, but only when I asked him to.

Sorry for the long post. It is more of an offloading than anything. But if anyone has any advice on how we can help him to begin living in the real world again I would appreciate it.

Thank you x

I'm not sure OP, although I went through a similar time once where i dropped out of university and was living at home for ages in a rut not inspired to do anything, not working, not taking great care of myself. I did get myself together eventually- I think a two month stay to a relatives helped to get me out of my routine and get a fresh perspective.

I think they really need to get out the house and be doing something productive. Like volunteering at an animal shelter. Something with some routine as its so easy to get sucked in to being a hermit.

I really feel for you as I have been in exactly the same position but weed was not involved.

The first thing that has to go is the weed. It’s not harmless, it causes psychosis in a lot of men . You have to insist his UC is paid over to you. That’s the first thing. Put your foot down and mean it . No more weed. Can you check if he has referred himself to an agency that can help with addiction? It’s quite possible he has lied to you about this. Had the counselling helped him in any way or is his behaviour getting more erratic and disordered?

I think you need to start introducing some boundaries. Firstly, he must put sheets on his bed . He needs to do his own washing. If he isn’t working, ask him to sign up to volunteer. Could he join a local gym if you paid the membership initially? He needs motivation to get out of bed and do something. Organise a rota for housework and give him chores.

Where is his dad in all this? You seem to be shouldering all the responsibility and worry alone. Does he have siblings? Also you need to look after yourself. Is there a local Carers organisation that could offer you support? Have you looked into counselling for yourself?

It’s a very hard road and there are no easy answers. I do think it’s very easy to just take on everything to support the person who is suffering but ultimately it doesn’t help them. He needs to see that he can’t just lie around and game all day leaving you to do his washing and cooking. Could he cook a couple of simple meals a week for example? That might give him some self esteem if you all enjoy what he’s cooked. He needs to find reasons to get out of bed.

The other thing would be to take his console away or ask for it when you go to bed. Being awake all night playing games won’t help him or you. Alternatively turn off the internet. It will cause ructions, but not taking a stand will lead to more destructive behaviour long term.

Start by sitting down and talking all this through with him . Tell him what you’re going to do without getting angry or blaming. It’s so so hard. I know.

My younger cousin is in his late 30s, and started off like this. he was exactly the same as you describe when he hit 20, and has been going downhill since. It has reached the point where we are only taking his parents word for it that he is still alive. No one else has seen him for over 5 years. He has a bedroom with an en suite, and the door NEVER opens. You occasionally hear a rustle from within, If family stand outside the bedroom door and shout HI! or BYE! the rustling stops and there is silence. his Mum says the reason he gives her for never ever coming out in daylight is that he is now morbidly obese, and his teeth are rotting, and he doesn't want anyone to see him, but if she makes him a dentist appointment, or anything, he refuses to go. He does still go out for benefit related meetings sometimes, but not always even that. He is on benefits, but gets sanctioned over and over again, and his parents then step in to pay for his food. When he does have benefits in his hand, he buys weed. When he doesn't, he tries to grow it. Other than that he plays computer games, and that is his whole life.

So in other words, force a change now. My cousin is like this because of weed. That cannot be allowed in your house. Nothing is going to change until that is gone for good.

@Theairiiscleaner He has signed most of his UC to us this month. We will see what he does next month.

He has referred himself to the local addiction support agency. They have replied but there is a waiting time to see them. I have seen their response. My concern is I asked him to make that referral it didn’t happen because he wanted to do it. At the time he had not smoked for a couple of weeks because he had no money then decided to open a childhood piggy bank. He would have handed over £30 in loose change to the dealer.

Difficult to say about the counselling. He has been going for over four months. We see no improvement in his behaviour but whether it helps with his thinking. I have asked him if it helps and he has said ‘I guess’ but he can’t/won’t really verbalise how it is helping.

His Dad is very much present but has so much on his plate at the minute. He works full time, I work part time so I am around more to observe our son’s behaviour (or not observe it as he is rarely seen). My FIL and MIL are also taking up huge amounts of DH time. We did have a GP appointment this week. It wasn’t particularly helpful in itself but the GP did say she felt the way to go would be a joint appointment with me, my DH, DS, the GP that has been treating him and his mental health practitioner. This is something we want to do but again will have to wait for. She also suggested family counselling.

He has two siblings, an older one who is away at uni just coming to the end of their degree and a younger about to sit A levels next week. They are both under the pressure of their exam situation and we don’t want to minimise the effect their brother’s behaviour has on them. Neither of them really talk to their brother any more. They tried for a long time to speak with him when he came down for meals but all they got were dirty looks and him telling them to shut up. They gave up trying and I can’t blame them. Youngest child has said he doesn’t want to bring friends round as he is embarrassed about the weed smell coming from their brother’s room. DS says he doesn’t like talking at mealtimes, finds it all ‘messy’ but the only time he comes down is at mealtimes. So he doesn’t really talk.

