TW depression, self harm.

[Amberpup9]

Name changed for this, but long time user.

I'm 38 and have struggled with depression most of my adult life. I'm on medication. When it's bad my go-to coping mechanism is self harm. I want to and need to stop this, but the desire is so strong. I can't even explain it and I don't really understand why I do this. I promise myself I won't do it again but I always do. Recently the degree of harm and the damage I cause has escalated.

Can anyone relate to what I'm trying to explain? I'm getting to the stage where I think I'm not hurting anyone else, so why bother trying to fight this.

How can I even start trying to fix this when I've been doing it for about 20 years? It feels like an impossible task.

I totally get where you’re coming from. I’ve done the same all my life, I’m 54, with 4 grown up kids.Ive also tried to stop many times, but the best I can manage is just minimising. I don’t know how I’ve never been caught/ found out.
I guess the only real way to stop is to get proper professional help. I can’t, as I would get found out!
Maybe that’s an option for you. I hope you do manage to stop as I know how absorbing it can be. Good luck

I’ve n/c too, also long time user!

I hear you. I’m in a not dissimilar boat, having ended up in A&E last weekend with a self-harm injury for the first time in my life.

I’ve recently started seeing a new psychiatrist who seems excellent. I wish I’d met her years ago. She’s been talking a lot about finding self-compassion, changing self-talk and finding better ways to manage strong emotion. Does any of that resonate?

PS I really scared myself at the weekend by not being able to control the bleeding. There’s no way I meant to cut that deep. If that’s any incentive to get help. It’s possible to get carried away and do more damage than you intended. I am very, very motivated to change things now.

I'm sorry that you can both relate to my post. I wouldn't wish this upon anyone.

I feel I'm addicted to this behaviour. I've never discussed this with anyone at all. I have children and a long term partner. I go to great lengths to hide this from them.

I've also taken it too far recently, but it only stops me until I start to heal again.

I'm sending you both very un-mumsnetty hugs.

I too have never spoken to anyone about this. I agree it is an addiction. It can take many forms, at the moment I’m drinking too much…… but we’re going on holiday so I need to lose weight. I just know I will do a combination of starving and eating foods which will make me ill. It’s ridiculous, I need to stop, I can’t. Thanks for the hug. I wish you all the best, please get help

I drink too much too. Are your injuries worse when you've been drinking? Mine are.

I really hope you can have a nice holiday.

I think I'm going to get found out soon. I have a medical procedure scheduled and there's no way they won't see the injuries.

I didn't expect replies. Thank you. I'm torn between being pleased this doesn't just affect me but sadness too, for you.

Yes they are, but I’ve been lucky so far, maybe unlucky, depending on how you see it. Like you I definitely need help, but it’s been going on for soooo long that I’m obviously controlling it to some extent. But I’m really tired of living like this.
Im sad I’m not alone, but it’s nice to talk.
Get help, don’t get to 54 like me

@Struggling33
Sorry it’s taken an event for you to realise you need help. But at least you have. Get help, this is no way to live. Sending strength

Have you had any therapy alongside your medication?

I've just started seeing a therapist 2 weeks ago, very early days. I'm really hoping it'll help.

I started SH in the last year, and more so since Christmas. So far I am managing to hide it but I am at risk of it being noticed with our first family holiday break abroad this summer. If I am honest, I am also doing it in a less subtle way due to a food intolerance but I am putting myself at risk of poor health long term.

I want to stop but now just can't and I think I am in too deep so I think I can relate. Thinking of seeing a counsellor privately but taking that step is really hard.

@ByZippyDog the first step is definitely the hardest. If you can see someone privately, please do. None of us deserve this. I promised myself not to SH after taking it too far. I managed 1 day. Useless.

You aren’t useless, you’re struggling. But you’re getting help which is fantastic. I wish you well.

Hope you're all doing well.

My counsellor has asked me to try to de-escalate the SH by only doing it once per day and being less aggressive with it. So far I've failed on day 2.

I'll try again tomorrow. Today's been a challenging day. I can't even explain why. I'm full of self-hatred. I'm not meant for this crazy life. I'm not built to handle the stress of every day life in these hectic times. I need a slower pace and less 'on' time.

Hope you’re ok this morning.
Is there any way you can take some time for yourself today, even if it’s just an hour?

@Littlemissbubbled today's going to be a tough one. I do have some free time though.

I'm just so angry with myself. I SH severely last night, worse than I've ever done before. Now I'm in pain and beating myself up about it. Why do we do this? I've taken some really positive steps in the past few days too.

I guess it can be one step forwards two back, be kind to yourself.

Sorry to hear that you were in a bad place last night. I think you are feeling the guilt and hatred that comes in after doing it but your mind is in two places as you mentioned that you took some positive steps this week. Can you write down or take a note of what triggered the SH last night? When are you seeing your counsellor next?

As LittleBubble suggested, try to take some time for yourself today otherwise is there something that you can focus on such as decluttering, baking or any exercise? I appreciate though that when your mind is in a bad place that it is hard to switch off or motivate.

You have made a step in the right direction by seeing a counsellor - and that is progess.

Thank you both. I'm off work today. I've had a lazy day. I can't do much else, walking hurts so much.

Next session is Thursday. I think last night was a reaction to some difficult things I divulged in our last session. It's done now at least. Hopefully this can be my lowest point.

How are you doing @Amberpup9?

Hi @ByZippyDog

I'm alright, thanks. Much the same if I'm honest. How about you? I hope you're keeping yourself safe and have looked into counselling, as you mentioned up thread.

My partner discovered my SH a few days ago. He's gutted, but wants to help me as much as possible.

I'm still trying to stop, but it's a tough cycle to break.

Thanks for asking how I am. It's quite lonely being a self harmer, isn't it? I

Hi, I am okay thank you. I have not had the urge for a couple of weeks but last day or it is crossing my mind again but am trying to switch off. Mornings are worse particularly on waking up.

I haven't looked into counselling yet. Some days I tell myself that I will contact a counsellor tomorrow and then I don't do it. Some recent blood tests for a health condition showed that I have some vitamin deficiencies so am on supplements now. Hoping that these will help.

How have you been doing the last few days? Hope you're okay as much as you can be x

How does you feel now your husband knows? Sounds like he is supportive as he wants to help you as much as he can.

X

He's relieved. He knew something was seriously wrong, just didn't anticipate this. He wanted to know what I use, but I couldn't tell him. I don't want him to take my options away.

You said you feel the urge in the morning. It's always the evening for me. I've managed about 3 days without "it" this week. That's the best in a while. I feel some hope that I may be able to change things.

I hope your supplements help. If you're working, do you have some kind of employee support service that may be able to support you? X

Hi, how have you been? Hope you're okay.

Yes, I have an EAP at work however they limit any counselling to maximum 6 sessions and they vet/assess first so suspect they would bat it back.

Is your therapy NHS, self funded or through work?

Although the doom feeling is strong on waking up (and seems to be getting better with prescribed supplements), urge can come at any time and seems to be reactive to situations. Need to get a better control on my emotions.

Hope you don't mind my posting/responding on your thread x