Hi
Our son is twenty and has been struggling with his mental health for some time. I referred him to CAMHS whilst he was still at college. They sent him details of support groups, therapy etc but he did not engage.
He has never been particularly helpful around the house. If he was asked to perform any chore such as empty the dishwasher his response would be to ask how much he would get for it. I don’t remember him ever volunteering to help. As he went through his teenage years he spent more and more time gaming online. His schoolwork started to slide. We spoke to the headteacher about our concerns but nothing ever came of this.
He moved onto sixth form college but failed to engage with this. I could see he was struggling hence the referral to CAMHS. He just didn’t seem to care about anything other than getting online to game. I did say to him that once he finished college he couldn’t just stay in the house gaming, he had to get a job/apprenticeship/further education. If he planned to just continue gaming he could leave home.
He got a job. Night shifts as the pay was higher. We were concerned about this as his lifestyle/sleeping/eating habits were erratic and night work was not likely to help but it was his decision. He started with five shifts a week, then cut down to four, then three. We didn’t see him. Even on days off he would barely come out of his room because he was tired from the previous night or preparing for the next night. Around the time he turned nineteen he started smoking cannabis. He claimed it was the odd occasion when he was out with friends. He didn’t like drinking, he preferred to have a smoke. We were neutral about that. Is the odd smoke any more harmful than a few drinks? I don’t know.
But it was more than the odd smoke. There were times when he was smoking £150 worth per week. He was spending all his spare money on weed.
He had a breakdown in October. He gave up work - he had lasted almost a year. We encouraged him to see the GP and after several weeks of having him do various online questionnaires he finally was offered a face to face appointment in January. He is now being treated for anxiety and depression, possibly has PTSD and is awaiting an Autism assessment. He has been treated with fluoxetine without much success and has recently started taking sertraline. He has also been having weekly counselling since January which is obviously bringing up things from much earlier in his childhood which he has never shared with us (and certainly never showed any signs of at the time).
He will get up to attend appointments (job centre, doctors etc). If he has no appointment he may come down for a bowl of cereal in the morning but it is often lunchtime or later. He goes back to his room where he stays in the dark. He eats with us in the evening, although he clearly finds this uncomfortable (and has said he finds eating with other people uncomfortable - this has only been the case since around puberty). We then hear him gaming in the evening and he tells us this goes on until 2am.
He has been spending almost all of his universal credit on weed. He says it is the only thing to calm what is going on in his head. He says it helps him relax and to be able to sleep. And I can’t deny that this may be the case but he has been smoking more than his income. And he is smoking so much that it may well be the cause of some of his symptoms.
I have suggested he tries setting his alarm and getting up at a regular time. When he stays in bed until 4pm it isn’t surprising that he can’t sleep the following night.
I have suggested going out every day, even for a thirty minute walk could help him. He says he is too tired.
I asked if anyone else has suggested similar things to him. He said he guessed so. When I asked what stopped him from doing things he said it was hard to get motivated.
But he will go out and buy his drugs. Because we won’t?
I will cook in the evening and he does come and eat that. He will have a bowl of sugary cereal for ‘breakfast’ and a cheese wrap for ‘lunch’ if he has anything. He doesn’t eat fruit. The only vegetables he eats are during the evening meal and even then I have to be careful what I include. He was picky as a child but not this picky. There is always food in the house so he doesn’t need to worry about this.
I have stopped asking for his laundry. He has not had any sheets on his bed for at least 4 weeks. He will go for days without showering. His room is chaotic - but it is his room so that is his business.
I know he is unwell and a lot of his behaviour is down to his illness. But he can do things - he can keep his cannabis supply topped up, he will shower before going to an appointment. It feels like he just doesn’t bother when at home.
We did point out that his UC was for him to pay for essentials. We suggested he pays the majority of it over to us when he receives it, we would ensure he received a weekly amount so he could meet any expenses such as bus fares. We will hold the money in an account for him until he is better. This made him angry, he said he had no choice. I said he could choose to keep the money but from then on he would have to buy all his food. He chose the first option. Whether he will next month
He referred himself to the local drug and alcohol support group, but only when I asked him to.
Sorry for the long post. It is more of an offloading than anything. But if anyone has any advice on how we can help him to begin living in the real world again I would appreciate it.
Thank you x