DS says he just wants a diagnosis. He is convinced he is autistic. My husband, through his employers private health insurance has arranged for my son to see a psychiatrist which would speed up the assessment process. But my son is an adult. He needs to fill out the relevant forms now and make the appointment but he has been sitting on this for weeks. We offer to help but he declines. He will run out of time though as the health insurance policy only covers children up to a certain age.

I have suggested he cooks once a week. He tried this for a couple of weeks but it fizzled out. Maybe we revisit this. I used to ask him what he wanted to make but struggled to get an answer from him. Perhaps I ask him to cook a meal he enjoys but I decide the meal.

He has a desktop computer so quite hard to take away. He has a laptop too and his phone. These are things he bought with money he earned and as an adult I don’t think we have the right to take them away. This is something we are struggling with - how do you sanction an adult? We did turn off the internet but he just used his mobile phone data and apparently used it to access the internet on his laptop.

We have tried to speak with him and as we are all too aware of his fragile mental state we try and keep things calm and quiet. But if the discussion starts to go in a direction he doesn’t like he will start getting upset and angry. Yesterday I asked him why he wasn’t up and showered at 5pm and why he hadn’t showered for a couple of days. He interpreted this as me being angry??? We realise that this discussion would benefit from the presence of a mediator/facilitator although if it is a question DS finds difficult he will just give a shoulder shrug. This behaviour is not new, even as a child he would tell us what he didn’t want but when asked what he did want he never knew.

@60andsomething This is what worries me. My husband points out that his recovery will take time but right now I can’t see any end to this because other than going to therapy I see him making no effort to help himself.

We are due to go away in the summer. An Airbnb. There is room for him to come with us. Last year he came with us but rarely came out with us, just stayed in the house. We recently learnt he stayed in and vaped cannabis - it was a non smoking property. So I have concerns about taking him with us this year but have bigger concerns about what he might do in our house if left alone for two weeks.

I believe he is also concerned about his appearance and hides under baggy clothes but he is very underweight.

I do feel that we are just keeping him ticking along and thus preventing his survival instincts from kicking in. But we can’t just kick him out onto the streets

@Barleysugar86 We have suggested volunteering. His previous employers were not particularly caring which didn’t help his mental state but we have spoken about how as a volunteer you can choose how many hours you work, that the agency you are volunteering for are likely to be thankful and that the feeling of having helped is a real boost to self esteem. He claims to be too tired and cannot (and never has) seen the point of doing any work if there is no financial reward.

This is such a common script now. Gaming addiction plus laziness plus entitlement being dressed up as mental health issues. He’s lazy, he’s rude and until he has a concrete reason to get his arse out of bed in the morning he won’t. The time has come to make a man of him before he throws his life away - tell him he has 3 months to leave, set a date and stick to it. Time for some proper parenting tbh no matter how ‘mean’ it feels

research hikikomori and treatment options, tackle this as vigorously as you would a serious physical illness.
Good luck OP, I am sorry this is happening to your family.

Sorry OP but I agree with this. I think you’re making excuses for him, and I agree (with you) that you’re enabling him.

@FaeryRing Whilst there are times when I think the same about the laziness and entitlement, I have also seen him sobbing and shaking uncontrollably and have seen him struggle to eat and even leave the table to throw up. Very easily triggered.

Does your son see a problem with how he lives? If he sees no problem, it will be hard to get things to improve

Also , a lot of young people do seem to stay awake during the night and sleep during the day . It's a normal habit to get into if someone doesn't have to be up during a daytime routine.

Weed and gaming are both behaviours that appeal to some people , and they are both somewhat addictive and take over lives.

It's a hard situation, and I appreciate he is an adult . What about some non - negotiable rules first that apply to everyone, like cleanliness.

@User1979289 I have seen this before. Will look further into this. Thank you

Yeah, this sounds like it'll really work

Proper parenting, just common sense, innit?

Drug issues are just a matter of administering a bollocking.

This is so sad, and frightening what cannabis can do. I hope things improve for your relative. It doesn’t sound like he is living at all.

@Mairzydotes Agree with the non negotiable rules. But he ignores them. And we make allowances rightly or wrongly because he is unwell.

We have always told him not to smoke in the house though. Then the other weekend he did just that. He can’t explain why. He says it will never happen again. It should never have happened in the first place. We can’t just throw him out without exploring other options such as the joint appointment to help everyone have their say in a managed environment.

I have said if it happens again though I would report it to the police. I wouldn’t want to but I don’t know what I can do to get through to him. This also made him angry but he had no suggestions about what else we could do

@Sleepless1234

I think if you can afford it you might want to try paying privately for what can't be accessed via the NHS now. He'll wait so long for any support.

It's not a matter of 'enabling' him, tough love doesn't work really if it is just a 'sod off you're on your own' approach.

Structured support, clear boundaries and engagement from both him and you has a chance of working.

The drugs need to stop first, everything else is futile unless that happens.

I work in mental health and see this sort of situation a lot. And when I say a lot I mean A LOT. What I will say is that the impact of gaming on neurodiverse brains, particularly brains which are still developing is not to be underestimated.
In general if school or college was not a place where he found things easy and if he struggled to fit in or find his tribe, then gaming would have been a welcome relief. Plus the endorphins, plus the feeling of completing something, plus the community aspect, plus the instant gratification.
What he needs to do is find something which gives him similar feelings to that. Would he get into the gym? Or boxing? Or travelling? Rock climbing? I know at the moment you're rolling your eyes as the boy doesn't leave his room but what you're looking for a carrot. Something to show him the other side.
What I can tell you is that he is not happy with the things as they are. However forcing him to get a job will not help him. If you look at this from a PTSD point of view (with school being the source of trauma) then work will bring back a lot of similar feelings. What he needs is to set a timeline and so put 'leaving the house once a week apart from to buy weed as step one'. Ask him to identify what he feels is realistic.
Sorry if I missed this but Is he under a mental health team? They will have specialist practitioners who can go for a walk with him and do some goal setting work. And yes he will need to engage. He will need to attend appointments.
This could be the part where you need to be tough. You are understanding of his MH but you will not let him sink, for his own good, he must attend his MH appointments. If not then you'll have to consider making him contribute to the household. Don't Labour this point too much but make sure he is aware that it is his responsibility to look after his own health, mental and physical.
Remember not to look too far ahead.
Hikikomori is a good shout, lots of very good advice from a Japanese psychiatrist who has been treating patients with similar presentations for a long long time.

Hi OP

If he has had a job and had to leave it because of a breakdown it sounds like he is genuinely mentally ill.

It's not uncommon for people with mental illness like depression and anxiety to use cannabis as it can help them feel better.

If he has been diagnosed with anxiety and depression it can be a long road back.

You are right that exercise, good sleep and routine will help him. People with anxiety and depression often do find it difficult to keep this sort of self-care up (in fact it's one of the markers for diagnosis). If you are hassling him about it it's also possible it is feeding into his anxiety and actually making things worse.

If he is on medication then it may take a while before they find the one that works for him. It can be a trial and error process and not every medication works for everyone.

Getting him better will be a long road and measured in years or months not days or weeks.

The sink or swim approach only works if the person has a chance to swim. If they're most likely to sink then everyone is in a much worse place.

OP I have an autistic daughter. A lot of what you are describing fits the profile of an autistic person who is really struggling to cope.

I would make a GP appointment for yourself to go and discuss your son. Ask the GP what options there are for an adult ASD diagnosis.

Unfortunately, there is a massive waiting list for diagnosis in most areas and NHS support is unfit for purpose. Somewhere like the National Autistic Society could be helpful. Even if your son won't engage there is good support and advice from them for parents/carers etc.

He's addicted to weed and gaming as a way of managing his poor mental health - showing a lack of engagement, resilience and heightened negativity. The weed numbs his feelings and in the gaming world he can be dynamic, sociable and "win" - unlike the real world. Your DS matches my 50yo xBIL to a tee. BIL somehow found a series of partners who have enabled him over the years (each one trying and failing to "rescue" him from himself) but he has no intention or motivation to change and refuses to engage with mental health or addiction help. Sadly one of his sons seems to be heading the same way.

We've tried supporting him, tough love etc and his adult DC are supporting him now his latest DP has kicked him out. I feel for you OP I really do, as unless your DS engages with help and wants his mental health to improve I can't see how he'll find and use the tools to help him make the necessary changes. It's finding the motivation within himself to make him ask for support, want to make the necessary lifestyle changes, and move forward with his life.

I always think xBIL never fully "fledged" and left the nest (he seems stuck as a 50yo Kevin the teenager) and I'm scared one of his sons will be the same.

Weed saps your motivation if you are smoking that amount. It also inhibits the effectiveness of therapy if you are on it

What benefit will it bring to him or you to report to the police? They will not do anything to help either you or him.

You need to set out boundaries yourself, not try to get others to do it for you. If he takes drugs in the house he can't live there is an acceptable basic boundary.

Of course he will sob and shake he wants you to feel sorry for him. It’s an abusers tactic. There’s a reason why you have comparatively few girls gaming their lives away while expecting to be waited on hand and foot.

He hasn’t reached this state overnight it’s because he’s been gradually enabled over the years to the point any kind of effort or normal life seems like too much bother.

It seems radical but you’ll be amazed at what people can do when they have no other option. Because as long as he has cushier options he’ll take the piss.

He knows you won’t. People treat you how you let them - sons are no different, in fact men in general seem absolutely fine with women just being their support humans and actually feel they should be.

@qwertyqwertyqwertyqwerty He has the opportunity to see a psychiatrist privately through DH employer’s health scheme. He has to fill in a form and make the appointment. Frustratingly this will take him a long time. He says he wants a formal diagnosis but then is causing the delays himself. We offer to help with the process but he declines. And as an adult we can’t do it for him.